By Rachel Dib
I studied the young gnome slouching in the chair before me and forced myself to keep a straight face. Today, Tilli had come dressed as a mushroom. A large dome-shaped hat hid all but a few pink wisps of her hair.
This should be interesting. I adjusted my glasses. “How can I help you today, Tilli?”
The gnome scowled. The mushroom cap slipped in front of her eyes. She pushed it back up. “Isn’t it obvious?”
If only. “I don’t read minds, Tilli. May I assume your trouble has to do with why you’re dressed as a mushroom?”
She shrugged.
“Is your outfit part of a gnomish custom or…”
She lifted her chin and glowered at me. “It’s October 15. A better question, Doctor Miranda, is why aren’t you dressed like a mushroom?”
“Sorry?”
Tilli rolled her eyes. “It’s National Mushroom Day.”
I nodded slowly. “I see.”
“You humans always forget the important holidays.” She threw up her hands. “You’re happy to dress up like ghoulish fantasy creatures but completely forget about the living, breathing mushroom growing right outside your door!”
I had no response to that, so I remained silent. Questions weren’t helping anyway. Better to wait until she’s ready to share.
Eventually, Tilli let out a humph. “No one wants to go to the mushroom festival with me tonight.”
Despite the gnome’s forlorn state, a twinge of glee rose in my chest. It’s a normal problem!
“Coilin isn’t going?” I probed, wondering if they were still together. The two had a rather intriguing relationship.
“He’s staying home.” Tilli crossed her arms. “Claims dressing up like a mushroom gives him flashbacks to when I turned him into one during our rough patch.”
“Understandable.” I pursed my lips, remembering the mishap. “What about a friend?”
Tilli groaned and let her head roll back on her shoulders. “Luci was my only real friend, and she’s still mad at me for stealing Coilin back.”
“And there’s no one else?”
“There’s my younger sister, Klari. But she’s only in her third decade and still acts like a baby. Annoying.”
Third decade! I eyed the gnome curiously. If her younger sister was still babyish at thirty, just how old was Tilli? Is it rude to ask?
She tugged at a stray hair peeking out beneath her mushroom cap, her gaze trained blankly on something atop my desk.
Probably. I released a quiet sigh. “Then I suppose you only have three choices.”
Tilli perked up, straightening in her chair.
I ticked the options off on my fingers. “You can stay home from the festival.”
Tilli scrunched up her nose.
“You can go to the festival alone.”
She crossed her arms and glared at me.
“Or, you can try to mend your relationship with Luci and go together.”
“Mend my relationship?” Tilli’s gaze narrowed. “It’s not my fault we’re not friends anymore. She stole my boyfriend, got mad when I won him back, and has spent the last year attempting to transform me into various insects. Why should I be the one to mend our relationship?”
Fair point. Doubt the “bigger gnome” speech will work in this case.
Lacing my fingers together, I rested my elbows atop my desk. “It sounds like you have pent-up anger toward Luci. Would you like to discuss ways to—”
“No thanks.” Tilli picked something off her trouser leg and flicked it away. “I only need someone to accompany me to the mushroom festival.” She peeked at me from behind her lashes. “I… was hoping you’d come. I’d just shrink you a bit for the occasion.”
Nope! I plastered on a regretful smile. “Sorry, I have to keep patient relationships strictly professional. Office policy.”
“Oh.” Tilli’s shoulders slumped.
“I suggest you sit down and talk with your friend. You could even bring her here. We could—”
“Ugh! What is with you and talking about things?” She started to hunch back down in her seat, but paused, her expression suddenly thoughtful. “I fixed my relationship with Coilin by turning him into a mushroom. Maybe I can do the same with Luci.”
“No, that’s not—”
“It’ll prove I’m better than her at sneak attacks and give her a chance to rethink seeking revenge!”
I waved a hand. “No. That is definitely not the correct solution.”
Tilli nodded absently. “You’re right. Luci can’t go to the mushroom festival as a mushroom. She might get eaten. Can’t risk that again. A woodchuck would be better. Oh! Or a woodpecker so she can fly around and check which lines are the shortest.”
I squeezed my eyes shut. Remember, she’s a gnome.
“Do you have a headache?” Tilli asked. “I know a great antidote. Just crush an owl pellet with some horseradish and—”
I redirected the conversation. “Tilli, if you turn Luci into an animal, do you think she’ll want to go to the mushroom festival with you?”
“Why wouldn’t she?”
“You’re upset she’s been trying to transform you into an insect. Might she feel resentful if you did something similar?”
Tilli’s expression grew sheepish. “Maybe, but…”
I raised an eyebrow.
She switched tactics. “It would still teach her a lesson.”
“And how would that fix your relationship?”
Tilli averted her gaze.
“What if you gave her a gift?” I suggested. “Show you still value her friendship.”
“You mean like pickled herring pudding?”
My stomach twisted in disgust. I swallowed. “If that’s… something she enjoys.”
“It’s her favorite.” Tilli traced a finger over a crack in the chair. “We used to make it together.”
“Then it sounds perfect.”
With an annoyed grumble, Tilli stood. “Fine. I’ll try it your way.” She pointed a finger at me. “But if you’re wrong, I’m turning her into a wombat. She may hate me, but at least she’ll be cute and fluffy.”
“Until next time, Tilli.” I smiled pleasantly as she left. When the door closed, I opened my desk, selected a Butterfinger from my “I need a happy moment” stash, and sighed. “Until next time.”
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
“Can’t risk that again” had me laughing. Charming story.
Thank you 😊 I’m glad you enjoyed it!
I laughed so hard!
Also, I had the same thoughts as the doctor over the pickled herring pudding….
Always happy to provide a laugh! Glad you enjoyed the story!
Oh, I love this! Just got my own “I need a happy moment” stash for tough days. And what’s wrong with pickled herring pudding? Sounds delicious. Ugh 🤢 Loved the story!
Yea I assume the “happy moment” stash is probably a must in some jobs. Glad you liked the story!
“She may hate me, but at least she’ll be cute and fluffy.” Is one way to solve problems for yourself, I suppose. At the very least I put up with one of our cats in much the same way.
Nice work.
Thank you! I’m glad you enjoyed it 😊
I love it! What an intriguing, well executed idea – therapy for non-humans.
Thank you! I’m glad you enjoyed it!
She may hate me, but at least she’ll be cute and fluffy. Love it! Haha
Oh the logic of gnomes. Glad you enjoyed it!
Why would anybody hate being a wombat? I’ll take being a wombat!
Yes wombats are pretty cool. I mean, they practically have buns of steal. It doesn’t really hurt them to be attacked back there and if given the chance they crush an attacking predator with their backside. Cute and resourceful 😆
Cute story! Hope they mend the friendship- but it might be a funnier next part if Tilli turns Luci in into a wombat instead.
Lol would make for quite the spectacle at the mushroom festival, that’s for sure. Glad you liked the story!
i’m sure lots of counselors wish their patients would take direction at least that well…great story!
Thank you! I’m glad you enjoyed it!
Fun story!
Thank you! Glad you enjoyed it 😊
Tilli! So glad she’s back! Hey, I think Doctor Miranda is making some progress if Tilli is thinking about making a pudding instead =D
Maybe lol. I’m glad you liked the story!
Haha I love Tillis thought process and I need to get me one of those I need a happy moment stashes. Very fun story!