By John Leatherman
I leapt off the HareMaster and started my ear-obic workout. I needed hop-timal conditioning to win my eleventh Eggy award at the annual Easter Eggs-traordinary Eggs-treme Eggs-travagant Expo—so named because the sign printer ran out of Gs.
Midway through my bunny lifts, Mayor Badger shoved herself into my hole. “Hope you’re having a good Good Friday, Rabbit. I’ve come to talk to you about the Expo.”
“Oh, is that still happening tomorrow? I’d forgotten all about it.” I paused mid-stretch to glance at my bookshelf and admire my reflection in the golden glow of my ten previous Eggys.
Mayor Badger gestured toward the trophies. “I can’t help but notice you’re running out of room for your Eggys.”
I flexed my rab-dominals. “Yup, after this Expo, I’ll need a new shelf. I’ll have to hire Beaver to build it. And Woodpecker to engrave it. And Armadillo to varnish it. Mayor Badger, you really know how to stimulate the economy. Maybe someday we’ll be able to afford real, non-species names!”
“Yes, that would be nice, but…” She sighed. “Since you started racing, the Eggy isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Nobody wants to race against you anymore. Do you really need another Eggy to prove you’re fast? Maybe you could take this year off and let some other animal win. You know, in the spirit of giving. For Easter.”
“Christmas is about giving. So shouldn’t Easter be about getting?”
“Uh, theoretically, but…” Mayor Badger stammered. “What is Easter about?”
I frowned. “I don’t have time for dye-gressions, Mayor. I need to do my squattontails. Are you done badgering me?”
“Sorry, it’s kind of my thing. Just… think about it, okay?” She left, though her pleas stuck in my head.
I yearned for EGOT status, but would my winning an Eggy Gotten Over Ten represent the true spirit of Easter?
And what was Easter about, anyway? Shouldn’t a rabbit know?
As I restarted my carrot-ovascular routine, I pondered. Maybe that was the true meaning of Easter—starting over. Rebirth. Coming back.
And that was exactly what I would do—come back and win another Eggy!
***
The next day, as I sprinted to the starting line, the other contestants quivered.
Chipmunk winced. “He’s racing again? Nuts!”
Skunk frowned. “This stinks.”
Stag shook his antlers. “Deer me.”
Bear growled. “First my porridge, now this.”
Smirking, I bounded past them and took my mark.
The starting pistol popped, and I charged away. Soon I’d left the competition too far behind to see—even with my bunny-bunny vision.
Breezing past the fourth or fifth checkpoint, I entered a forest clearing and slowed enough to notice a sheep struggling to pull its rear hoof from a hole.
I had a few more checkpoints to hit, but I was far enough ahead that I could stop and get him out of there—in the spirit of helping. Maybe that was what Easter was about.
Approaching, I shouted, “Stop pulling, Sheep! It’ll cave in!”
He stared at me, confused.
I smiled. “You’re lucky I came along, Sheep, because I know holes. The only way out is to get pushed from below!” I dug an alternate entrance, found his surprisingly sharp hoof, and pushed it out. “There you go, Sheep.”
He huffed. “Why do you keep calling me Sheep?”
I peered up from the hole. “That’s your name, isn’t it?”
He puffed. “Oh—uh, yeah, it is. But, see, there’s a lot of Sheeps in my family. It’s a baad, baad problem. So, I go by, uh, Not-Wolf.”
“Well, Not-Wolf, you should get those hooves clipped.”
“Okay, after my baath.”
A pig tooled past with a wheelbarrow full of straw.
Not-Wolf sniffed. “And some baack bacon.”
He ran after the pig. “Hey, Hay Pig, could I come in for dinner?” A branch caught his wool, which unraveled to reveal gray fur underneath.
Oops. Maybe Not-Wolf was not Not-wolf.
Whatever the true meaning of Easter was, what I just did probably wasn’t part of it. I leapt out of the hole and charged back to the racecourse.
***
Waving in the spring breeze, the checkered tape stretched unbroken over the finish line. I could still win! I accelerated toward the finish.
As I ripped through, though, monitor Raccoon shouted, “Rabbit skipped the last checkpoint!”
“I did?” My jaw dropped. How could that have happened? For certain reasons, I might not have been paying attention.
The crowd gasped. I held up a paw. “Hold on. Everybody stay where you are.” I raced back to the checkpoint, then returned to the finish line—still first. “There.”
The official race judge hissed his displeasure. “Doesn’t matter. You were already disqualified for an invalid finish.” What a weasel.
Figuratively, of course. He was actually a snake.
Reporter Goose thrust her mic at me. “Well, Rabbit, that was quite an upset. And so close to an EGOT. How could you make such a mistake?”
“Uh…” Not-Wolf? Best not. I grimaced. “I don’t know, Goose. Guess I just fell asleep out there.”
I shuffled home, knowing the humiliation had just started. Goose had a nest of eggs ready to hatch. The new mother Goose would tell her goslings that I’d slept away my victory. And since we could only have one Goose in this forest, they’d all move somewhere else and take that story with them.
The worst part would be who would win instead. See, when I showed, most of the other racers simply conceded. The Eggy would go to the one animal who didn’t know I was racing because he was late—Turtle.
But I guess I found the true meaning of Easter—sacrifice. In trying to help someone, I sacrificed my EGOT so someone else could win. Eventually.
For the rest of you, though, Easter will be about patience. Did I mention the Eggy winner gets to deliver all the baskets on Easter morning?
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
very punny…
Glad you liked it! Happy Easter!
Hilarious! I loved the punchline at the end! And the theme of sacrifice was very appropriate.
Thank you! Happy Easter!
So sweet! I love all the puns and the fresh take on the Tortoise and the Hare!
So glad you enjoyed it!
Very fun – a thread of truth woven into a witty tail ;)
THE END MADE THIS!! 🤣
The puns were starting to get to me, and then the retelling appeared… good job!
John you know I love your writing style. I had a few good laughs but in the middle the puns were getting to me–kind of forced. Not that they weren’t good it was just too many. I thought that the first paragraph also had a few too many puns to set the stage of what you were trying to say. The exercise part was brilliant. I loved when Easter should be a time of getting – made me laugh. Love the way you introduced the concept of sacrifice. I really enjoyed and laughed at the sheep to not-wolf to being the not-wolf. A few more lines before you go into the turtle story would help me, the reader. Only you have the mind to create this type of writing. You are truly a comedian with many one liners. What a quick mind.
John you know I love your writing style. I had a few good laughs but in the middle the puns were getting to me–kind of forced. Not that they weren’t good it was just too many. The exercise part was brilliant. I loved when Easter should be a time of getting – Love the way you introduced the concept of sacrifice. I really enjoyed the sheep to not-wolf to being the not-wolf. Suggest a few more lines before you go into the turtle story would help me, the reader. Only you have the mind to create this type of writing. You are truly a comedian with many one liners. What a quick mind.
Clever and very enjoyable!!
Thank you! Happy Eggs-tended Easter!