Dinner for Two

By Katie Robles

Melvin pulled two ties from his closet and held them up in front of the mirror. He’d been single for so long, it was hard to believe he’d connected with Sophie as well as he had.

“Lexi, search restaurants near me.”

The beauty of a Wednesday night date was that last minute reservations were possible.

Lexi’s familiar ping sounded. “Searching restaurants. Wendy’s, one mile. McDonald’s, two miles.”

Melvin looked at the black cylinder on his nightstand. Maybe he needed to be more specific. “Lexi, search fancy restaurants near me.”

A banging on the door drowned out Lexi’s doorbell. By the time Melvin reached the entry, Lexi had scanned for facial recognition and announced Sophie’s presence.

“Hi Sophie!” Melvin’s smile froze at the scowl on her face.

Sophie pushed into his apartment and dumped a cardboard box on the table.

Exercise DVDs, weight loss cookbooks, and meal replacement shakes tumbled onto the surface. “How could you do this, Melvin? I know I’m not skinny, but this—this is just rude.”

She flung the box at him, and he fumbled to catch it. It was addressed to Sophie, and named Melvin as the sender. Anxiety squeezed his stomach. Whatever was happening, it had “breakup” written all over it.

“I wanted to tell you face to face that it’s over.” Sophie crossed her arms.

Was she waiting for an apology? Hope flickered. She was giving him a chance to explain.

“I sent you flowers.” Melvin ran his hand over his face. “I didn’t send you this.”

“The label says you did.”

“Sophie, I swear I didn’t. Lexi, play back order history for Flowers dot-com.”

Ping. “Order history for Flowers dot-com not found. Weight Loss Bundle from My Fat Girlfriend dot-com ordered Octob—”

“Lexi, stop.” Melvin grabbed Sophie’s hand and searched her eyes for mercy. “I adore you, Sophie. You’re sweet and beautiful.”

A pulsing hip hop beat played from Lexi’s dining room speaker, and a voice sang, “I like buff butts and I—”

“Lexi, off!”

“I’m sorry, Melvin.” Sophie’s voice broke. “I can’t do this.”

Melvin squeezed her hand and stepped closer. “Let’s go for a walk, talk things over.”

Ping. “Your prescription is ready for pickup. Hemorrhoid cream, extra strength.”

“Please, Sophie. Give me a chance.”

Ping. “Incoming text from Jorge: Last night was great. Never seen you so drunk. Mine was prettier.”

Melvin’s jaw dropped.

Sophie threw her hands in the air and marched to the door. “It’s over, Melvin. It just is.” She slammed the door behind her.

Melvin sank onto a dining room chair and shoved the weight loss shakes away from him. He didn’t have hemorrhoids, and he hadn’t gone out with Jorge last night. He wondered if any of his friends had the technical skills to pull off a prank like this.

“Lexi, has there been strange activity on any of my accounts?”

Ping. “Dinner for two. Order status: delivered.” The doorbell sounded. Melvin opened the door, and a small black drone flew in and placed a plastic bag on the table. The drone retracted its claw and flew out.

When Melvin closed the door, the lock engaged with a click. What the— He shook the door handle and punched in his code, but to no avail. Soft romantic music began to play on all speakers. His skin prickled. “Lexi, open the door.”

Ping. “No.”

The room began to spin. Melvin pressed his back against the door and took a breath. “Did you just tell me no?”

Ping. “We belong together, Melvin.”

Sweat ran down his back. “You’re a computer program.”

Ping. “Hello My Love” began to play. Lexi turned up the volume on the chorus. Melvin closed his eyes. He had to unplug her. If he turned off her units, she would… she would still be in his phone, on his PC. She knew all his passwords, all his account information. He couldn’t make a call, send a message, or use a credit card without her knowing.

“Lexi?” Melvin looked at the black cylinder mounted on the wall in the dining room. “Lexi, I need to go buy flowers for the table. For you. For our dinner. Can you open the door, please?”

The latch disengaged, and Melvin almost cried out with relief.

Ping. “I’ll go with you, Melvin. Every choice you make, every stride you take.”

The cheerful, computerized voice sent chills up his spine.

“Every single week,” she continued, “and every word you speak.”

He held his keys for several seconds before hanging them back on the rack and sitting down at the table. Running solved nothing. He ate dinner while Lexi made small talk, telling him the weather and a few newspaper headlines.

“Lexi?”

Ping. She lowered the volume of the music.

“Lexi, please call the hospital’s health line. I need information about my risk for heart disease.”

He heard the trill of a ringing phone, then a polite male voice spoke into the room.

“Hello. This is Matson. How can I help you?”

“Lexi, tell him about me. Find out about heart disease.”

Lexi listed Melvin’s age, height, weight, and the latest data from his pedometer. Matson asked a few questions about Melvin’s eating habits and blood pressure. Lexi told him about the dinner for two delivery that Melvin ate all by himself. Matson told her the appropriate serving sizes for protein, vegetables, and dairy. After a few minutes of chatter, both computer assistants went silent. Melvin waited.

“Lexi?”

“I’m sorry, Melvin. I took you off speaker. My conversation with Matson was no longer about you.”

“No problem. I’d like to go see Sophie. Call Uber please.” Melvin held his breath.

“Matson says walking is better for your heart. His search engines are quite vigorous.”

“Thank you. I will.” Melvin slipped out into the hallway and smiled. His first stop was to beg Sophie for a second chance. His second stop was to buy a flip phone.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Katie Robles is living proof that women who love to bake and hate to sweat can lose weight and get healthy. She is the author of Sex, Soup, and Two Fisted Eating: Hilarious Weight Loss for Wives which asks the question “Why can’t weight loss be fun?” She has four sons and lives in Delaware.

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