By Gabrielle Pollack
When you plan to murder a monarch, the last creature you should ever tell is a tree.
Yes, every peasant child knows you can’t trust oaks, but I had to get the woods involved. You see, fae kings are notoriously bad at dying, and it would be unacceptable for a man of my station to botch an assassination. Therefore, I needed an inside tree.
The happy couple stood under an arbor of intertwined oaks, holding hands and grinning like giddy children. Princess Alys wore a gown that would put an angel’s tailor to shame. She looked like her mother, curtained in layers of blue with flowers threaded through her hair.
The Fae King Evander was a beast in comparison. He should have looked daunting, with those broad shoulders and curving horns, but he had fallen so far into his love’s eyes it would take half the army to drag him out. A disgrace. In my time, if someone didn’t try to kill you on your wedding day it was considered bad luck.
This king was softer than a dragon’s underbelly. He was simply begging to be murdered.
Who was I to say no?
“May the father of the bride come forward to bless the couple?”
The assembled fae—leafy wolves, flowering stags, tree nymphs—and some uncomfortable peasants turned to watch Adriel’s king march down the aisle.
He didn’t come.
The priest cleared his throat. “May his kingship come forward?”
The crowd murmured.
Evander whispered to Alys. The lass searched the crowd and shook her head. Evander leaned over and said something to the priest.
“We shall continue with the ceremony,” the priest said. “Cupbearer, approach the arbor.”
I hefted a clay goblet. The iron dust cupped in my palm ground against its outside.
I marched down the aisle. A fae and a human stopped me in front of the arbor. Each took a sip from the goblet and nodded to the couple. Evander reached for the wine.
I tripped and pitched into Evander. I slid my hand over the goblet to keep the liquid from sloshing out, then I sprinkled the iron dust inside.
“Pardon me, yer highness.” I hastily shoved the goblet into his hands. The fae quirked an eyebrow but raised it to his lips.
The arbor above our heads groaned. The Fae King paused. His deer-like ears flicked toward the sound.
The trees creaked again—a noise I’d heard the day before, during my consultation with the oaks.
Fopdoodle.
Evander frowned and poured the wine into his hand.
Smoke rose where the iron met his skin. He dropped the cup, and it shattered.
The crowd went mad. Trees rose out of the ground. Cat fae yowled and leaped onto the shoulders of taller creatures. Stags shook their horns. Horses squealed, and the assembly turned from cheerful to murderous.
The king’s peasants were loyal, I’d give him that.
Evander grabbed the hand I’d used to cover the goblet. More smoke drifted into the air. About time he caught on.
Tree roots burst from the ground and tangled my limbs. My joints popped.
“Careful,” I managed.
Fae leaped from their chairs and pointed the sharp ends of a variety of woodland weapons—including a glorified fork—at my neck. I glared at the living arbor. The oaks’ branches wilted in apology.
A staff materialized in Evander’s grip, and a green glow gathered at its head. “Speak quickly, reedrot. Who put you up to this?”
Alys caught his arm. “He’s under a spell.” When had she learned to sense magic?
Evander waved his staff. A chill washed over me, and my disguise dropped.
The fae king’s eyes went wide. He raised a hand, and the trees released me. The humans in the crowd fell to their knees.
The princess sighed. Her eyes filled with enough pity to soften a rock. “Father, this is our wedding day.”
I rolled my shoulders. “Your prince should have caught the iron dust long before the ceremony began.”
“King,” Evander muttered.
“I thought we agreed you’d stop trying to kill him when he proposed,” Alys said.
“I had an antidote.”
She folded her arms. “Still not appropriate for the occasion.”
“If I was a real killer, he’d be ruined.” I motioned to the two arbor guards. “His guards are unobservant, he has very little of what you’d call an army, and if not for the tree, I could have killed both of you.” An angry flush rose in my cheeks. “He knows nothing about keeping his kingdom safe.”
She raised an eyebrow. “His kingdom?”
“Aye, his kingdom.”
“And I’d be much safer at the castle, would I not?” Alys said.
I stuttered. “That… Yes. Precisely.”
Evander opened his mouth, but Alys put a hand on his arm. “So when I visit you, as I often will—so often I fear you’ll grow tired of your only daughter—”
“I would never—”
“You’ll be able to keep me safe.”
I opened my mouth, but the words tangled in a lump.
“In the meantime, I have many friends.” She nodded to the fae. The one with the fork still glared at me. “And I’ll only be a forest away.” She held my hands. Her eyes glimmered with insight—just like her mother.
Only yesterday, I’d been holding a little girl with dimples in her cheeks and scrapes on her knees. In that yesterday, I was the one she came to for protection.
The rather exasperated priest straightened his robes. “Shall we continue with the blessing?”
I cleared my throat. “Of course, my good man. I was about to suggest that very thing.” I pinned a glare on the fae king. “But he made such a hullabaloo about a simple assassination. It’s like he’s never seen one before.”
Evander’s ears flattened, but my daughter only smiled.
My eyes burned. How fast my little girl had turned into a queen.
The fae king held out his hand. I gave him my daughter’s.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
“But he made such a hullabaloo about a simple assassination. It’s like he’s never seen one before.”
Loved that line!
YESSSSS YOU HAVE A HAVOK STORY!! This was delightful. 😂 also, CAT FAE???? 🐱 um WHERE CAN I GET ONE
This poor couple. One *very* interesting father/father-in-law…
XD
Cuuuute. 😄
Great. This story had me chuckling throughout.
This made me laugh so many times! My favorite line was “In my time, if someone didn’t try to kill you on your wedding day it was considered bad luck.”