By Austin Grisham
A Garangian paladin is intimidating. His armor has spikes and hooks and even gives off an eerie phosphorescent glow in the dark. The emperor wouldn’t have it any other way. He knew any conquered alien who might dare to fight his paladins would take one look at a Garangian’s helmet and decide resistance was foolhardy before he made it down to his steel-toed boots.
The paladin tasked with expanding the empire on this particular planet pointed an imposing finger at the gelatinous blob stomach of a Submissian. The creature’s little green body wiggled under the sunlight. They faced each other on the lone volcanic island of the tiny world of Submissium.
“I am Khulagian,” the paladin said. He towered nine feet tall over the modest four feet of Submissian quivering before him. A traditional horned helmet covered his head, and his dark armor shimmered in the sunlight. His voice cracked down like a laser bombardment. “I have come because I— Wait, what are you doing?”
“We are doing the dance of war,” the Submissian said. He and the nineteen Submissians around him twisted their bodies back and forth, swaying their gelatinous selves one way, then another. A Submissian looked like soft green gelatin—mostly thin membranes with water inside. Little ripples traveled up and down their soft bodies as they moved.
“If that is how you go to war, it is little wonder it took me only a second to subdue you.” Khulagian nudged his long, metallic laser rifle into the soft body of the Submissian. “No Garangian would ever be caught doing such a silly dance. We outlawed such stupidity centuries ago!” He bared his large teeth in a vicious snarl.
“We don’t know how to fight,” the first Submissian said, his voice a high squeak, “and we haven’t been to war in a millennium. Our war dance is mostly so that other civilizations know we are harmless.”
Khulagian wanted to scratch his head, but that required removing his helmet, which no decent Garangian would ever do—it would make him less intimidating. Instead, he turned to the group of Submissians before him. “I have come here because legend has it that great power will come with the sacrifice of one of your kind.” He pointed toward the volcano at the center of the isle. “Which one of you will make that sacrifice?”
The group of Submissians jiggled nervously. One of them spoke up. “Do we really have to?”
Khulagian pointed his gun at the speaker. That Submissian collapsed into a green puddle, groveling on the ground. A ripple of fear ran through his compatriots.
The other Submissians huddled together in a group. One of the green blobs formed a small arm and started scratching on the ground.
“Ah, you are making a battle circle?” Khulagian pointed at the drawing. Finally, something that made sense.
“No,” the Submissian replied. “We settle most of our disputes with a game of hopscotch.”
“Your species is revolting,” Khulagian growled.
The Submissian finished the diagram, and the group lined up behind the first square. Adroitly bounding from one square to the other, the gelatinous masses made their way through the hopscotch grid. Midway through the second round, one of the green masses—Khulagian couldn’t tell one from the other—jumped outside of the square.
The little green blob slouched down, trembling. He knew his fate.
Nineteen other blobs encircled it, coming together in a green ring like a holiday gelatin wreath, and hugged their unfortunate brother. They cooed collectively, warbling notes full of sorrow and love.
“Enough.” Khulagian tried to grab one of the Submissians. His hand went straight through the watery mass. “You, the one in the center, start moving toward the volcano!”
Reluctantly, the green blob bounced up the path that led to the volcano’s summit. Khulagian and the other Submissians followed behind.
Coming to the top, the doomed blob approached the edge of the volcano and looked over. Its body shivered.
“Wendle,” an anxious green glob called from behind, “you are so brave.”
“Wendle?” Khulagian said. “Even your names are silly. Hurry up and jump already.”
Taking one last look at his friends, little ripples of fear running through his gelatin body, Wendle threw himself over the side.
Khulagian strode to the rim of the volcano and awaited the great power that the prophecy foretold. A puff of steam rose past his face.
Suddenly he felt a little odd. There was something inside him. He smiled. The power enters me!
It’s just me! No need to be so formal.
Khulagian’s arms waved in front of his face.
What? thought Khulagian. He tried to pull his arms back.
It’s me, Wendle. When I jumped off the volcano, the heat turned my body into gas. I rose up, and you just breathed me in.
But the prophecy! Khulagian could not move his lips, but his skull rattled as he shouted in his mind.
Is correct. Great power was granted, but it came to the one that was sacrificed. Isn’t that silly? I can control your body now.
Wait, what? What are you going to do to me? Khulagian tried in vain to move his legs.
We would never do anything to you. As you know, we Submissians don’t even know how to fight. None of our kind would ever hurt you. We are a fun-loving people.
Khulagian felt one leg involuntarily rise, and his body hop backward away from the volcanic rim on one foot. In fact, I think I’m up for a game of hopscotch right now! And don’t worry, I’m sure we can figure out your ship’s recording system and send a video to your emperor of you playing games and dancing with us. He’ll know you’re having a good time!
You Submissians are the worst! Khulagian thought as nineteen little green bodies rushed together to give him their warmest, friendliest hug.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
I pictured a Klingon warrior as I read this, and I chuckled all the way through the story. Hilarious 😂!
Arlan, thanks so much!
Me too!
fantastic! never underestimate your opponent….
Thanks for the kind words. I love it when I entertain someone!
What a great story! It had me quite tickled. Mighty warriors are felled by the most intriguing of methods, aren’t they?
XD
Thanks Rose!
This is so funny, my grandchildren and I enjoyed it immensely!
Aw, the Submissians are so cute. Clever name!