By Ani Birch
“What are you doing?” whispers Joe.
“Sleeping. Until you kicked me.”
“You’re a messed up sleeper, then.”
“Huh?”
“You keep playing footsie and stuff.”
“Gross. I’d never play footsie with a dude. Go back to sleep.”
“What kind of socks are you wearing?”
“Socks? Are you stoned? It’s like forty degrees in here. I’m not even in my sleeping bag.”
***
“You’re poking me with your toe again. Knock it off!”
“First off, my feet are nowhere near yours. Secondly, if you don’t shut up, you’re going to wake up the entire camp.”
“So, you’re not wiggling your hairy toe on me right now?”
“Joe, you are seriously disturbed. I’m thirteen years old. What thirteen-year-old has hairy toes? Go back to sleep.”
***
“Oh my gosh. Evan?”
“What?”
“There’s something in my sleeping bag.”
“Something?”
“Yeah, and it’s hairy and stuff.”
“Hairy? Gosh, Joe. That’s not something I want to hear from a guy I’m sharing a tent with.”
“Evan, that’s not what I mean. There’s a mouse or something in my sleeping bag. What do I do?”
“Um—maybe get out of the bag?”
“It’s inside my shirt, and it’s all scratchy and stuff.”
“What? Get that thing out of there. You’re going to get some kind of disease from it, like the plague.”
“The plague? You can’t get the plague from mice nowadays, especially in North America.”
“Says the kid with a mouse in his pants. I hope it doesn’t bite anything off.”
“It’s not in my pants, it’s up by the collar of my shirt.”
“Why are you just lying there with a mouse crawling on you? Are your arms broken? Get rid of it.”
“I want to, but I need a second to hatch out a plan.”
“Why do you need a plan? Just get rid of it!”
“I don’t want to sweep it away, or it’ll get lost in our bags and stuff. I’m going to carefully get to my knees and crawl toward the door. Then I can knock it outside.”
“That’s your plan?”
“Do you want it crawling on you later?”
“Well—that would be a hard no. Let me get the zipper on the door.”
“Thanks.”
“Dude, it’s on your face.”
“Uh-huh,” Joe mumbles through closed lips.
“Don’t open your mouth, Joe. It looks like you have a mustache.”
“Hh-hu-ha-hha.”
“What?”
“Hh-hu-ha-hha!”
“What, Joe?”
“Open the flipping door, Evan!”
“It fell in the side of your mouth, Joe. You’re totally getting the plague.”
“PPPPPTTTT.”
“That was disgusting.”
“My mouth tastes like dirt.”
“Do you think the plague tasted like dirt? Maybe don’t sleep near my head. I don’t want to catch anything.”
“You can’t catch the plague from a mouse in Massachusetts.”
“How can you know that for sure?”
“I just do. Quit jabbering and zip the door up. It’s going to get back in here and stuff.”
“Oh, yeah. Sorry. That was the most messed up thing I’ve ever seen.”
“That was nothing. You should’ve seen the time the crows came through our chimney. Now, that was messed up. It was like a Hitchcock movie. I still haven’t recovered.”
“It was halfway in your mouth, though. Maybe you should gargle with mouthwash or something.”
“Let’s just get to bed. We’ve got a long day of paddling and stuff tomorrow. I don’t want to hold anyone back. We’ve gotta get to Bird Island by three.”
“Okay. You’re sure you’re fine?”
“I’ll be okay on the island. I’m sure it’s not named after crows.”
“I meant the mouse, Joe.”
“Oh—that. I’m fine. Let’s just get some shut eye.”
“Shut eye? Okay ol’ man. Let’s get some shut eye.”
***
“Evan.”
“Uh-huh.”
“My mouth’s itchy.”
“Itchy?”
“Yeah. My throat too. Maybe I do have the plague.”
“Nah. The mouse could’ve given you poison ivy. There’s a lot of it out here. I’d suggest you don’t breathe too deeply, just in case.”
“Why not?”
“If it’s poison ivy, you’ll get it in your lungs.”
“Shoot. Do you think there’s any jewelweed around here?”
“Huh?”
“You know, that little orange flower that looks like a girly trumpet.”
“No. I’ve never seen a little orange flower that looks like a girly trumpet.”
“Shoot. Too bad.”
“Why?”
“It cures poison ivy.”
“Wouldn’t you need to inhale it if it’s in your throat?”
“Sure. I’d roll it up and smoke it.”
“I don’t think it works that way, plus we’re not allowed to smoke out here.”
“Oh, yeah.”
“Goodnight, Joe.”
“Night.”
***
“Evan?”
“Now what?”
“I can’t figure out a way to sleep without breathing deeply.”
“Leave me alone, Joe.”
“Okay. Goodnight.”
“Night.”
***
“Hey, Joe. How’re you feeling?”
“Right as rain, brother. It’s a beautiful day for paddling.”
“What’s with the oatmeal?”
“Huh?”
“You’re on your third portion.”
“I couldn’t find any jewelweed. Mr. Reimer says oatmeal’s good for poison ivy and stuff.”
“Oh, yeah? I’m pretty sure your supposed to bathe in it, not eat it.”
“I know, Evan. It’s for my itchy throat. He also gave me menthol rub for my lungs.”
“Is the oatmeal working?”
“Nope—but it’s delicious.”
“O—K.”
“Ready to go?”
“Uh-huh. Are you sure you are?”
“Of course! Grab your bag. The tent and paddles are already in the canoe.”
“You’re sure you’re okay?”
“YES! Come on, Evan! Get moving! I want to beat everyone to Bird Island.”
“Okay, let’s go.”
***
“Hey, Joe? What’s that in the front of the canoe?”
“It’s an owl.”
“Why is there an owl in the canoe?”
“I carved it this morning.”
“When did you have time to carve an owl, or a better question is why did you carve an owl?”
“It’s a safety precaution and stuff.”
“Safety from what?”
“Crows, of course. We are going to Bird Island. Come on, Evan. Quit your jabbering. I want to win. Three-two-one, go!”
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Fun! And I’m always a fan of a good Hitchcock reference!
Thanks!
I love Hitchcock. I normally write fantasy or dystopia but this odd idea popped up so I thought why not? ;)
This is why I don’t sleep in a tent!!! Well written, fun and engaging short story!
haha! So funny!
I like the fast pace of the story and how it is all told through dialogue!
Thanks! :)
Truly enjoyed the suspense throughout.
Thanks! :D
Clever, to tell a story completely in dialogue!
Thanks! I love writing dialogue so thought this was the silly piece to use it. :)
Camus made plague sound awful. But you make it sound fun!
haha!!
Great story! I love how you told it entirely through dialogue, but a mouse in his mouth really grossed me out 🤢
Loved the humor!
It grossed me out too. I’ve been writing for Middle Grade lately so have very odd ideas now and then. ;)
Great way to tell it through dialogue! I once knew a guy who, no joke, was getting a treatment for a sore throat from shaman and they dangled a mouse over his mouth to summon out the evil spirit… and they accidentally dropped it in. This reminds me of that.
Oh my!! The mouse in mouth would be a nightmare for me. ;)
Funny and clever! I like finding out how one of poor Joe’s many mishaps happened.
Thanks! :)