For the Love of Pie

By Beka Gremikova

I’d better get that blueberry pie. It’s the only reason I signed up for this ridiculous jousting tournament. Cielo di Spala loosened his hold on the horse’s reins and gripped his lance. A breeze fluttered the frayed, sky blue handkerchief tied around the pole. Alessia’s handkerchief. His ladylove sat in the front row, hoisting a sign that read Down with Di Spala!

He smiled to himself at their secret joke. You’re doing this for her. For yourself. For pie.

You cannot fail.

After unhorsing dozens of knights, all he needed to do now was lose—on purpose. He gritted his teeth. Alessia had suggested bowing out once he reached the finals, guaranteeing he’d receive second place, but that would’ve been too suspicious. Plus, he’d be jeered at by his fellow knights for years to come.

With this ruse, I’ll walk away with honor intact and a delicious dessert. Hopefully. Just keep your eyes on the pie.

At the far end of the field stood a dais, where the newly crowned Lord Faustini sat with the second prize pastry balanced on his lap. Beside him, his daughter Lady Giada—who would marry the tournament winner—glowered at the beautifully-baked scrumptiousness as if its very presence offended her.

Probably forced to eat such delicacies every night, poor rich girl. Cielo scowled under his helmet. After Faustini killed the former lord and gained control of Savilia’s abundant blueberry yields, he’d declared blueberries the New Super Food—aka “Just for Nobles.” Now, unless you knew someone, killed someone, or had a lot of money, you couldn’t get your hands on a blueberry pie anywhere.

It’d be much easier if I could just go around stabbing people and stealing their pies. Cielo had done exactly that in his former, assassin-y life. But I’m a changed man now. According to Alessia, responsible citizens enter jousting tourneys and knock their opponents senseless instead.

Or get knocked senseless. Thankfully during jousting practices Alessia had shown him how to fall without hurting himself—though that had required eating lots of mud.

Cielo eyed his opponent, a knight arrayed in shiny azure armor with a lance that gleamed in the sunlight. Cielo half-expected a dragon-sized magpie to swoop in and fly off with Sir Shiny. His foe leaned slightly forward in the saddle—a weakness Cielo could have exploited any other day. Sir Shiny’s horse whinnied and tossed its head, stamping a hoof into the dirt. Both rider and horse seemed keen. Good. Sir Shiny can win Lady Giada’s hand in marriage—and leave the consolation prize to me.

A herald in periwinkle livery hurried onto the dais. Cielo shook out his limbs to loosen himself up, then reined in his horse.

The herald puffed himself up and bellowed, “Charge!”

Cielo bent forward, prodding his horse into a canter. He noted the speed of his opponent’s approach, another tactic Alessia had helped him practice. Cielo loosened his grip on the reins and let his boots slide out of the stirrups. He leaned ever-so-slightly to the side, just enough to help the momentum of Sir Shiny’s lance. He angled his own lance to barely glance off the other knight’s armor.

He took a deep breath, prepared for the slam of the—

A slight impact barely jolted his armor. Thankfully he was already halfway off his horse. He tumbled the rest of the way and hit the ground on his shoulder. He groaned, sat up, and blinked past the dizziness. Ten paces away, Sir Shiny also sprawled across the ground.

The man lay prostrate, as though dead.

Dread crept through Cielo. Surely…?

Sir Shiny raised his head ever-so-slightly. He stiffened as Cielo’s jaw dropped, then quickly collapsed again.

Cielo bristled. The rat is trying to lose! He’s after my pie! Forget Sir Shiny, I should call him Sir Cheats-A-Lot!

“This is a joust, not naptime!” the herald bawled.

Cielo reluctantly rose to his feet. So did Sir Shiny, except he took his sweet time about it, clutching his horse’s reins for support. Cielo’s fists clenched. He couldn’t lose if his opponent stubbornly insisted on losing, too.

There was only—

Surrender.

Cielo swallowed. It would strip him of his knightly rank and all of its perks—access to Lord Faustini’s stables, his armory, his coffee grinder…

They’re just perks, man! Think of the pie! Something you may never get the chance to eat again!

Cielo glanced at Alessia. She glowered toward Sir Shiny, as though contemplating knocking him senseless with her sign for interfering in their pastry plot.

Cielo’s lips thinned. Nobody got between a man and his pie. He threw up his hands. “I surrender!”

The crowd fell silent. Then Lady Giada straightened in her seat and yelled, “Well, that was anti-climactic!”

“You can’t do that!” Sir Shiny cried.

“Of course he can!” a squire shouted. “It’s just shoddy sportsmanship, that’s all!”

“Sir Cielo di Spala surrenders.” Faustini shook his head. “A knight who surrenders is undeserving of my daughter.” He stood, beckoning both men to approach.

Sir Shiny lifted his visor and glared at Cielo as they stepped forward.

“I offer thee, Sir Lancelot of Camelot, my dearest daughter,” Faustini continued.

Cielo bent his head to hide his smile.

“And to you, Cielo di Spala, as consolation and reward for your”—Faustini grimaced—“efforts, I offer you a blueberry pie, compliments of my personal larder.” He dropped the dessert into Cielo’s arms like it was a hot potato.

Cielo hurried out of the ring before Sir Shiny’s dagger-glares turned literal. Alessia barreled through the crowd and met him outside the ring. “Shall we enjoy our well-earned feast?” Cielo asked her, sidestepping a barrage of children with the pie held protectively over his head.

Alessia’s lips twitched. “Well-earned is… one way to put it.”

“—What? It was well-earned! You know how much mud I had to eat to practice for this moment?”

“Oh, the trials of a dishonorable knight!” Tossing her arms around his neck, Alessia kissed him soundly.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Beka Gremikova writes and dreams from the Ottawa Valley, Ontario, Canada. An avid explorer of folklore and myth, she loves twisting both well-known and little-known fairytales. Her writing has been included in Bingeworthy, A Kind of Death from Uncommon Universes Press and the Faces to the Sun collection edited by S.J. Blasko. When she’s not travelling, writing, drawing, or watching anime, she can be found curled up in a corner with a mystery novel.

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