By Kayla E. Green
There’s an old adage that dogs are a man’s best friend. Leave it to humans to gloss over the fact that we cats are the literal guardians keeping their species alive.
“Dinah?” my girl Alice called to me as she lounged in the garden grass. As far as humans went, she wasn’t the worst. She was a proper lady, though her curiosity got her into more trouble than my cousin Chessie, who made numerous enemies fiddling on tin roofs. I ambled up beside Alice and allowed her to scoop me into her arms. “I love when you purr. How about we read?”
I was slightly annoyed she’d stopped petting me to pick up an old book. Yet, I would forgive the slight if she were to read about the ancient Egyptians. Now, those humans knew how to properly treat their guardians.
“Once upon a time there was a princess who couldn’t sleep.”
Yawn. I would nap while she read the fairytale dribble. My eyes blinked as I gave into the summer warmth.
A blur of white made my hackles raise. I hissed.
“Dinah, that’s not very nice! It’s just a rabbit.” He didn’t smell like a normal rabbit of this dimension. “Curious. The rabbit is holding… a pocket watch?” Alice moved me from her lap—the audacity—and stood. I couldn’t let Alice get any closer. I lunged at the stranger.
“Bad cat! Stop that right now.” Alice yelled behind me, joining the chase. It was cute how she believed she was in charge.
“Oh, d-dear! Don’t eat the messenger,” the rabbit stuttered as he raced toward a group of trees in the far corner of the garden.
“Did that rabbit just talk?” Alice asked.
My prey paused at the base of a tree. It pounded its foot while it looked at the golden pocket watch. Such an absurd sight. I poised for the kill, crouching low to the ground. The rabbit spooked and jumped into a large hole behind him. Perrrfect.
With the rabbit gone, I sat back and cleaned my favorite front paw with my tongue.
“Curiouser and curiouser.”
My girl stepped up to peer in the gaping hole—clearly a portal in the ground that stranger danger had just jumped into. I meowed a warning. My too-curious-for-her-own-good human, who still hadn’t caught on to Cat-onese, shooed me away. Debasing myself, I bit the hem of her skirt and tried to pull her attention back from the obvious danger. “Dinah, I’m just trying to get a better—”
Alice fell in.
Three blind mice and the farmer’s wife! I cursed. Then, I jumped in behind my girl.
***
“Oompfh!” Alice hit hard ground on her backside while I gracefully landed feet-first on her stomach. “What a strange rabbit hole.”
“To call a portal to a strange world strange is a bit on the nose,” I grumbled.
“Dinah, did you just speak proper English?” Alice’s blue eyes stared wide into my own as she loomed over me, pushing her face too close and making my whiskers itch.
“Alice, my girl, I always speak properly, but did you stop to think that you simply can understand my language in this dimension?”
“Oh, if we can truly understand each other, we should never leave!” Alice squeezed me to her chest. “Think how lovely it will be for me to hear you talk back to me, Dinah.”
My gaze flitted across the room. “Look, there’s a staircase here that goes up. Let’s go the way in which we came to get back.”
“But there’s the white rabbit!”
I followed Alice’s pointed finger as the bunny walked into a room with metal clanging and a shrill voice yelling like a short order cook. He muttered something about not being paid enough—join the club.
“Maybe it’s a kitchen. And”—my girl took a loud sniff— “it does smell like sugar and cream.”
“It could be a trap!”
Alice bounded forward, ignoring my protests, and pushed through the door the rabbit had entered moments before.
Still in my girl’s hands, I looked around. Green and red sauces were splattered across the walls. One side of the room was indeed a kitchen, where a woman stirred a large wooden spoon in a big pot. On the opposite side, a bassinet stood.
“The poor baby is crying,” said Alice. But the sound from whatever was in the little crib wasn’t human. It sounded more like a kitten’s mew. We walked to the side of the bassinet.
“It’s not a baby… It’s a full-grown cat,” I said.
A familiar flat-nosed mackerel tabby in a white bonnet seemed to smile at me. “Dinah, thank goodness you got my bunny-gram!”
“Chessie? What’s going on?”
“I’ve been trapped here for weeks. That crazy cook in the kitchen seasons babies with pepper and serves them to someone named Duchess! She thinks I’m a baby, and this bloody bonnet is weighted, keeping me stuck. If that rabbit hadn’t hopped by…” She pulled a claw across her striped neck.
“Alice, be a dear and use your opposable thumbs to remove Chessie’s bonnet,” I purred, knowing she most likely wouldn’t think of it herself. Alice promptly set me down and freed my cousin.
“Now what?” Alice asked.
“What fell down, must go up,” said Chessie.
Alice scrunched her nose.
“The stairs, Alice.” I bounded toward the door we’d used moments before to enter this odd space. “Let’s go!”
“More pepper!” the cook screeched and metal clanged.
“Faster before we all become dinner for Duchess!” Chessie ran like all nine of her lives depended on it.
Several minutes later, we all collapsed in the garden. Alice closed her eyes and, when her breathing evened out, she murmured, “What a strange afternoon.” Then dozed off.
“How did you get into that dreadful dimension anyway?” I asked.
“I was after my person,” Chessie explained, stretching her legs. “He’s now got himself trapped in the Land of Nevers.”
My whiskers twitched. Sounded about right for our humans.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
I wondered if someone would take the cat view and here we are! You have captured the cat voice and attitude purrfectly. Loved your homage to Peter Pan as well. Now I think I’ll let my cats read it.
(“how magnanimous of you, human”)
An excellent depiction of Dinah!
I love when cats talk in stories! Such an imaginative take on the Alice story. Very fun, I highly enjoyed it!
Dinah and Chessie running away without rescuing a single baby just goes to show what pussies they are.
Very funny take on the Alice story – love Dinah’s POV – and how totally “cat” she is. Love this Alice, too. A nice addtion to Wacky Wednesday.
Kayla, I have two cats and my favorite line from your fun story was: “It was cute how she believed she was in charge.” Fitting.
I loved this story, Kayla. Also, as someone who is owned by a cat, I find it fitting that Dinah owns Alice. It reminds me of the original book, “101 Dalmatians.” its told in the perspective of the dogs owning the Dearly’s. I also loved the nod to Neverland!
You certainly know how cats think.