By Michael Dolan
“Kid. Hey, kid.”
Stuart felt a hand slap his cheek.
“You okay?”
Stuart groaned and opened his eyes. Something bright and orange hovered above him. “Yeah, I think so.”
He pulled himself up as his vision focused. The orange solidified into an upright tapir with a tortoise shell, the dorsal appendage of an anglerfish, and a construction worker’s orange vest.
Stuart rubbed his eyes. “Actually, I’m not sure anymore.”
“Harsh.” The creature clapped a hand to its chest. “But I understand. Let’s get you up.”
“Who are you?”
“Thafikserdood. You?”
“Stuart.”
As Thafikserdood helped Stuart stand, he observed their surroundings. It looked like a sewer system with very outdated pipes. “Where am I?”
“The paraducts.”
“The what?”
“Oh nothing. Just the conduits that connect all parallel worlds. The ones responsible for transporting kids like you to fantastic places for… I don’t know. Stuff and things. At least when everything’s—ahem—working.”
Stuart raised an eyebrow. “That doesn’t sound good.”
“Wait till you see what it looks like!” Thafikserdood led Stuart up the tunnel to a broken pipe. A sludgy, purple-colored goo oozed down the wall. “This is probably where you made a rather undignified exit.”
Stuart squinted closer. “Wait. You’re telling me I was inside this? With all this goo?”
“What? No.”
“Oh, thank goodness.”
“You probably were the goo!”
Stuart put a hand against the grimy wall, fighting to keep from heaving. Beside him, his new acquaintance unloaded a series of tools from its vest. The collection included a spanner, a blowtorch, and a rubber chicken.
“Shouldn’t take too long.” Thafikserdood started working on the pipe. “Gotta say, this is the first time I’ve dealt with anything like this, though. Do you remember what plucked you?”
“What plucked me?”
“Yeah. You know. There’s usually something in your world that whisks you off to another. Books are pretty common. Adverse weather conditions. Enchanted furniture?”
“I mean… I was toasting a waffle.”
Thafikserdood used the chicken to tighten a screw several turns.
“You were using a toaster?”
“Yeah, that’s a machine in our world that—”
“I know what a toaster is. I’m a maintenance worker, not a pixie.”
“Sorry.”
“Don’t worry about it. That’s… That’s just a new one, is all. Is it one of those fancy smart toasters?”
“Oh, totally. It’s got like twenty different settings and an LED screen.”
“Nice.” Thafikserdood reached into its shell and pulled out a roll of shiny tape. It ripped off a piece and slapped it over the repaired pipe. “Paraduct tape.” It winked at Stuart.
“Is that going to hold?”
“It better!” Thafikserdood started waddling down the tunnel.
“Where are you going?” Stuart asked.
“That pipe’s job was to take you somewhere. Since it blew, I guess it’s my job now. After all, you’re not exactly designed for this plane of existence.”
“What do you mean?”
Thafikserdood locked its beady eyes on Stuart. “I wasn’t always this monstrous figure you behold. I used to be a boy, just like you.”
Stuart’s stomach dropped.
Thafikserdood laughed. “Just kidding. But seriously, you shouldn’t stay here any longer than needed.”
“That wasn’t funny.”
“Sheesh. Sorry for trying to bring some levity to the situation.”
Stuart rolled his eyes and picked up his pace. Around the bend, one of the pipes fed into a ground-level basin of gleaming silver liquid. “Whoa, what’s this?” Stuart crept closer, reaching out toward his rippling reflection.
Footsteps sounded behind him. “Whatcha doing, kid?”
“Just taking a closer look.”
“Uh huh.” Thafikserdood snapped its fingers. “Hey. Over here.” It snapped twice more.
Stuart tore his gaze away from the pool and refocused on his companion. The bright orange vest stood out against the otherwise dark tunnel, clearing Stuart’s mental fog. “Whoa. What was that?”
“Those basins are portals to other worlds. But as you so reliably demonstrated, they’re also infuriatingly hypnotic.” Thafikserdood hooked its thumbs into its vest. “That’s why we wear these things. Nothing snaps you out of hypnosis like seeing your bright, orange-clad reflection staring back at you.”
“Would’ve been nice to know ahead of time.”
“Yeah. Not as funny, though.”
They continued walking, following the hastily repaired pipe. As they trudged through the passage, Stuart’s eyes ping-ponged between the wall and the orange vest as he kept far away from other silver pools.
They started up a gradual incline, and Stuart heard a faint gurgling sound coming from the collection of pipes. He stepped nearer, noticing that it came from the pipe they were following. “Hey. This sound normal?”
Thafikserdood pressed its head against the conduit. “Hmmm.” It pulled away. “So, don’t panic.” It started jogging down the tunnel. “But… we should move faster.”
“What, your duct tape wasn’t good enough?” Stuart jogged behind.
“It’s usually the solution to all my problems!”
Thafikserdood’s bouncing light threw strange shadows on the wall as the duo raced down the dark tunnel. Both kept an eye on the pipe, though Stuart returned his gaze to Thafikserdood’s orange vest whenever a gleaming basin enticed him closer.
Eventually, they reached the basin being fed by the pipe they were following. It was noticeably less full than the others along their journey, and shrinking by the second.
“Is this where I was supposed to land?” Stuart asked.
“No, it’s another toaster.” Thafikserdood smacked the backside of Stuart’s head. “Of course it’s where you were supposed to land.”
“Hey!” Stuart rubbed his head. “Where’s it going to take me?”
“Good question. Probably Dreamyland or Fantasalia or some such place.”
“Can’t I just go home?”
Thafikserdood shook its head. “That’s not how this works. But, uh, take this.” It tore off a strip of its orange vest. “Just in case something happens on your way back. Safety first, right?”
Stuart accepted the gift. “Thanks, but I sincerely hope I don’t need this. You better fix that pipe for real.” He stepped into the receding liquid.
Thafikserdood grinned. “More paraduct tape next time. Got it.”
“That’s not—” Stuart began before being sucked into the basin.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
This one had me giggling madly! NIce!
Thanks, Rose! Glad you enjoyed it.
Hilarious! It had a Hichhiker’s Guide feel to it. Glad my toaster is the common variety!
Thank you, Arlan! Stuart will probably be in the market for one of those when he gets home, haha.
best story in a while!! well portrayed characters, original setting, very interesting story line. thanks for a great read.
Thanks, SC! I’m glad you liked it so much.
A thoroughly fun and kooky story!
Thank you, Cortney! Wacky’s a great genre to write for.
I couldn’t help but think this story would be the result if Monsters, Inc. employees wrote the book “Every Heart a Doorway.”
Thank you! I’ll have to check out that book.
Gotta look out for those space-age toasters, man …
Great story!
Right? Pretty sure there wasn’t anything in the instruction manual about this. Thanks for reading!
Oh my, this was hilarious! XD
Thanks, Julia!
Delightful!
Thank you!
I would read a whole book about this place! A very creative “world between worlds” that had me thinking of Hitchhiker’s and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Thank you! It was fun to come up with a new way to connect different worlds.
I really like the fixer dude, with orange safety vest and paraduct tape.
“The Fixer Dude” – funny. I have my computer read to me or I might have missed that. A truly wacky concoction here. Well done (as usual)!