By John Leatherman
The glass roof of the museum’s atrium shatters, and I duck behind a pillar. Twenty-three rotund robots rappel through the jagged opening on extensible steel arms. Riding atop the center bot is a short, pudgy man in a purple-and-green-striped lab coat. Frizzy orange curls encircle his bald scalp like clouds around a shiny mountaintop.
“Good evening to the gentry-hee-hee of Adver City-hee-hee! Do not let my Chuckle-Bots interrupt your charity-hee-hee event. You can now show-ho-ho your generosity to me-hee-hee!”
Hurtful Jester! I should have known he’d crash the museum’s annual Kayla Taylor Gala for Echolalia Failure. I tear the tux off my lanky frame—revealing my purple bodysuit and orange cape—and emerge as Super Gus.
Hurtful taps his remote control. The robots retract their rappelling arms and roam around the rotunda, rhythmically repeating their ruler’s writ. “Steal… Steal… Steal…”
Huddling under tables and chairs, some terrified donors toss out wallets and jewelry for the bots to collect. Others quiver over their checkbooks and ask, “Hurtful with one L or two?”
Striding past the melee, I approach Hurtful. “I’ve never metal lad who would zinc so low as to tell robots to steel. How iron-ic. I’ll have to call the coppers unless uranium in.”
Hurtful chuckles. “So-ho-ho! Who dares oppose me-hee-hee?”
Before I can answer, a red-and-blue blur streaks through the shattered ceiling and thuds to the floor betwixt me and Hurtful. “It is I, Super Guy!” The brown-pompadoured, musclebound, red-suited hero tosses his blue cape with a flourish, flapping it in my face. “Ignore this poseur.” Super Guy seizes Hurtful’s neck with one hand and lifts the villain two feet off the floor. Flicking his wrist, Super Guy shakes the controller from Hurtful’s hand. “This Hurtful heist calls for a real superhero. Not some wannabe who copied my name and suit.”
I clear my throat. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, my esteemed colleague Super Guy. I’m Super Gus. There’s no uy in us!” Comparing our hues, I smirk. “And if you think our suits are the same… Well, it takes a big man to admit that he’s colorblind.”
Hurtful still dangling from his grip, Super Guy scowls at me. “Fair enough. Correction: you copied me and FedEx.”
I shrug. “Hey, there’s only so many colors out there. I could just as easily say you copied a certain flag.”
“Don’t you dare talk about me and my flag. These colors don’t run, they fly!” Face matching the hue of his suit, Super Guy whips toward me, arms raised as if to seize me.
Unfortunately, this pompous posturing releases Jester, who drops to the linoleum and scrambles for his controller. “All available Chuckle-Bots, kill these hee-hee-heroes!”
The closest Chuckle-Bot freezes, flashes red, and then turns toward us. “Alpha Unit acknowledges new orders.”
Alpha’s brothers Beta, Upsilon, Epsilon, and Omicron respond likewise—except for the “Alpha” part.
All five turn toward us, droning in unison. “Kill… Kill… Kill…”
Apparently, these bots can only break one commandment at a time.
Super Guy shoves me down. “Look what you made me do, Super Butt! If you want to be that way, let’s have a contest.” He seizes Alpha by the arm and flings it at Beta. “Whoever kills the most of these Sucky-Bytes wins—and gets to name the loser!”
Simultaneously slamming his respective fists into Upsilon and Epsilon, he snickers. “Let’s see, how about… the Obnoxious Orange? No—no, the Purple Pervert!”
I struggle to my feet. “Just to be clear, I didn’t actually agree to thaaaaaa…”
Omicron immerses me in the chartreuse glow of its death ray. Though my cockroachium composition renders me indestructible, that ray still hurts like a bitch—of the German shepherd variety, biting me all over. Pain coursing along my nerves, I collapse to my knees.
Meanwhile, one of the fallen Chuckle-Bots jerks back to life. “Alpha Unit has completed self-repair protocol… Resuming in-progress command.” Almost in sync, Beta does the same. Advancing toward Super Guy, they re-extend their arms. “Kill… Kill… Kill…”
Super Guy snarls at them. “Oh, a couple of wise bots, huh?” He bashes Beta and assaults Alpha as Upsilon and Epsilon run their respective self-repair protocols.
Meanwhile, Omicron continues to infuse its death ray, raising the intensity as I fail to die. Abruptly, the ray sparks and fizzles out. Omicron runs a diagnostic on me.
“Subject still alive. Omicron Unit concludes Omicron Unit defective. Following loss-mitigation protocol. Omicron Unit will self-destruct in three… two… one…” It explodes into a conflagration of scorched wires, capacitors, and circuit boards.
Upsilon Unit, emerging from its latest self-repair protocol, resumes its advance toward Super Guy. “Kill… Kill…” Suddenly it freezes and flashes yellow. “Upsilon Unit detects defective Omicron Unit. Upsilon Unit has identical programming to Omicron Unit. Upsilon Unit concludes Upsilon Unit defective. Following loss-mitigation protocol.” Upsilon Unit also self-destructs, showering Super Guy with smoking debris.
Also newly restored, Epsilon blinks yellow. “Epsilon Unit detects defective Upsilon Unit. Epsilon Unit has identical programming to Upsilon Unit…”
From Alpha to Omega and Beta to Zeta, the sequence repeats. Soon the entire crew of robbers is reduced to robot wreckage ravaged ’round the rotunda.
Casting down his useless controller, Hurtful Jester charges for the exit. “You haven’t see-hee-heen the last of me-hee-hee!” He slams headlong into a barrage of security guards.
“Tonight, tragedy was averted here at the Kayla Taylor Gala, and the evil Hurtful Jester is once again captured, thanks to a new superhero.” Bubbly blonde Cindy Serendipity of Adver City Action Six News shifts her microphone toward me. “Super Gus, tell our viewers—how did you do it?”
“Cindy, this was a team effort.” I gesture across the atrium, where the former Super Guy sweeps up droid debris. “I couldn’t have conquered those chrome-plated crooks without my courageous cohort, Flaggy Boy!”
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Super Gus is back and better than ever!! XD
Thanks! Glad you are following him!
clever! amusing! hope to read more stories…
Thank you. I am enjoying building out Super Gus’s world.
Love the banter! …and the alliteration …and the play on words …and the superhero competition!
Glad you liked it! I had fun writing it.
The story was
…great, I hope! :)
So clever as always.
Fun super hero romp. Great humor. The FedEx bit was my favorite. There’s only so many colors…
Hilarious! Loved it!
This one made me giggle. And that last line? Perfection.