By Todd Hertz
It was a typical night in Doomslyvania, where the weather was frequently dark and stormy. Dr. Detestable had ranked the persistent dreary turbulence high in selling points when he’d chosen to build his castle laboratory on these steep, black cliffs. Top three, at least. Ominous circling vultures and a pathetic village to terrorize also scored well.
The elevator cage carrying the deranged genius screeched up the castle’s tallest tower. Dr. Detestable’s excitement rose with it. New Invention Night, the second most thrilling event of the week, had arrived! Soon, radiation would blast from this tower into the village’s only water source, turning it blood red. His lips curled into something like a smile as he daydreamed about soon-to-be-boiled waters full of dead fish.
At his side, Scrofa grunted happily. The scruffy boar looked up at his master and flapped his dark wings. Dr. Detestable hadn’t seen him this animated since the day he’d given him life.
The elevator stopped with a jolt. The cage doors groaned open. A hunchbacked minion looked up from a table, then shuffled across the lab to greet Dr. Detestable, one leg dragging behind him.
“Master,” Korgo squeaked in a curiously high pitched yet gravely voice. “The invention is ready.”
Detestable dug into a lab coat pocket. With a flick of his wrist, the doctor flung a bone onto Scrofa’s pile of pointy rocks in the corner. The boar fluttered after it.
The doctor swept across the stone floor toward his weapon. “Did you follow my instructions precisely?”
“Yes, Master.” Korgo bowed profusely. “Of course, Master.”
“You double checked?” Dr. Detestable pulled on dark rubber gloves.
“Yes, Master.”
“Measured twice, cut once?”
“Yes, Master.”
The triumph of glass, metal, and wires was beautiful from its mammoth base to the barrel disappearing out the castle embrasure. Detestable adjusted his goggles and studied the tentacles of electricity darting around the ray gun’s charging orb. They were very orange—not a nice, dark blood-orange but peppy, bright orange. A summery orange lake would not be terrifying.
“Why isn’t the beam red?”
“It’s not?”
“No, it is not!” the doctor sputtered. “But it should be!”
“I’m colorblind, Master.” Korgo rubbed his hands nervously.
“You’re… what?” Dr. Detestable threw his rubber gloves to the stone floor.
“Colorblind,” Korgo repeated. “Have been since I was a boy. Kicked by a mule.”
“You didn’t disclose that in the hiring process!”
“You didn’t ask, Master.”
The doctor took a deep breath. Remember your meditation tapes. He exhaled.
“Well, the color may not matter. The laser should still heat the lake enough to exterminate the village’s food supply.”
“Master.” Korgo retrieved his boss’s gloves and submissively held them out. “Should we fire the radiation gun? It’s nearly midnight.”
Detestable accepted the gloves. “Yes.” Waiting a whole week until next New Invention Night was out of the question.
Detestable stepped onto the ray gun’s platform. The sterling barrel pointed toward the center of Doomslyvania Lake. He placed a hand on the firing lever. He should be gleeful, but disappointment seethed through him. All I wanted was a blood-red boiling lake. Is that so much to ask? He focused on how wickedly smelly all the dead fish would be, forced a cackle, and yanked the lever.
With a terrifying scream, the gun burst to life. An orange beam materialized from the firing cylinder, cycled across the heating coils, and erupted into the lake.
At first, nothing changed. Then slowly, the center of the dark waters turned a brilliant orange. The color crept outward. Detestable waited for the waters to boil.
Not one bubble. The mad villain drummed his fingers on the lever.
“Master, according to our instruments, the lake temperature has risen!” Korgo exclaimed. “Success!”
The doctor ran to the dial. “You idiot! It’s only eighty-five degrees! That won’t kill any fish. You… You successfully accomplished ideal swimming conditions!”
Korgo blinked once and shrugged. “But who would swim in eerie orange water, my master?”
“Eerie?” the doctor screeched. “An orange lake is not eerie or menacing. It’s… It’s… quirky! You gave the village a perfect tourist attraction.”
Korgo’s nodded solemnly, then his eyes widened. “Oh, but think of all the new travelers we can terrorize, Master.”
“Terrorize?” the doctor spat. “Will you turn their hair silky smooth?”
“Silky like an eel, Master!”
Dr. Detestable threw his goggles to the floor. They bounced once and landed near Scrofa’s nose. The boar ate them.
The doctor raked his hands through his hair. How could every hire be so awful at being awful? Lab assistant after lab assistant, his minions ranged from lazily inefficient to detrimental.
“You’ve been nothing but a failure, Korgo!” Detestable screamed. “I wanted to kill the village’s vegetation; its crops grew larger. I tried to turn their sheep into snakes; they became adorable puppies!”
“They did nip, Master.” Korgo shrugged. “Lots of bandaged fingers.”
“You even used the last of the sour cream on Taco Tuesday!” The doctor froze; he’d grabbed Korgo by the smock. With a sigh, Detestable released him. “You know that’s my favorite day of the week.”
“I’m sorry, Master.” Korgo fell to his knees. “I will try harder, Master.”
“No.” Dr. Detestable’s voice was steely and calm. He exhaled, turning his back on Korgo. “No, you won’t. You’ve failed me for the last time.”
The oversized castle doors thundered shut. Alone in the darkness, Korgo shuffled down the steep stone stairs. He shambled two or three feet then glanced back. Out of view of the lab? Check. Beyond Scrofa’s invisible fence? Check. He exhaled.
Korgo, whose real name was Kyle, straightened his back and groaned. He sauntered toward his village, right leg no longer dragging. A dog yipped. He let out a giggle. Finger-biting puppies, how terrible. He started whistling as he passed a pumpkin the size of his house.
First stop: The village elders. Dr. Detestable would post a new classified ad soon; the next volunteer should be ready to apply. After that, Kyle would head to that perfectly-heated lake.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
There is so much I love about this story! It had me laughing all the way through. It gave me visions of Dr. Doofenshmirtz trying to terrorize the tri-state area. The ending was classic as well. Nice twist! I wish I could give this four stars out of three!
I was also getting Dr. Doofenshmirtz vibes! That’s hilarious XD
excellent characters, vivid scenes, engaging dialog. very enjoyable!
Wow that was hilarious! Loved the banter between Kyle and Dr. Detestable!
Such a fun story!
That was great!!!
XDDDD
Thanks to all for the great encouragement and feedback. -Todd
This was so great! Thanks for sharing the wacky with us!
What fun! Does make me wonder what havok the next applicant will wreak. (Sorry, couldn’t resist.)
Delightfully clever, and especially engaging for those of us Frankenstein fans who enjoy contemporary riffs around the classic Dr. Frankenstein laboratory.
This story reminds of the king of Moab trying to get Balaam to curse the Israelites. Hilarious!
Made me LOL. And gave me a nice life application skill: Next time I hire an assistant, I’ll be sure to first ask if he’s been kicked by a mule.
Kyle is a genius!