By John Leatherman
In an elevated section of the amphitheater reserved for foreign dignitaries, Sparksworth, Duke of Spauldingshire, watched the opening ceremonies of Ulteria’s annual Festival of the Roses while struggling to resist the urge to chew his fingernails over the true purpose of his visit.
On stage, brilliantly painted marionettes danced before the scenery, acting out a battle narrated by petite blonde Princess Yolanda at the microphone. “… but while the army fled, Sir Ernest the Earliest confronted the Golden Dragon with his fearsome cutlass. The villagers of Ulteria cheered and sang a glorious hymn, which I’m sure you all know…”
As a choir and brass band launched into the puppet-accompanied Ulterian national anthem, Spark eyed his seatmate and cohort in this so-called goodwill mission, his second cousin, Walter, Earl of Bottlinghamton. Why wasn’t King Reginald here? Collectively, Spark and Walter were thirty-ninth in line to the throne of Portentia—but the only bachelor royals on the continent.
And what of Princess Yolanda, repeatedly gazing this way during the musical interlude? Ulteria law required that by her twenty-fourth birthday, only weeks away, she must choose a husband of noble blood.
Tasting a trickle of his own blood, Spark yanked his hand from his mouth and accepted the facts. He and Walter weren’t here as diplomats but as suitors. Marriage never interested free-spirited Spark before, but this one would make him the direct heir to a throne—and might finally square his gambling debts.
The song ended, the audience clapped, and Princess Yolanda continued.
“Sir Ernest forced the Golden Dragon deeper into the catacombs, far below this very ground, even as an avalanche cut off all means of escape. He was never seen again, but his noble sacrifice has blessed Ulteria to this day with bountiful harvests year after year.
“Legend says that while his body decayed, his golden heart grew—and became actual gold.” Yolanda spread her arms wide. “You can see the evidence when you visit our palace grounds, in the lovely golden roses that we celebrate today.”
With a curtsy to the applause, Yolanda cast another smile toward her foreign guests. Surely it was for Spark’s brown curls and muscular physique, not for Walter’s stringy blond locks and lanky frame. Still, Spark needed more assurance.
***
At a private dinner in the great hall of the palace, Princess Yolanda sat at one end of the exquisitely carved oaken table, with Walter and Spark at the adjacent corners.
Yolanda turned toward Spark, blue eyes shimmering. “What do you do for fun in Portentia?”
Spark shrugged. How could he hype himself without revealing too much? “Oh, you know… fencing.”
“Fascinating.” Yolanda chuckled. “Assuming you mean with swords, not stolen goods.”
Spark smirked. “Always important to clarify.” Could be both when you’re pulling a side job with pirates. “But I shouldn’t be dominating the conversation.” Below the table, he reached into his doublet for the pellet that would secure his advantage while shifting his gaze to his cousin. “Walter, didn’t you have an interesting grouse hunting story to share?”
Walter winced. “Uh… I don’t think I have any interesting ones.”
“Sure you do. Remember the time your bowstring broke?”
“Oh, yeah.” Squirming, Walter fumbled for words. “Okay, well, my bowstring broke—he said that—and I looked for a replacement…”
With Yolanda focused on Walter and Walter focused on demonstrating on how un-regally he could speak, Spark flicked a hand across the table and slipped the pellet into Walter’s chalice. The apothecary said it would take about four hours to work.
***
In the island of twilight illumined by his lantern amid the ocean of midnight darkness, Spark heaved another shovelful of soil from the rose garden.
A shadowy figure drifted into the dim amber glow. “Cousin?”
Spark planted his shovel upright in the first row of uprooted roses. “Ah, Walter! Praise Portentia, you can follow instructions. Did you bring my note?”
Walter gasped and gesticulated. “What in the name of Reginald are you doing? Surely you know that dragon story is just a myth—there’s no gold down there!”
Smoothing his hair, Spark remained calm. “Of course I know that. So I can’t believe you would dig up Princess Yolanda’s precious rose garden trying to find it.”
“You can’t believe I would…?” Fumbling for words, Walter pulled out Spark’s note. “But you wrote… uh… I mean, I saw…”
Spark grinned. Fatigue and disorientation, just as the apothecary promised. “You can see strange things in the night, Walter, but I assure you I just happened by.” He snatched the evidence and tossed it into the lantern’s flame. “I’m shocked you would defame our nation this way.”
Eyelids drooping, Walter stammered. “But you… I…” He flopped into the shallow ditch. Though he flailed and struggled, he succeeded only in besmirching his doublet with incriminating smudges before succumbing to the drug’s full effects. He’d dismiss this exchange as a dream, if he remembered it at all.
Spark laid the shovel alongside the unconscious body and wrapped Walter’s fingers around its handle. “Sleep well, dear cousin. After they find you, I’m sure to be this nation’s new king-in-law-in-waiting.” Spark paused. “Or is it king-in-waiting-in-law?” He laughed. “I don’t know what they’ll call me—but I know what they’ll call you!”
***
Trumpets blew fanfares as Princess Yolanda took the podium outside Ulteria’s palace to introduce her betrothed. Throngs in the courtyard cheered and raised makeshift banners praising the new royal couple, Princess Yolanda and Prince Walter.
As lighthearted commentators debated the merits of “Yolter” versus “Waltanda,” Spark watched the celebration on the HDTV screen through the bars of the holding area of the palace security office. King Reginald’s envoy should arrive to bail him out any day now.
Why did he ever want to be king of this backwater country, anyway? The only motion-sensitive security cameras in the whole palace guard roses?
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Spark dodged a bullet. It could be been the awful choice between “Spanda” and “Yolark”
8D
Really, it’s Scylla and Charybdis
Spark, will you ever learn?
I love the way you played Spark’s character! Always ending up in jail!
Sparksworth, Duke of Spauldingshire? Hahaha….
Hilarious!! And I’m sorry to say that to poor old Spark, but I’m glad he didn’t get away with his scheme!