By J. M. Allison
“My dear Jean-Luc, this is an essential part of the holiday,” Victor clapped me on the back, steering me past hay bales and piles of pre-cut pumpkins, heading deeper into the patch. “We select a pumpkin, then carve a design into it, and display it on the front stoop.”
I scowled and stared out over the field of orange and green. I pointed at the nearest orange blob. “That one.”
Victor shook his head, pushing me along. “Too small.”
The moonlight gave the field a suitable eerie glow. Perfect for two vampires hunting for pumpkins, according to Victor.
“Fine.” I pointed at a large misshapen white squash. “That one.”
Victor frowned and turned glaring red eyes in my direction. “Please, try to take this seriously, my friend.” His crisp British accent lent more condescension than the words implied, “Participating in All Hallows Eve will help us blend in. You may even have fun.”
After two hours, I determined picking pumpkins ranked less exciting than watching paint dry.
“Enlighten me, again, as to the point of this exercise.” I folded my arms and bared my fangs. “I’ve suggested over half the pumpkins in this field, and you’ve unceremoniously rejected every one.”
“And I’ll continue to reject every one until you embrace the spirit of this endeavor,” Victor flashed me a smug smile.
Had blood remained in my veins, it would’ve boiled. I could rip him limb from limb before he had time to blink; a privilege of being older, faster, and stronger.
“Kill me,” Victor sent me a pointed look, “and you’ll spend another five centuries alone. Admit it, I’ve brought excitement and joy back into your existence.” I didn’t need the moonlight to see the self-satisfied puff of his chest.
Perhaps it’d been a mistake to turn him. At the time, I’d been impressed by his honor, intelligence, and nerve. Now, those traits seemed severely overrated.
“Tolerating your grumpy demeanor should qualify me for sainthood.” He flashed me another lopsided, cocky grin, then bent down and plucked a plump round pumpkin from the patch. “Perfect, don’t you think?”
“Finally.” I turned, ready to race from the patch, but Victor’s hand clamped onto my shoulder.
“This one’s mine. You still need one.”
I resisted the urge to fling him across the field. The sooner Victor believed he’d won, the sooner I’d be done with this ridiculous exercise. I made a show of considering the numerous options around me.
“That one.” I pointed to a large green-and-orange pumpkin, squashed flat on one side. “Resembles your head after I toss you into a tree. Perfect, don’t you think?”
His cocky smile faltered, a hint of caution filling his eyes.
I smiled and reached toward the pumpkin.
Phlit. Phlit.
I recoiled, but not fast enough. Two finger-length, yellow darts protruded from my palm. I plucked out the thin shafts and frowned as a numbness spread up my arm.
“Victor”—I kept my tone neutral—“do pumpkins usually shoot darts when you pick them?”
“No.”
“Do they typically move on their own?” I watched as several leafy vines drew my pumpkin from the dirt, like a spider unfolding its limbs. The pumpkin turned, revealing wrinkles reminiscent of a toothless frown and squinting eyes. A golden flower, with a dozen stamen quills nestled inside, decorated the creature’s back.
Phlit. Phlit.
I dove behind a small mound of pre-cut pumpkins. A sharp pain radiated from my unshielded posterior, and I suppressed a curse.
“Victor!” I twisted, trying to reach the offending spike. “Victor!”
Phlit. Phlit.
I heard a yelp of surprise, then a string of expressions fit only for the London docks.
“It seems you omitted a little detail when you suggested this festive activity!” I spat.
“You’re implying this is my fault?” His words rang through the night, all good humor gone.
“It isn’t mine!” I peered over the pile of pumpkins. Victor hid behind a stack of hay bales.
The monster swiveled between Victor’s position and mine, waiting.
I sped from my hiding place and dove behind Victor’s hay bales.
Three yellow shafts shot after me.
“Don’t move,” Victor commanded. With one fluid motion, he plucked a seven-inch spike from my hindquarters. “I hope you’re not going to tell me you find pumpkin hunting to be a pain in the butt?”
I glared at him, my backside going numb. “Perhaps next time you’ll share all pertinent details, so I can decline before I regret agreeing.” I peeked around the bale.
“This isn’t typical botanical behavior.” He flashed me a grin. “Perhaps we’ve discovered the reason for the ‘Beware: No Trespassing’ signs.”
I suppressed a snarl.
“I recommend you kill it or train it.” Victor suggested.
“It’s a plant, not a puppy! Besides, we’re here at your insistence, so solving this dilemma rests squarely with you.”
“Touché.” Victor peered around the hay bale then pulled back as another stamen whistled past. He clutched his chosen pumpkin. “Might be easier said than done.”
“Don’t worry.” I yanked the pumpkin from his hands. “I’ll protect your prize. Go!”
Victor gave a mock salute, then launched himself from our hiding place. He circled the creature at superspeed, snapping leaves and bits of vine with each pass.
The monster rumbled and shot spikes after him.
“Stop playing and smash it!” I’d forgotten how much young vampires enjoyed showing off.
“But what if smashing it causes all the bits to become new little pumpkin-spiders?”
I snorted. Seizing one of the quills protruding from the hay above me, I charged the creature. Its viney legs whipped toward me. I blocked them with clumsy movements, stumbling forward on numb legs. Reaching the pumpkin head, I drove the quill deep into the orange-and-green-streaked face. The monster gave a shudder, dropped at my feet, and shriveled to a dry husk.
“Well done, my friend,” Victor praised as he reclaimed his pumpkin. “You see, picking out pumpkins is quite exciting!”
I ground my teeth. I hated when he was right.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
This is quite a twist from a character piece to an action-packed adventure. Pumpkin spiders are my new favorite thing.
Gald you enjoyed it! Thanks for reading. :-)
FUN!
Thank you. So happy you enjoyed it!
This was hilarious! And quite exciting. I did not expect that twist. Probably the first time I’ve cheered for vampires!
Thank you for the kind words. I’m glad you enjoyed it. 🙂
Exciting, yes. Fun… not necessarily? 🤣