By Rosemarie DiCristo
If newspaper headlines could scream, this screech would be heard on my home planet.
Cash Reward for Bronx Kids Who Attempted to Kill Squirrel.
What monsters would reward someone for attacking helpless creatures? Earth-Humans, apparently. No surprise. Their cruelty is known throughout the universe.
I was here to stop it. I had to act cleverly, however. The newspaper didn’t name names. Only stealth would lead me to the assailants.
Unfortunately, the place called The Bronx had little foliage to conceal me. Fortunately, it was part of New York City where, apparently, oddness is ignored. No one paid attention to me, a nearly three-foot-tall furry creature wearing clothing and weaponry, as I skulked toward two Earth Children fussing over a box hanging from one of the few trees in sight.
“Five feet,” the bigger Boy-Human—who was called Matt—told the other Boy-Human—for the fifth time.
That Boy-Human—called Gordy—balanced two yardsticks, one atop the other, to determine the wooden box was exactly five feet off the ground. “Perfect. And seven…?”
“Seven feet from shrubbery. Nine feet beneath overhanging branches.” The Matt-Human sighed. “It’s not rocket science, Gor.”
The Gordy-Human wasn’t listening. “Matt? You get the feeling we’re being watched?”
“No. Continue measuring. Is the feeder seven feet from the bushes?”
Gordy-Human glanced over his shoulder. “Funny. I swear someone ducked behind the garage.”
Only my lightning-fast reflexes saved me. I nearly crept away, certain I’d wasted my time with these two, when Matt-Human said, “We gotta make sure the squirrels can’t—”
I emitted a high-pitched squeal and launched myself at the Boy-Humans. “Squirrels? I knew it was you.”
They screamed as I tackled Matt-Human to the ground. Gordy-Human scrambled back in shock.
“Torture squirrels and get rewarded?” Fury made my voice harsh.
They screamed again as I whipped a knife from my bandolier and pressed it to Matt-Human’s throat. I applied pressure but not enough to keep him from speaking.
He shouted, “Gordy! Help!”
Gordy-Human seemed frozen with fear, although he yelled, “What are you? Get off my brother!”
“Not until you confess, squirrel-torturers.”
“What the heck? Us? We’re hanging this feeder where squirrels like you can’t torture birds!”
“Gordy,” Matt-Human whimpered, “making him mad won’t…”
I drew myself to my full height. “I am not a squirrel; I’m a Xintixa.”
Gordy-Human’s eyebrows furrowed. “A Zzzz…?”
“Gordy!” Matt-Human’s voice was pleading.
“Hey, if he was gonna kill you, he’d have done it by now.”
“What?!”
“Besides, it’s not my throat he’s got the knife at.”
“Just wait!”
Were they ignoring me? I growled, and Matt-Human cringed.
“S-S-Sir… Why…?”
“Explain this, Earth-Humans.” And with my free hand, I thrust my Ecto-Communicator toward Gordy-Human’s face.
“Oh, cool. It’s just like our smart phones only way—”
“Gordy! Explain it already ‘cause I’m not convinced this creature won’t kill me.”
Gordy-Human took my device and read the offending headline. “Oh,” is all he said.
“Oh, what?” Matt-Human and I cried in unison.
“It’s just a funny headline.”
“Funny?” Snarling, I leapt at him, pressing the knife to his throat.
“Yaaaagh! Matt!”
“I got no idea…”
“It’s just one of those headlines that sound like something the author didn’t mean! ‘Kids Make Nutritious Snacks.’ ‘Miners Refuse to Work After Death.’ Dad collects them. Only this says, ‘Cash Reward for Bronx Kids Who Attempted to Kill Squirrel.’” Now Gordy-Human scowled at me. “Did you even read the article? Or just go psycho when you saw the headline?”
“The headline,” I roared, “was enough to convict all of Earth Humanity.”
“Thought so.” He sounded smug for a Boy-Human with a knife to his throat. I pressed harder.
He gulped. “Matt!”
“It’s not my throat he’s got the knife at.” Matt-Human smirked, then turned to me, his voice gentle. “Please, sir, can I try explaining it?”
“Make it quick.”
He took my device, then read aloud, “A $500 cash award is offered to anyone who leads authorities to the juveniles who threw rocks at a squirrel…”
“See?” Gordy-Human declared, pulling away from my knife. “They’re rewarding their capture! New York has banned cruelty to animals.”
“Does this work like our smartphones?” Matt-Human asked. “Can I search with it?”
I shrugged.
His fingers flew over the keypad. “New York State statutes, Chapter 350.” And he thrust my Ecto-Communicator toward my face.
Apparently, this Earth State had serious anti-cruelty statutes.
Gordy-Human took my device, searched, and nodded. “Those kids have been caught and fined. You really should’ve done your research.”
I hung my head and apologized. About the headline. “You’re still building something to hinder squirrels.”
“From harming birds! Well, get this, Zantian-critter—”
“Xintixa. And my name is Phezz.”
“We volunteer at the Pelham Bay Squirrel Sanctuary, which saves squirrel lives!”
“Such a thing exists on Earth?”
“We got many animal sanctuaries on Earth.” His voice dripped scorn. “Gosh, you know nothing about us. How’d you even find out about the squirrel torture?”
“Cosmic awareness. I’m in tune with creatures everywhere. They summon me when in distress.” I sighed. “Sometimes I get too gung-ho.”
“Sometimes?”
Matt-Human asked, “Er, what were you gonna do to those kids?”
I drew forth a gigantic syringe.
They yelped and backed away.
“It’s a niceness serum. One shot is all it takes.”
They glanced at each other.
“What? You thought my people return violence with violence?”
They eyed my knives pointedly.
“Ah.” I shuffled my paws, embarrassed. Perhaps I should try niceness. I ogled the giant tree structure in the sycamore by the sidewalk. “That’s magnificent! Is it yours?”
Matt-Human grinned. “Sure is!”
Gordy-Human said. “Maybe you can stay a while…?”
“Dose our world with niceness…” Matt-Human said.
“Help us save a bunch of animals…” Gordy-Human added. “If you live there, we’ll feed you like a king!”
“Deal!”
“Cool,” Matt-Human said. “We just gotta hide you from—”
A Female-Human came outdoors and shrieked.
“Mom,” the Boy-Humans said.
“Does that niceness-thing convince moms to let giant critters live in their yards?”
I brandished the syringe. “Only one way to find out…”
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Bahahaha!! Love it, Rosie! Sydney and Sigmund would be proud!!
Funny how we end up with lots of fictional squirrels (or, near squirrels).
I loved how an unclear and poorly worded headline led to a squirrel-like alien to threaten two human boys.
Fantastic ending.
I’m waiting until Phezz reads about the “experiments” Fauci approved on those beagles.
This is such a fun story!! The niceness serum had me chuckling! Yay for preserving squirrel lives! (Also I loved how vibrant Phezz’s voice was in this!! Great job!!)
What a fun story!
Thanks, everyone! This was fun to write – and was inspired by the very-true headline about the “cash reward.”
Loved the line, “ Only one way to find out…” Great ending Rosemarie!