By Rachel Kimberly Hastings
“Stop messing with your hair, girl. You look acceptable.” Smorloc’s shout echoed from the potions chamber.
I rolled my eyes at my workroom mirror. He’d yet to even see me this morning.
The glass surface rippled and the mirror’s oracle emerged from its murky depths. “Lookin’ good,” he drawled. “Old Smores got summoned to the palace, huh? I can’t believe they keep calling back the one wizard who can’t even do magic.”
“Shush! If Smorloc hears that little comment, you’ll be a shattered pile of seven years’ bad luck.” I gave my hair a few more pats to keep the braided red frizz in check, then pointed two fingers at the coat hook. A purpley bit of Spark zapped out and yanked my favorite green cloak to my hand as I exited the workshop.
Outside, Smorloc leaned on his staff, looking even more cross than usual. “We’re late, thanks to your ridiculous beauty regimen…”
I bounced past him into the street. “Come on! I know a shortcut through the city!”
He stroked his silvery beard. “That awful trollbridge route you keep pestering me about? I made my thoughts on that quite clear.”
I grinned. “What, afraid you won’t be able to handle it?”
“Juniper, child, you’re impossible.”
“I’ll take that as a compliment.”
He fell into step beside me, though his long legs forced me to trot to keep up. “Listen up, Juni. I know you’ve been eager to try this route, but its keepers aren’t like the rest of the troll clans in the city. Rather than accept gold or boiled eggs or wool socks, this clan’s toll is rather more… immature.”
“Smorloc. I’m the one who told you about this bridge in the first place. I know at least I can handle the toll.” I stuck out my tongue.
He grunted.
Our path wound through the narrow alleys of the craftsman district where humans, dwarves, and elves prepared for the day’s customers. High above the rest of the city, the great Palace Terrace shone in the sunlight like the scrying crystal Smorloc made me polish every Tuesday.
As the shops gave way to haphazard tenement buildings, we reached our first bridge, a small cobblestone affair that spanned a gulch with a waterfall. Beside its gate, an old grandmother troll sat in a rocking chair, knitting a fluffy sweater that appeared to have four arms of varying lengths.
Without dropping a stitch, she called out her toll in a gravelly voice: “One lock of hair to pass! Only one per party, good for the whole day!”
I flicked two fingers at Smorloc’s face. My Spark fried an inch from the tip of his beard.
“Hey!” He lunged for me.
I danced out of reach and dropped the troll toll in the granny’s lap. “Hair you go.”
“Passage is granted.” She completely ignored my wordplay. The gate creaked open.
“One down!” I pulled Smorloc across. “The main bridge should be right around this bend.”
We rounded the corner and stopped short. The white limestone bridge soared before us on massive pillars carved with dozens of troll apartments. Dense mist obscured the footings in the gorge below. The far side of the bridge reached all the way to the next tier of the city.
“See? Shortcut.”
Smorloc humphed and made his way to the trollbooth. “Two humans for passage.”
A toothy imp of a troll regarded us over the counter. “And you’re willing to pay the toll? Sign here.”
Smorloc hesitated, tugging on the now-singed point of his beard. I pushed him aside, grabbed the quill and signed for both of us.
“Excellent! Passage is granted to you, scum-licking frogspawn!”
Smorloc narrowed his eyes but let me pull him along to the gate.
Behind us, the booth operator rang a dented cowbell. “Attention all trolls! We have a pair of lily-livered bumblebums crossing now!”
“Sticks and stones, Juniper,” Smorloc said through his teeth. “Don’t react. It’ll only feed their enthusiasm.”
I nodded sagely.
More trolls popped up from their apartments under the bridge, eagerly lining our path to hurl insults as we walked past.
“Gap-toothed ninnies!”
“Dragon appetizers!”
One of the trolls peered under the brim of Smorloc’s hat. “Oy! It’s that failed Warlock!”
Smorloc whirled and loomed over the short troll. “Failed?”
The troll gleefully hopped back to the others, chanting, “Smorloc the Magicless, he always plays the fool! An empty-headed wizard mess, graceful as a mule!”
Smorloc rolled up his sleeve, brandishing his knobby knuckles in a fist. “I’ll show you graceful!”
I shoved him from behind. “Sticks and stones, remember? Keep going!”
“Flabby buttcake!”
“Hoggy hornswoggler!”
Smorloc’s teeth gritted audibly, but he resumed walking forward. Maybe we would avoid an incident after all.
“Don’t know how an old sap like you continues to bamboozle the royals,” one troll sneered. “But we know you’re just a fraud!”
Smorloc froze. I ran into him with a small oof.
Before I could remind him of the thousand-year peace treaty with the trolls of our fine city, Smorloc launched into a rampage down the bridge, plowing trolls off the edges right and left, roaring like a gryphon on bath day.
Worth it.
I caught up with him on the other side of the bridge. He bent double, wheezing and puffing out flushed cheeks. His robes were rumpled, his hat kinked, and his normally well-tamed beard frizzed about his face.
I giggled. “Need some help?”
“Just straighten me out already!” He flapped his sleeves and a few mothball charms fell out.
“But Smorloc, you look acceptable.” I mimicked his gruff voice. I flicked a hot violet Spark out of my fingertips, intending to dewrinkle his cloak, but I shook so hard with laughter the bolt flew wide and zapped his backside instead.
“Juniper!”
“Right, sorry.” I gave him a coy smile. “I’m happy to help out a cantankerous, warty, sensitive old curmudgeon, even if he is a fraud.”
Smorloc chased me all the way to the front gates of the palace.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Great character chemistry! I felt like I was dropped in to catch a small glimpse out of a much longer narrative. Also, love the line about the gryphon.
Thanks so much! I’ve had these characters in mind for quite some time, so it was fun to explore their dynamic together. And there is a lot more I could explore with them for sure. Thanks for reading!
Nailed it! Hope there will be more with these charming characters! “Old Smores”, the only wizard who can’t do magic? I want to know why he got invited to the palace, too!
*sly grin* Oh I certainly have ideas for these two! Glad you enjoyed it!!
The lighthearted world and characters are absolutely delightful. I enjoyed this story.
I love it!! Hysterical and extremely clever!
The idea of a paying one’s tolls in locks of hair and bowling trolls off their bridge made this a delight to read. Solid description, too!
Great story and very punny to boot. Loved the characters!
Great story! It had a fantastic Fantasy feel and I loved how you wove in info on the world and characters.