By Natalie Roffing
“Get your filthy hide out of here!” The broom came dangerously close to shortening me by a tail. I dove underneath the table, but I still felt the tickle of its straw.
Now, I’m sure you’re wondering why I was getting attacked by someone with a weapon of mass cleaning. It’s kind of a long story, which started about two days ago. Back when I was young and stupid.
***
“Phezznibbet Maplebark, upon you I bestow the greatest honor of Xintixa, The Golden Scroll.”
I opened my palms as the king dropped the shiny, yellow roll of paper. My heart beat faster, knowing what I had signed myself up for.
“The challenge of the Golden Scroll has never been overcome. In fact, no one has ever returned from attempting it. However, if you do accomplish it, the rewards shall be generous, indeed.”
I bowed. “Thank you, King Nibblet. I will do my best.”
The king nodded, and I received the honor of a full military escort out of the throne room.
***
Yep. That’s me. Good ole Phezz. Brave Champion of the Golden Scroll. I’m beginning to realize how stupid that was. It seemed simple. Go to the Netherlands. Alkmaar specifically. Go to the cheese market. And steal some cheese. How hard could that possibly be?
“I can still see you!” The lady came at me again. The broom smacked the cobblestones, centimeters from my head.
I tried to add an extra burst of speed. People screamed as I raced by. Some of the braver ones tried to throw things at me. Rocks, cheese rinds, and other random objects pinged my helmet. That’s why you wear helmets, kids.
My four paws beat against the cobblestones, drumming a staccato rhythm. My bandolier of knives clanked against my chest, severely inhibiting my ability to run for my life. Don’t get me wrong. I loved my knives. I had gotten out of many a prickly situation with them. But at the moment, they were causing the prickly situation.
I tried to make a quick turn, but my vest chose that moment to bunch up and send me sprawling.
“I’ve got you now!” The broom-wielding psychopath stood over me, fiendish delight on her face.
“Wait!” I waved a paw desperately. “Please! Don’t broom me!”
She stopped and almost fell when her foot caught on a cobblestone. “Did you just… say something?”
“Um, yes?” I looked at her in confusion. Why was this fact so surprising?
“But you’re a… squirrel.” Her hands dropped slightly.
“I am not a squirrel!” I smacked my forehead with my paw. “I am a Xintixa! Why can you people never get it right?”
“But you can talk!” The broom touched the ground for the first time.
“Yes. You will find out that my kind are considered one of the most eloquent in creation.”
She blinked several times. “There are more of you?”
I sighed heavily. Leave it to the larger races to completely miss our existence. So typical. “Yes, there are more of us. Many more.”
“And what do you want with me?” she asked, suspicion in both her tone and features.
“I don’t want anything to do with you. I just want some of that Parmigiano Reggiano you’re famous for.” Aleta De Vries’s family recipe was known far and wide as being the best take on Parmigiano Reggiano out there.
“Really? Why would you want that?”
“Uh, because my king does. And if I get it for him, he’ll pay me handsomely.”
“And that’s all you want?”
“Yes!” I scrambled to my paws and did a quick survey of the area, wondering if I had any chance of getting the cheese and escaping. Nope. Not gonna happen. I looked back at Aleta, who appeared to be considering something. She was staring at me, but I got the feeling she didn’t quite see me.
“How much of it do you need?” She suddenly asked.
“What?” I was not expecting this.
“How much cheese do you need?” she repeated.
“Why?”
“I’ve got parts of some old wheels that I need to get rid of. They’re still good, but I’ve got a new batch that’s ready to go. You’re welcome to them if you want.”
“Seriously?” I couldn’t believe I was just being offered the prize that many of my kind had died for.
“Of course. Do you have a way to get it back to your king?”
“Yeah. I’ll just go get it.” Boy, oh, boy. I was gonna do this. I was gonna bank on the word of a lady who had just tried to broom me.
This would either go really great or really rotten. Trotting after her, I wondered how I was going to fit my loot into the tiny trunk in the shuttle.
***
“Here you go, Your Highness. De Vries family Parmigiano Reggiano. An entire crate of it.” I bowed low as the king’s guard carried the cheese fragments up to the throne.
“Very impressive, Phezznibbet Maplebark. So many of my soldiers have died trying to accomplish what you seemed to have so easily done. And for that, your treasure.”
I tried not to lick my lips as two burly guards came forward, each carrying a heavy wooden chest.
They placed them in front of me, opening each just a crack. My eyes widened as the bright shimmer of gold illuminated my face.
Oh, yes. My dream is now a reality. Treetop inn, here I come.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
“No one has ever returned from the challenge of the Golden Scroll…” King Nibblet repeats to himself as he watches Phezz walk out into the wide world. “No one…” But his mouth turns into a wry smile, and he mutters to himself “Exactly why I sent my mother-in-law on the quest all those years ago.”
Fantastic story! I love Phezz’s character! Let’s go Natalie!!
Being a cheese connoisseur, this made me happy!
Natalie, this was such a fun story. I especially enjoyed the “broom-wielding psychopath” comment! 😂
Really nice, really fun story; it had my smiling widely as I read it (luckily, I was reading it at home, alone).