Going to Extremes

By Pamela Love

“Derek Percy handed me a challenge.” Hazel Williamson gripped the edge of her desk as she leaned toward her screen. “It’s the toughest our company’s ever faced.”

Nui grinned at his CEO. “Hazel, Earth Extreme Travel lives on challenge.” He jerked his thumb toward the advertising hologram by his X-Games trophies. “Says so, right there.”

He paused. “Wait, the World Council’s President called you personally? Does he want to go on another space walk?”

Williamson shook her head. “No, but he’s got us a new customer. You’ve heard of Ambassador Scan-Ear? The alien here on Earth to establish ties to her planet?” At Nui’s nod, she went on, “It’s her husband, Shudder-Bone. He keeps calling her to talk because he’s bored. She and Percy asked us to keep him out of their hair while they work—not that Zelmavarans have any hair—”

“Or Percy either.”

Hazel frowned. “Apparently, her husband is interested in intense experiences, which I assured both VIPs we could provide. But as far as Shudder-Bone has been concerned, we might as well have him playing in the kiddie pool.”

Nui started ticking off possibilities on his fingers. “Mount Everest.”

“At its peak, he yawned with all four mouths—on both heads—and made it clear it was with boredom, not exhaustion.”

“Robo-bronco busting?”

“He wore out the battery after an hour. He thought the ride was naptime.”

“Heli-skiing?”

“Down a triple black diamond slope I had specially constructed for him, ‘Was this supposed to be exciting?’ he asked.” Hazel rolled her eyes.

“He even parachuted from space. When he landed, our linguists were fascinated to discover that ‘Meh’ means the same thing in Zelmavaran as in English.” Hazel threw her hands in the air.

Nui leaned back in his chair and laughed. “Sounds like quite a headache for you.”

“Not just me anymore,” Ms. Williamson said through gritted teeth. “I asked Shudder-Bone if he had any suggestions. Guess what he wants to do?”

“You want me to hang ten with an extraterrestrial?” Nui reached out and ran his hand along the surfboard he’d ridden to three X-Games victories. “Sure, why not?”

“Make that hanging forty. And not just anywhere. He found a database of dangerous places to surf, and chose your hometown, Teahupo’o. He said its name means ‘Cut off one’s head’ in the Earth language Tahitian.” She winced. “Is that true?”

Nui snickered. “He’s not wrong.”

“Well, he’s only got two heads, so he thinks that sounds sufficiently risky.”

“Relax, boss, I’ve surfed around Teahupo’o for years. I can handle this.” Nui stretched. “I’ll pack my bag this afternoon.”

“Don’t bother.” Though the window over Hazel’s shoulder, an alien spacecraft rose into view. “Shudder-Bone’s ship is leaving Zurich right now. He’ll be picking you up from Jakarta in fifteen minutes. Nui, you make him happy, I’ll put you in charge of our new division specializing in extraterrestrials.”

Grabbing his lucky board, Nui saluted. “You can count on me, ma’am.”

The wave surged beneath Nui’s surfboard. He traced a path parallel to the shore of Teahupo’o. Behind him, Shudder-Bone shuffled one of his many feet.

More than seven meters high! This must be a record. Nui’s eyes sparkled as he glanced at the towering wave. Overhead—all three of them—rose the most magnificent curl Nui had ever seen, seafoam bubbling and spraying with a soundtrack like ten thousand lions roaring. Even taking Shudder-Bone out with me, this is the most exciting ride of my life.

Nui’s board darted and plunged across the water. Don’t get distracted. Focus. Planting his feet with practiced skill, he skimmed over the wave, relishing the unforgettable thrill, a ride halfway between trying to balance on a rocket and a runaway hovercraft.

This time, Shudder-Bone would have to be impressed. Right?

When they reached the beach, the alien hopped off Nui’s surfboard. His translation device buzzed, then delivered his verdict: “Humdrum.”

Humdrum! Nui’s jaw dropped. He was undefeated in every contest he’d ever entered—and coming up short with this E.T.? He snatched up his neon-orange board and stomped across the sand. Hey, you’re no quitter, Nui. Think! He slowed, allowing Shudder-Bone to catch up. “Um, would you like to come scuba diving with me? You enjoy intense experiences. Our gorgeous coral reef—”

“I tried that before contacting Earth Extreme Travel. Dull.”

Nui bit his lip. “What about firewalking?”

“How dangerous can fire be if you can walk through it? I want to feel something. How do humans endure such a bland world?” the alien complained as they headed down the beach. “President Percy said Earth Extreme Travel—Stop! Pain! Slight injury!”

Nui spun around. The alien had lifted one of his half-dozen feet, which he probed with another.

Maybe your toes are too tender for firewalking. With a smirk, the surfer picked up the cause of the trouble. “You stepped on a shark tooth.”

The alien held out one of his half-dozen hands for the tooth. “How could an ocean creature’s tooth be here on land?”

“Oh, shark teeth wash up on the beach all the time.” Nui pointed. “There’s another one. Each shark loses tens of thousands of them throughout its life. The teeth grow back.”

Shudder-Bone turned slowly around. “I see a third one—and a fourth. But most such teeth must surely remain in the sea.”

Nui shrugged. “I guess so.”

The alien stared at the tooth. “Think of all those countless chompers sloshing in the dark. Why has nobody told me about this before?” His entire body squirmed as he pulled out his comm link. “Beloved wife, I have found the most disgusting place in the galaxy! You must come wading here with me as soon as possible. Stepping in the right place will cause a wonderful twinge!”

Nui smiled. “Why don’t you invite some of your friends, too?” Division Head Nui Hauata had a wonderful ring to it…

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Pamela Love was born in New Jersey, and worked as a teacher and in marketing before becoming a writer. Her work has appeared in Havok, Page & Spine, and Luna Station Quarterly. She is the 2020 winner of the Magazine Merit Fiction Award for her story “The Fog Test”, which appeared in Cricket. She and her family live in Maryland.

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