Memoirs of a Vampire: A Beginning

By J. M. Allison

“My name is Jean-Luc Beaufoy. I am a vampire. I am old enough that it is impolite to ask how old I am, and these are my memoirs.”

I scowl at the words illuminated on the screen. What a boring way to start a story. Informative, yet lacks pizzazz. No one is going to read it.

“Victor,” I call toward the door. I know he can hear me. Vampires have excellent hearing. “How do you make the words go away again?”

Victor whisks into the room. Why is it that young vampires can’t help showing off? Super speed here, super speed there. He reaches down over my shoulder and taps a small button in the upper corner of the contraption. The words reverse on the screen, disappearing.

Victor towers over the back of my chair and rests his chin on his hand. “Having trouble?” His voice is polite and crisp, hallmarks of his British roots, but I can see the amusement in his eyes.

“With so much material to work with, it is hard to know where to begin.” I settle into the soft, familiar leather of my wingback armchair and let my eyes wander over the comforting surroundings of my study. Perhaps inspiration will leap from the shadows like a werewolf from the bushes.

“Well, the news follows the ‘if it bleeds, it leads’ format. Perhaps that would work for you.”

I glower at him. “I’m a vampire. That criteria doesn’t narrow it down any.”

“You ask for my help and yet refuse my advice.” He gives me a long-suffering look and saunters toward the bar. “This is your project, not mine.” Victor fills a goblet from the crystal decanter and glides out of the room.

I refocus on the blank screen. Projects. I love having projects. Perhaps that’s as good a place to start as any.

“This year, my new project is to write my memoirs.”

I carefully pick out the letters to make the words appear on the screen. Too bland. Delete, delete, delete.

“Gardening is a horrible hobby for a vampire.”

It has potential. But still not quite right.

My eyes wander the room as my fingers brush nonexistent dust from the typing buttons before me.

Perhaps writing is a mistake. It wouldn’t be my first. There was the time I courted a werewolf. The time I tried indoor tanning. The time I agreed to be a summer beach lifeguard. The time I tried going vegan. The time I tried learning to surf. The time I tried coaching children’s basketball. Or the time I tried zippyflying.

I stifle a snort as that memory flashes through my brain. Perhaps…

“They say vampires can fly, that we can transform into bats. Those are false statements. I have only come close to flying once, and it was the most exhilarating and terrifying mistake of my existence. It all started with a dare.”

 I contemplate the words I have conjured onto the screen. It’s a start.

“I see you have finally found a hook.”

I jump. Didn’t he ever learn it’s impolite to enter a room without announcing yourself? There really is no excuse for the manners of this new generation.

I scowl at the man. I loathe people reading over my shoulder. Another bad habit of the young.

“Yes.” I shift the typing machine away from Victor’s prying eyes and give him my undivided attention. “And I promise you will play the villain for this particular episode.”

Victor laughs easily and seats himself on the settee across from my armchair. “I merely posed the activity, my friend,” he counters. “You are the one who made the leap.”

Zippyflying was an ill-conceived activity from the beginning. Victor saw an advertisement for the adrenaline-driven venture and was determined to inject more exciting, recreational pastimes into my life that would help me “feel more alive.”

He told me that we were going for a little hike. I do like outdoor activities, but they can be difficult to enjoy when you’re restricted by daylight hours. Like an idiot, I didn’t think to question why we needed harnesses or safety helmets for a simple hike.

After suiting up, Victor led the way up a beautifully groomed trail through the hills. We reached the crest, then proceeded up a small scaffolding clinging to a sturdy tree. He claimed it was the best scenic vantage point in the area.

He was right. The view from the top was breathtaking.

Stars winked as bright as the distant lights of the city below, and the moon illuminated the forest in a warm glow. A gentle breeze carried the scent of flowers and woodland creatures. A perfect night.

I refocus on the present to scowl at Victor. “I did not leap.”

Victor chuckles again.

“I was standing there enjoying the beautiful view, and then you shoved me out of the tree!” The ice in my tone would have given mortals frostbite, but Victor just shrugs.

“That’s what the harness was for, my friend.” Victor pauses, then tips his head to the side. “Besides, you have to admit that after you stopped shrieking and flopping about like a fish on a hook, you enjoyed zip-lining.”

My cheeks would have reddened had blood still coursed through my body. Perhaps one benefit of being a vampire is there are no tells to betray your embarrassment.

My flight was indeed a rather undignified display. Dangling from the cable, wind whipping through my hair, and with a perfect view as I soared over the hillside, I had to admit he was right. It was exhilarating.

I smile at Victor. “It was certainly an experience. And one you can read all about when you purchase a copy of my published memoirs.”

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

J. M. Allison, more commonly addressed as Lisa, or Mommommommom, grew up captivated by the magic and wonder of fairy tales. She finds daily adventure in raising four small humans, teaching musical theatre and dance, sewing, drawing, cosplaying, writing, and reading. Stories can communicate so many things, and she hopes her stories will inspire others to courageously live their own adventures or at least bring a little happiness into their humdrum lives.

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