By Ryan Bush
“We’ll be late, Harold!” Beatrice scolded as Harold zipped toward the nearby star. “I told you we needed to leave early!”
“We would’ve been fine if it weren’t for that construction on the Tarangian Way!” Harold snapped back, purple facial tentacles writhing angrily. “Who reduces an intergalactic byway to one lane? Traffic was stopped completely!”
“Well,” Beatrice sniffed, “if we miss this silly moon landing, I’m not taking the blame.”
Harold grumbled and directed their ship toward the star’s third planet. As they drew near, an intergalactic police cruiser flashed a warning message across his viewscreen. Harold activated their ship’s cloaking device, then joined a line of ships heading to the planet’s nearby moon.
“Dad, what planet is this, anyway?” Michael rumbled from the backseat. Poor boy was nearing adolescence but still had the deep voice of a child.
“Yeah!” piped up Sophie in her higher voice. “There’s no civilized planets for a hundred parsecs around. We can’t even get reception!” Two years Michael’s senior, Sophie’s green facial tentacles were already turning purple, and she had taken to braiding them in a most unladylike manner. Harold intended to discuss that with her sometime, but for now, he just chuckled.
“We’re going old-school today, kids. Check this out.” He pressed a button, and an icon appeared on their holodevices. “Tadaaa! Digital brochures from the tourism office. We’re in the wilderness, let’s enjoy the sights!”
Harold parked on the moon alongside rows of other ships and intergalactic tour buses. The family’s nanogear spacesuits automatically activated, and as they disembarked to join the crowds, Sophie read the brochure aloud in the bored, listless tone only teenage Xanaforms could manage.
“Earth, the only naturally occupied planet in its solar system, is home to one moon. Today, Earth’s inhabitants will take their first steps on their moon’s surface.” She rolled her eyestalks. “Dad, this is so boring!”
“Nonsense!” Harold laughed. “This is history. It’ll be great! Listen, it says here that they’ve named their spacecraft ‘the Iggle.’ An Iggle is a scaly, fire-breathing creature from Earth, just like their spaceship. Isn’t that neat?”
Michael grunted, and Sophie scoffed. “Whatever, Dad.”
Thankfully, the spacecraft hadn’t landed yet. A tour guide directed everyone to the edge of a large crater.
“Over here, folks, this is as close as you’re allowed to get. We want their site to remain pristine and untouched. Plenty of room!”
Harold steered the family into an area with a perfect view of a giant holoscreen. Telecameras captured everything, displaying the landing at a safe distance from the humans’ notice. The telecameras zoomed in on a ship high above the moon’s surface.
A tour guide explained the proceedings. “Don’t worry, folks, those flames are normal. The Iggle should land shortly, and then you’ll see the humans take their first steps on another world!”
Everyone watched, enraptured, as the spacecraft approached the moon’s surface. Minutes ticked by, and slowly, ever so slowly, the craft descended. When it touched down, the tour guide happily announced, “Ladies and gentlemen, the Iggle has landed!”
The crowd cheered.
“Keep your eyestalks peeled, you’re about to see humans walk on another planet for the first time!”
But nothing happened. The little craft just sat there, and Harold shifted impatiently. What was taking the humans so long?
The tour guide came back on the intercoms. “Sorry folks. Looks like these little guys are shy. It might take them some time to come out of their shell! Feel free to check out the gift shop and snack stands, and we’ll be sure to announce any developments.”
The crowd groaned, and Beatrice shot Harold a glare that started melting his face visor.
“Careful, honey,” he winced, “your sight’s more powerful with no atmosphere. I’m going to check out the gift shop. Will you get some food?”
Beatrice grumbled and stomped away, kids in tow. Harold meandered alone through the gift shop, sulking at the trip’s setbacks and the shop’s outrageous prices. He finally settled on an overpriced T(entacle)-shirt that said “The Iggle Has Landed!” with a logo of the green, scaly creature.
When their family regrouped, nothing had happened yet. Beatrice and the kids held strange yellow foods, and she gave one to Harold.
“This is traditional Earth food, so we thought we’d try it. They call them Corny Cobblers.”
Harold stuck the Corny Cobbler into his helmet’s membrane system, and when it reached his mouth, he tried a bite. The outer shell was juicy, almost greasy, but the inside was quite tough and tasteless. He swallowed a bite, grimacing, and tried another. The rest of the family’s faces showed they weren’t enjoying the treats, either.
“Not bad!” Harold laughed hollowly. “Those humans sure have interesting cuisine!”
Everyone rolled their eyestalks at his hopeless optimism, and Harold sighed. Humanity was proving more frustrating than he’d expected. At least they would probably leave their ship in a few minutes.
“Dad, how many hours has it been?” Michael asked. Harold glanced at his chrono again.
“Only four. Don’t worry, they’ll emerge soon,” Harold said with false bravado. Many tourists had left already, flying home before the night’s big Intergalactic PlasmaBall game.
Suddenly, the announcer shouted excitedly to the diminished crowd. “We have movement!”
Everyone raced to the crater’s edge, gazing at the distant ship and the holoscreen. After a moment, they saw a white figure emerge and make its slow way down a ladder. When it reached the ground, the whole crowd cheered. A few minutes later, another figure emerged and joined the first.
They watched the humans slowly shuffle around, picking up rocks and dirt. Harold stifled a yawn. He wanted to be enraptured, but he’d seen Zzlovanian Slugs with more energy.
“Dad,” Sophie whined. “Can we go home? I’m tired.”
Harold sighed. “Fine. Let’s go.”
They trooped dejectedly back to their ship, and Beatrice patted Harold gently on the back.
“This trip was a nice thought. Thanks for trying, honey.”
“You bet,” he muttered. “Next vacation, we’re touring a black hole.”
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The moon landing from a different viewpoint indeed! A fun story.
Thanks, I’m glad you enjoyed it!
This was hilarious! I like your clash of cultures. We’d probably get the same reaction from the ancient Greeks or Romans if they were here today.
Haha, some things just seem really strange to an outsider don’t they? I’m glad you enjoyed it, I had fun trying to imagine what the whole situation would look like to an alien already used to space travel!
was this their ‘christmas’ vacation?
Unfortunately no, this was just a regular day trip for the family!
However, Christmas is the sole intergalactic holiday celebrated nearly universally, and all manners of species enjoy putting up Christmas trees and giving gifts, although stockings are usually replaced with that species’ clothing of choice. Kids and adults still get a few days off no matter where they are, and Christmastime is a favorite holiday for alien families to take a little vacation and do some sightseeing.
But for Xanaforms like this family, their favorite vacation time is their planet’s annual holiday, “Regurgitation Day.” On this day, the black hole at the center of their solar system regurgitates everything it’s swallowed over the last year, and people flock from all over to celebrate the return of beloved planets, spacecraft, and other objects, all only slightly gravity damaged. Harold always splurges and takes the family to the edge of the system to spend the weekend at an asteroid belt resort, watching the Regurgitation Day parade on intergalactic television while the kids play in low-G.
This story had great world-building. I could help but smile!
What a humorous take on the moon landing!!
Thank you! I’m glad the humor was a hit!
That was fun! Now I want a T(entacle)-shirt that says “The Iggle has landed” XD
Thanks! I’m half tempted to whip up that t-shirt design as a marketing gimmick…
Quite funny! Of course we’d be boring to aliens 😂
I’m glad you enjoyed it! Yeah, I think if they can already zip across the galaxy or universe, our paltry spacecraft will be rather unimpressive to them.