By John Leatherman
Matt Caterpillar raised his guitar, looked out across the crowd at the Garbage Bowl, and heard crickets. And ants. And roaches, beetles, and myriad other insects—all cheering for him and his band.
As he strummed the opening chords of their new ear-worm hit, “Gimme Some Leaves,” he marveled at their metamorphosis. He’d started the Scaterpillars with his buddy Nat and Nat’s sister Kat as a small-time garbage band, but they’d quickly become huge—bigger than the Beetles—largely due to their one-leaf admission price.
After the song, as the applause subsided, along came an itsy-bitsy spider, who descended above the stage on a gossamer strand of webbing. Turning away from the mic, Matt glanced at Nat and Kat. Was this part of the act? They just stared back, confused.
“The Scaterpillars are flower killers!” Itsy-Bitsy shouted to the crowd. “Give leaves a chance!”
The crowd responded with boos, hisses, and gnat calls.
“Stem hugger!”
“Fly eater!”
“Go back to your web site!”
“Two legs too many!”
The audience threw seeds, pebbles, and sand. Down came the grains and chased the spider out.
Kat played the opening chords of “All You Need is Leaves,” and the crowd fell silent as a louse. Nat took up the rhythm, and the concert proceeded.
Launching into his solo riff, Matt shooed the spider from his mind.
What a fana-tick. Why would anybuggy worry about plants? Life was leaves, and he’d found no greater joy—except more leaves.
Yet that last insult still stung. The insects rejected the spider for having eight legs instead of six. Matt couldn’t resist counting his own appendages.
Fourteen legs? What the bug am I?
Minutes before their next show at the Dumpster Dome, Nat dropped his drumsticks. “I’m feeling sick.”
Matt gasped. “Now? We’ve got a packed trashpile out there!”
Kat patted Nat’s back. “Maybe you ate too little. Somebuggy get him some leaves!”
Nat shook his head. “No, no more leaves for me. Maybe I need to get off the ground.” He hobbled out behind the trashcan.
Matt scowled. What kind of caterpillar would refuse leaves? He hurried after his buddy.
Nat hung by his antennae from a low branch of a bush.
Matt jerked in shock. “Nat, what are you doing?”
Nat belched gray gunk. It dripped across him, and his voice slurred. “Have you ever notished how shoft our shpit is? I could jush take a nap in thish shtuff . . .”
The gunk hardened, and Nat stopped moving.
Matt gasped at the ugly gray bag that had been his friend. It hit him like a can of Raid.
Nat’s breakdown swatted the insect world. Rolling Pebble theorized that he couldn’t handle the pressures of fame in their article “Are the Scaterpillars Gutter Fillers?”
Matt and Kat kept performing, but everybuggy said they stunk—even the stinkbugs. Soon Kat broke down and hid in a spitbag just like Nat.
Matt couldn’t carry on as a solo act. He, too, found his own branch and gurgled up his own gray goo. And that stuff was cozy.
Maybe Matt would feel better after a nice, long, sleep…
Sunlight trickled in. The wrapping had broken, exposing Matt’s face. He was still alive—but somehow, he felt different.
“Matt! You’re awake!” Nat’s voice came from a shiny purple butterfly.
Matt gazed up in wonder. “Well, I’ll be an ant’s uncle. What happened to you?”
“Same thing that’s happening to you!”
Matt twisted. A pair of soggy blue wings protruded from his back. “What the swat? You mean I can fly now?”
“Sure, once your wings dry out.”
Matt gasped. “Wow, think of all the leaves we can reach!”
Nat frowned. “Oh, we can’t eat leaves any more. We drink nectar with this.” He unfurled a spiral tube on his nose.
Matt cringed. “Gah! Do I have one of those?”
A familiar female voice interrupted. “Yes, and it looks kind of cute on you.”
Matt turned. A pink butterfly perched on a blade of grass. “Kat?”
“I prefer Katrina now.” Tossing her antennae, she took flight and hovered.
Matt’s eyes bugged out. He’d never noticed how gorgeous Kat was.
Nat nudged him. “I’ll let you two get reacquainted.” He flew away.
Matt winced at all these changes. Wings? No leaves? He fumbled for words. “So, Kat—Katrina—nectar? That’s what we eat now?”
She nodded. “It’s so delicious I’ve forgotten about leaves.”
“If you say so, I’ll have some.” Matt still wasn’t sure about this, but Katrina’s laugh enchanted him. He had people in his stomach.
“Great! Try the hollyhocks.” Smiling and winking, she fluttered off.
Matt let the gray bag slide away. His soggy wings unfurled, growing drier and stronger in the fragrant spring air.
Once free, Matt drifted down and set his feet on the soil—but some were missing. After a quick count, he soared in delight. “Six legs! I’m a real insect after all!”
Katrina wasn’t lying—nectar was the dung. Sure, Matt couldn’t reach it without getting encrusted in pollen, but it rubbed off on the next flower to help it grow. Kind of made up for all those leaves he ate.
And the best thing about nectar: one sip filled his tiny stomach. Soon he asked Katrina, “What should we do with all this free time?”
Her eyes sparkled. “About time you asked. Let’s get the band back together!”
This announcement had all the insects abuzz. Everybuggy and their ant swarmed to their reunion tour, with ticket lines stretching for centimeters.
Of course, Matt, Nat, and Kat did their classics, even “Don’t Stop Leaf-Eating,” but they also shared new wisdom in their comeback hit, “I’ve Looked at Leaves From Both Sides Now.” Soon, the Scaterpillars had soared back to the top.
And that spider? She never bothered them again. Not after Miss Muffett stepped on her.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
I LOVED this! Laughed so hard at all the references to songs and nursery rhymes and who knows what else. What a hoot! Thanks for sending my Wednesday off to a great start!
So glad you liked it! I originally wrote it as a children’s story but tried to age it up a little.
very clever! fun read.
Thank you!
Sensational! So good it gave me people in my stomach! (Just one of my favorite lines.)
Ha-ha! Thank you!
Hi John,
Loved the spider character (insect). An environmentalist for sure. You were able to weave in a great song, “I’ve looked at leaves from both side now.” Clever as always
Thanks! Glad you liked it!
What a hoot!
*(I love “Don’t Stop Leaf-Eatin’ “!)*
“He had people in his stomach” has to be my favorite line, but I adore this entire piece! It’s so clever and funny.