By Lisa Timpf
Alice Liddell stood, brushed the dirt off her white pinafore apron, and stretched. That’s enough gardening for today. Her back muscles complained, and Alice massaged the most painful ones with her right hand. Retirement was great. Being old enough to have retired, not so much.
Alice gazed longingly at the forest. What adventures she’d had, as a child, roaming those same woods. Why, it was there she’d encountered the White Rabbit and found the gateway to Wonderland.
Sometimes she missed those days.
“Tea’ll be ready in an hour!” Edith called from the house.
Alice turned and waved in acknowledgement.
Alice sighed. Life had become so predictable after retirement. If only…
Movement. In her peripheral vision. “It can’t be.”
But it was.
Balanced on his hind legs and swinging his forelegs to add momentum, a massive white rabbit sped past Alice. He dove into a hole at the base of a massive oak at the fringe of the woods.
Alice took several steps in pursuit, then stopped.
I shouldn’t. Tea’s almost ready . . .
Same tea as yesterday, and tomorrow.
“Right behind you,” Alice said, grinning.
***
Edith never seemed to believe Alice’s accounts of her adventures in Wonderland. In a way, Alice understood. Sometimes she hardly believed them herself. When she crawled into the rabbit-hole—much larger than it looked—she half expected to run out of real estate—or perhaps run into a cornered, angry bunny.
Instead, she popped out in a familiar place.
A man with a top hat bearing a price tag was sitting at a table. The March Hare sat across from him. Both looked up as Alice approached.
“Care to join us?” The Hatter tipped his headgear.
“Join you for tea?”
“Yes, tee.”
A clatter from behind prompted Alice to look back. Two golf bags, generously loaded with clubs, approached, propelled by no visible means Alice could discern.
The bags plunked to the ground, one in front of the Hatter and one in front of the Hare. A dormouse emerged from beneath each bag.
The Hatter snapped his fingers at the nearest dormouse. “Have Curly bring another bag for our guest.”
The dormouse saluted, then scurried away. He returned, followed by a third of his kind hauling a bag of clubs for Alice.
Golf? Why not? Alice had won the ladies’ club championship two years ago. This was right up her alley.
***
Right up my alley, hah, Alice thought a short time later. She should have known better. This was, after all, Wonderland.
First, there’d been the clubhouse—a quaint two-story building covered with club symbols. A ten of clubs lounged in front of the building, cleaning golf gear. She’d tiptoed past, remembering unpleasant encounters with animated playing cards on previous visits.
Golf in Wonderland wasn’t the same as at home. For one thing, Wonderlanders started on the ninth hole and worked backwards to the first. For another, they teed off from the green and hit the ball toward the tee.
Landing the ball within a generous square marked by the tee blocks counted as holing out. One hardly needed to putt, which suited Alice, as putting had never been her strength. Much to her delight, she got a hole-in-one on the third hole.
Of course, there were minor annoyances. Alice’s pitching wedge shouted “Batter up!” each time she used it. When she’d requested a sand wedge, the dormouse handed her corned beef on rye. But Alice didn’t complain. She’d worked up an appetite.
Soon afterward, however, she had a problem. “I’m afraid I’ve landed in the rough.”
“Rrrruff,” the Hatter said.
“That’s what I said.”
“Not quite.”
The Hare placed a paw on the Hatter’s arm. “Let her see for herself.”
“See what?” Alice grumbled. She trudged toward her ball.
“Rrrruff.”
Alice looked around but saw nothing that might have uttered the sound. A Cheshire dog, perhaps?
Alice heard panting. Suddenly, her ball flew out of the long grass and landed at her feet.
“Thank you,” she said, not sure who she was thanking.
Grass blades swayed like wagging tails.
Oh. Rrrruff indeed.
***
By the seventh hole, Alice started cheating, using her foot to position the ball more favorably. Nobody seemed to care. Before the game could degenerate further, the clubs morphed into flamingos and flew away. The dormice, freed from service, jogged toward the clubhouse, hauling the now-empty golf bags.
From behind came a shout. “Playing through!”
Alice stood aside. A barely-under-control golf cart carrying a pot-bellied mustachioed man and an almost-identical walrus careened past.
“I tell you, I scored an oyster on the last hole,” the Carpenter declared.
“I rather thought it was bread,” the Walrus replied.
Alice took the distraction as an opportunity to slip away. Soon, she’d left the golf course behind.
She’d forgotten how strange Wonderland was. It’d been fun, back in the day, but now it just exhausted her.
“You again.” The voice sounded friendly, but Alice couldn’t tell where it was coming from.
Unless—that white-toothed frown, suspended in the maple tree—
Sure enough, the Cheshire Cat, his trademark smile turned upside down, materialized.
“What happened to the grin?” Alice asked.
“What’s to smile about?” The Cat shrugged. “Humpty’s gone, th’ forest’s been invaded by wildcrafters, and th’ caterpillar’s now a butterfly—an endangered species, I might add.”
“It’s not the way I remember it.”
The Cat leaned closer. “Nothing ever is.”
“I miss my sister.”
“Then what’s keepin’ ya?”
***
“Alice?”
Alice took a moment to gather her wits before sitting up. She’d forgotten how taxing it was, jumping between worlds.
“I came to call you for tea, and I found you lying here, under the tree.” Edith put her hands on her hips. “Honestly, Alice, if you wanted a nap there are perfectly good beds indoors that won’t hurt your .”
“I’ve had such a curious dream.”
“Again?” Edith’s expression softened. “Fine, then. Tell me about it over tea.”
“Regular tea? Like always?”
“Of course.”
“Perfect.”
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Glad Alice made it back to Wonderland for tee time! Fun play on words.
Thanks Gretchen!
Nice! Very clever plot, word choice, characterizations. Was lots of fun to read, and a fitting entry for Wacky Wednesday.
Lisa, I loved the wacky game of backward golf! Fun to read!
Good to see one of Alice’s actual sisters take part in the story.