By John Leatherman
My New Year’s resolution this January is the result of my last online hookup. It happened like this.
“So after my dad died, my stepmom started a housecleaning business with her daughters and me. I do vents and fireplaces because I’m good with cinders.” Ella smiled at me from the other side of the small round table on the patio of Blintz Upon a Grind, the coffeehouse where I like to meet dates. Behind her, the late afternoon sun sank slowly behind the grove across the street.
The waitress served our drinks, and Ella addressed me. “Now, Vince, your profile says you’re the second-in-command at your company?”
I nodded. “Yeah—my dad’s company, Castle Novelties. He’s the king of custom gifts and posters for every occasion. People find our prints charming.”
Ella perked up. “Then we’re both in a family business! We have a lot in common. Do you like to dance?”
“Well, dancing is fun and all, but…” I sighed. “I’m not very good at it. If I were going to dance in public, I’d want to be in disguise, so nobody would know it was me.”
“You mean like a costume ball! That sounds exciting.” Ella scooted her chair closer. “How do you feel about mice?”
“They’re okay.” I sipped my coffee. “But a trackball’s better. If you can’t get a touch screen.” Weird question. Who uses a mouse anymore?
Ella laughed. “Oh, no, I meant the other kind of—” Her phone chimed. “Hang on a sec.” She checked her screen, then peered over her shoulder at the sunset. Gasping, she turned back to me, eyes wide, and patted my hand. “Vince, I had so much fun talking to you, I lost track of time. I’m sorry, I’ve gotta go.”
I raised my eyebrows. “Why? What’s going on?”
“Nothing, everything’s fine. That was just a reminder from Wanda.”
“Wanda?”
“My neighbor,” Ella paused. “See, we don’t have a lot of nice things at my house.” She brushed one of her jade earrings. “This whole outfit, from these down to the glittery slippers, it’s all Wanda’s stuff. She’s, to be fair, a godmother to me. She’ll let me borrow anything, as long as I bring it back by sundown.”
Likely story… But so detailed.
I probed further. “That’s pretty soon. Can I give you a ride?”
“No, she’s sending an Uber Coach. It should be here soon.”
“Of course.” Very convenient.
Ella pushed back her chair. “So, I’ll get going, and…” She gave me a quizzical stare. “What happens now? Will you message me, or…?”
Oh, so you can ghost me? Have me expecting your response on the app forever after?
I smirked. “You know what, Ella? I told you where I work. You can call me.”
“Awesome.” She hopped up. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
I took another drink, only half looking at her. “Sure you will.”
She winced. “I’m sorry?”
Setting down my cup, I rose to meet her gaze. “Come on, Ella. We all know how this works. You have someone text you thirty minutes into the date so if you don’t like me, you can make an excuse to leave.”
Framed in the orange glow of the sinking sun, she gaped at me. “What are you talking about?”
“I get it, why waste a whole evening if it’s not going anywhere? But couldn’t you have come up with a better story than this magic Wanda?”
She crossed her arms. “It’s not a story!”
“You bet it isn’t. It’s a string of lameness.” I produced my phone. “Look, I’m gonna do a favor for you and the next guy you want to bail on.” I tapped at a hexagonal, rainbow-hued icon. “AIxcuseMe, a free, ad-supported download. Watch and learn.”
I punched in a few words. “All you do is answer some simple questions about the situation you need to get out of, and…” I hit send. The compass spun for five seconds, and several paragraphs appeared.
I skimmed the first one and smiled. “Okay, Ella, here’s a good story. You have to leave because your sister burned the porridge and broke your chair, and you can’t bear to see what she’s going to do to the beds. Brilliant, compared to yours. And there’s, like, six other options here. If you just put a little more effort into your excuses…”
I looked up from the phone. She was gone. “Ella?”
Huh. That Uber Coach must have come and left like magic.
I squinted at her cup. Would I still have to pay for the tea if she didn’t drink any?
I rounded the table for a closer look, and my shoe dragged against something—Ella’s glittery slipper. Inside the heel sat a small, green frog.
I checked the twilight purple on the horizon. The sun had set.
Swallowing hard, I fell to my knees. “You really did have to be home by sundown, didn’t you? I’m sorry I doubted you.” I picked up the slipper. “How can I make it up to you?”
The frog just croaked.
Though not familiar with amphibious languages, I gathered, based on the limited range of things an enchanted frog would want, that I had to kiss it.
I puckered and then stopped. “Hey… where are the warts? I’d like to avoid them.”
It croaked again.
“Okay, okay, I’ll kiss the warts!”
I closed my eyes and smooched the frog all over.
Did it work? I was afraid to look.
Ella’s voice called out. “Vince?”
Slowly I opened my eyes.
The frog remained in the footwear. It looked up at me, croaked, and hopped away—really fast.
Ella scowled down at me, arms akimbo, her left foot bare. “I came back for the slipper. What the freak are you doing with that frog?”
And that’s why this January I resolve to stop being a jerk.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
That last line clinched it!
Absolutely LOVED this story: made me laugh aplenty.
Thank you!
This is so fun! I loved it!
Fun twist on an old tale!
So glad you enjoyed it!
What a great story! Thanks for sharing!
You’re welcome ever after!
That was cute! Enjoyed it! 😊
Very fun story! I love how you incorporated so many fairy tales into it! 🐸