By Abigail Ellison
“I can’t believe her!” Dr. Null paced at the lair’s front door. “She said she thought this lair was perfect for us, but she forgot to mention the colony of warmongering squirrels?”
“Calm down, Your Emptiness,” Inferno quipped. “We’ll just evict the Xintixa and the lair is ours. No wonder the price is low; most of the bill’s covered by our labor right now.”
Null huffed, pulling his ragged cape tighter around himself. “Yeah, well, I don’t like this. It feels… wrong.”
Inferno rolled his eyes. “You are trying to become a villain, are you not?”
“Yeah!” Null nodded. “But… y’know, not an evil one.”
Inferno opened his mouth, then shut it. “I’m not going to even ask, brother. And you really need to wash that cloak. It looks like it’s growing mold.”
Null shrugged. “Yeah. Sure. Fine.” The dirt gave the cloak character, something Inferno would never understand.
Inferno reached for the doorknob. “I’ll need a command from your villain persona, Your Emptiness.”
Null hesitated. From what little he knew of the Xintixa, they were fierce enemies despite their size. Trying to burn them out didn’t feel effective… Maybe bribing them with food? They liked cheese, didn’t they? He’d heard it’d worked once for Ultra-Violet… and they really needed this lair.
Inferno arched his eyebrows, waiting.
Null brushed the idea aside. Not only was it a little silly, something no villain ever wanted to appear as, but Inferno had been doing this longer. Surely, he was right, and this way was best.
Null straightened to his full height, glared at Inferno as if he was the scum of the earth, and said, “Set them smoldering, Inferno, or I’ll have your head.” He waited a beat. “How was that? Scary?”
“No.” Inferno smirked, wrenching the door open.
***
Null would never have seen the need to examine the back closet before purchasing the lair, but now he was forced to admire the Xintixa’s creativity. Who knew it would make such a delightful holding cell? You could easily fit two people inside, even if it was a little uncomfortable. Inferno’s elbow jabbed into Null’s stomach.
“I told you I didn’t like this.” Null pressed an ear to the door, listening to the mass chittering from the Xintixa on the other side. He should have trusted his gut. Fighting them would never work.
“I had no idea they could run so fast.” Inferno groaned. “Get off my foot.”
“Sorry.” Null shifted.
“Nope, that’s worse. Go back.”
Null shifted back. “Well, we were never going to be able to overcome them with brute force. Maybe we could negotiate somehow.” In a way that wasn’t embarrassing.
“Says the villain.” Inferno sighed.
“Oh, shut it.” Null trod on Inferno’s foot even harder.
The door to the closet swung open, and they both sprawled onto the floor.
“I, Phezznibbet Maplebark, find you guilty of invading our colony and threatening our survival! As such, you are now to be executed!” The Red squirrel lifted a bone-white dagger.
Null frantically searched the pockets of his robe, trying to find some gizmo to help. Between death and looking stupid, Null would pick looking stupid any day. Laser pointer, exploding gum, Mr. Intonation’s unbreakable floss… Where was it? He knew it was in there.
The squirrel inhaled, the dagger about to drop.
Null gave a very unintimidating shriek and threw yesterday’s leftover sandwich at him.
It made a squelching sound as it slid down the squirrel’s face, and Null cringed before noticing Phezz’s nose twitching.
“What is that smell?” Phezz looked back at his colony, and they all started sniffing. “Is it… Is it…?” And then all in one voice they yelled, “Cheese!” and pounced on the slightly fuzzy grilled cheese sandwich, shredding it to nothing in ten seconds flat.
“You had a sandwich in your pocket?” Inferno mimed gagging.
Null ignored him, mind swirling. His gut was talking to him again, and this time he planned to listen. “Look!” He announced loudly, grabbing all the Xintixa’s attention. “I will pay you all in cheese if you find a new place for your colony!”
***
“It’s only been two weeks, but I never want to see a lump of Gruyère ever again.” Null groaned into the aged green couch they’d moved into the lair. Red squirrel fur coated the upholstery.
“The cheese paying was your idea, I remind you,” Inferno called from the counter where he cubed Gouda into a bucket. “C’mon, we’re almost done. Help me carry it out.”
Null sighed, grabbed a bucket, and hefted it out the front door of the lair into their intentionally overgrown and creepy garden, which was now seething with Xintixa.
“Cheese!” they chanted, Phezz in the lead, pumping his bone knife up and down.
“It was a good idea to hire them to be our defense system until we can install cameras,” Inferno admitted.
“Of course it was.” Null dumped the cheese from the bucket, watching them swarm over the mound. Another of his gut’s genius ideas. “After all, we want to become villains, right?” He nudged Inferno with his shoulder.
“Yeah.” Inferno nudged back with a devilish grin. “But not evil ones.”
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Quirky villains with even quirkier enemies? This was definitely my kind of story! :D
Oh my goodness, the non-evil villains! I laughed out loud reading this; amazing work, Abigail!
Funny! I love the “villains” and the mass of Xintixa and the way they interact. Who’s scamming who? In addition, I love cheese as much as Phezz and co. do. Nice story.
Warmongering squirrels? Well, no place is perfect.
Milk, coagulated, curds cut and cooked, whey removed, pressed, brined, aged in the cold and the wet. A rind forms, a hardened exterior, like an egg that keeps golden treasure hid. May we always be like Phezz, our hearts ecstatic to receive this gift.
I so wish I had an army of Xintixa guarding instead of security cameras, though paying in buckets of cheese may be a hard sell to the wife. Great job, Abigail. These villains are super funny.