By John Leatherman
Saturday, February 22, my junior year of high school, was the most memorable day of my life—and the president’s.
It started the night before, when I was in my room doing trigonometry homework and listening to a replay of President Lance Quagmire’s afternoon press conference. I had to shut it off.
I looked George in the eye. “How does he get away with those lies? You must be furious, especially with your birthday tomorrow.”
I should add that George is my lucky quarter. I found him back in kindergarten, the same day I understood why a quarter-hour is fifteen minutes and not twenty-five.
“You were the president who couldn’t tell a lie. Your current successor just says whatever makes him look good.” Closing my fist around George, I stared up at my slowly rotating mobile of the fifty state flags. “I wish for one day, the president would only tell the truth.”
The next morning, I met with classmates Tonya, Joyce, Didi, and Brent at Vinod’s house to study for the Advanced Placement US History exam.
Vinod led us to his basement den. “To get you motivated to study our past presidents, I found this about our current one.” He read from his phone. “‘Following his weekly golf game yesterday evening, a reporter asked President Lance Quagmire to describe his technique. Quagmire replied, “Whenever the ball lands in a difficult spot, I have my Secret Service detail surround me. Then I make a swoop-click sound and just throw the ball.”’”
Should I mention my wish? Nah, they’d think I’m nuts.
Didi smirked. “Nice to hear Quagmire was honest for a change.”
I perked up. “Yeah, wonder if George had something to do with that.” Did I mention I had a crush on Didi?
I eagerly explained about my wish, and Didi tittered with a dismissive wave. “Good one, John. Did you and Vinod plan this together?”
Vinod opened a textbook. “No, but if George is that lucky, maybe he’ll help us pass this exam. Let’s get started.”
We launched into reviewing the Founding Fathers. Reaching the Missouri Compromise about noon, we took a break. As we reconvened, Joyce showed me her phone. “I messaged my sister about George, and she told her whole sorority. One of them tagged me with this link.”
She played a video of President Quagmire hosting Chancellor Bolt Bludgeon of Ugivzistan at the White House earlier that morning. When Bludgeon mentioned the “treaty” they’d signed, Quagmire corrected him. “We signed a declaration—which basically means nothing. A treaty would have to go through the Senate. Then I’d have to explain to them why your country’s important when I can’t even find it on a map.”
Brent’s jaw dropped. “Creepy.” He turned to me. “When was your wish, again?”
We tracked down the timestamp of the golf interview question—6:28 Washington time—and confirmed it took place after my wish—5:25 Texas time.
Vinod gasped. “Wasn’t there a movie like this once?”
Checking her phone, Tonya giggled. “If this is a movie, get your popcorn. At 4:30, Quagmire has a live interview on C&N!”
***
After breezing through the Gilded Age and Progressive Era, we adjourned to watch the interview on Vinod’s widescreen. Correspondent Hanna Baird opened with, “Mr. President, how will your tax plan help the middle class?”
“I don’t know. Haven’t read it. But people I trust tell me it’s good.”
Baird frowned. “You didn’t read your own proposal?”
“I never read anything. Except online posts about me. If they’re short.”
“That must make it hard to do your job effectively.”
“Yeah, wish someone had warned me about that. I thought the president could do whatever he wanted. Turns out there’s a Constitution—did you know that?”
As Baird persisted, Quagmire confessed to misconceptions and lies going all the way back to his first campaign promise. When asked how he planned to appeal for a second term, Quagmire admitted, “To get reelected, I’ll probably have to start a war.”
C&N cut to a commercial. We all groaned.
Brent checked his watch. “5:13. We’re probably not seeing any more of that. What happens now?”
I smiled. “Well, in the movie, the guy stops lying and becomes a better person.”
Didi touched my shoulder. “We can always hope.”
***
We lingered at the HDTV another twelve minutes just to be sure, then jumped back a century. As we discussed the New Deal, Vinod’s phone emitted a klaxon tone. He punched the speakerphone. “Mom, I’m right downstairs.”
“I know,” Mrs. Singh stammered. “There are some… people coming down to see you.”
A cadre of dark-suited men in sunglasses trooped into the den. The leader flashed an NSA badge. “We need George Lucky to come with us.”
Didi whispered, “John, I don’t think the president’s a better person yet.”
***
For what happened next, see our A-plus joint senior project, How to Survive a Federal Interrogation without Counsel. TL;DR, having no human George among us, we all managed to go home that night.
Meanwhile Quagmire called the Washington Day Massacre a “sophisticated hoax perpetrated by unknown enemy elements” and vowed his administration would launch a crusade against “fake disinformation.”
Eventually the NSA retraced the social media threads back to Joyce’s original message and realized they were looking for a coin. By then, my dad’s lawyer had arranged anonymous communication with the investigation. The government considered George a serious threat to national security—and property of the US Mint. I countered with the lack of federal statutes against making additional wishes. Ultimately, I negotiated the surrender of George, along with the release of Hanna Baird from Guantanamo, in exchange for another quarter. Million.
To keep it safe from taxation by Quagmire, I deposited it in an offshore account.
$249,999.75 of it, anyway. I kept George Junior.
And the luck transferred between coins, because I scored a date with Didi.
I cannot tell a lie.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
John, I loved your story! Centering it around dishonest politicians was a great idea. I sure wish we had lucky George for this election year!
So glad you liked it! Thank you!
Loved the president’s name! Quagmire says so much! Great take on Liar, Liar as well.
Thank you! It was fun to write.
Clever take on the Liar, Liar theme!
Thank you! I knew the comparison would come up, so I figured I’d lean into it. =]
Funny!
What a hoot! Definitely a mood boost this week.
I love this concept, and the humor is wonderful!