By Julia Skinner
Coriander the Third grinned at the contraption in his hands. He’d created the greatest Dooms-Day invention this side of Gargon Ridge. He nodded proudly at the round, gleaming surface. It was the same perfect silver shade as the Fighting Evil Unit—or FEU—suits. Covering his invention with a cloth, he pushed through the front door of the villain’s Top Secret Lair.
Men and women with frazzled hair and food-stained lab coats stood about the makeshift waiting room, clutching obscure boxes and blanket-covered inventions to their chests.
“The superheroes of the FEU,” an ominous voice droned from ceiling speakers, “have protected this city for far too long.
Coriander smirked at the other wannabe evil inventors. They all hoped to be chosen as the Council Of Villains’ Head Inventor. They don’t have an iota of a chance.
After all, he was the best inventor around.
The speakers crackled in and out as a voice talked about the Council’s upcoming Dooms-Day event. “And so, at last, the great Council of Villains shall outwit the FEU and take over the world! But it cannot be done alone! Do you have an invention that could change the course of this government?”
“Coriander the Third?” the receptionist called from her drab desk at the front of the room. She jerked a hand toward the door. “The Council is ready for your presentation.”
“That’s me!” Coriander nodded politely to the others, then slipped through the massive, arched door. In the middle of the expansive room were four throne-like chairs, each occupied by an infamous villain.
“Good day!” Coriander called, fighting back a grin. He’d never seen all four of them in one place before!
Finigas, the head villain, waved a dismissive hand. “Yes, well, what have you brought to show us?”
Coriander cleared his throat. “Behold! The greatest Dooms-Day invention you will ever need!” He pulled the cloth away with a flourish. “A portable ice cream storage bowl!”
Finigas blinked. “An… ice cream bowl?”
“Naturally!” Coriander snapped his fingers. The top of the bowl retracted, revealing the beautiful vanilla ice cream inside. A thin layer of frost lined the sides of the bowl. “This bowl is made specifically to keep ice cream at the perfect chilled temperature while protecting it from harm. Plus, it’s easy for anyone to carry whilst committing their villainous deeds.”
Brissa, The Weapon Master, moaned. “Why do we always get the crazy people? Is it so hard just… just to get someone normal?”
Finigas leaned forward. “Pardon me, but why in the Ridge would we ever need your invention?”
“Because!” Coriander grabbed the bowl and lifted it high for them to see it better. “It’s portable ice cream!”
Silence fell on the room. The council stared at him with a mixture of disbelief and confusion.
Obviously, they needed more convincing.
Coriander sighed. “Because—” he said slowly, “when you finally take over the world, you’ll need to celebrate, right? And what’s more perfect than convenient, celebratory ice cream? Besides, what if a villain gets hungry during a theft? No problem! They have ice cream right here. It could even be used in interrogations. Simply torture your prisoner by slowly eating ice cream in his presence!” He wiggled the bowl temptingly toward them. “Best. Dooms-Day. Invention. Ever.”
Above the council, a vent in the roof slowly slid open, and a familiar head peeked down.
“Now of course,” Coriander said loudly, slipping a spoon from his shirt pocket, “currently you have to carry your own spoon—or steal one from some poor, unsuspecting soul. But I’m working on a version that has a built-in spoon. Just think of the possibilities!” He waved his spoon through the air. “You could murder someone with one of these things!”
Two figures slipped from the shadows behind the Council, their silver suits reflecting the drab lighting.
“Ice cream is good—” Kaygen, known to the public as The Madman, spoke from the end of the row. The others glared at him, and he snapped his mouth shut.
“Look,” Finigas said. “Ice cream is not a must-have when it comes to overthrowing the government and ruling the world.”
“But—” Coriander spluttered. “How could you… Ice cream is life!”
Brissa rolled her eyes. “It is certainly n—”
Finigas gave a strange jerk, then slumped forward, unconscious. The room exploded into motion. Chains snaked through the air, wrapping around the other villains before they could react. One of the figures in silver, a girl with streaks of green and black in her hair, darted from behind Finigas’ throne and touched the skin of each villain. Within seconds they slumped unconscious.
Coriander shoveled a spoonful of ice cream into his mouth.
“Cor!” the girl yelled at him. She started removing the Council’s various weapons. “Save some of that for me!”
“Sorry, Prani,” Coriander said. “No one is touching my ice cream.”
Another glimmering chain appeared from the opening in the roof. Ben, the great leader of the FEU, slid down it. “Alright!” he barked. “Teddar, transport the prisoners to the base. Prani, go with the council to make sure they remain unconscious.”
Teddar, wearing his usual scowl, appeared from behind a chair. He wiggled his fingers at the unconscious villains, and the ground beneath them collapsed, sucking them into a portal.
Coriander took another bite of ice cream and smirked at Ben. “See? Told you my distraction would work.”
“We knew it would work.” Ben rolled his eyes. “We just wanted it to have a little more… class.”
“Ice cream is classy.”
“No, Cor, it’s really not.”
Coriander clapped a hand over his heart. “That is one of the most despicable things I’ve ever heard! And you call yourself a ‘good guy!’”
A smile twitched on Ben’s face. As he turned away to answer his blinking transponder, Coriander looked down at his invention. Coriander the Third—inventor of the best ice cream bowl in existence.
He liked the sound of that.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
What doesn’t kill you makes you want ice cream. And then kills you. XD
You have to have sympathy for the guy and pity the family lineage of Corianders… What a name for an inventor!
Laughed out loud at the ending dialog. Coriander is so oblivious…
Loved this.
Hilarious! I loved the snappy dialogue–and of course, who doesn’t love a frosty bowl of ice cream?
Of course Julia, ice cream! Love it. xD
This is fantastic, Julia! Loved it so much I read it aloud to the family!
Oh my gosh, this was too funny!! I didn’t know I needed this in my life, but I absolutely need more Cor now.
And maybe some ice cream.
😂😂
Ahh this is hilarious. XD I love it.
AND ICE CREAM IS DEFINITELY CLASSY.