By Stoney M. Setzer
“Tell me again why we’re running from these people?” Harmony Star asked.
Agent Orange stifled the urge to curse as he jerked the steering wheel, just in time to avoid another projectile from behind. He was a master escape artist, but he had a tough job ahead. “Because you witnessed an illegal arms purchase! Don’t you remember?”
She shook her head, making her long hair dance. “No, I have short-term memory loss… I think… What was your name again?”
“You’ve got to be kidding—”
“I was exploring this old farm to find land for my nature preserve and animal rehabilitation center. That’s my dream… Tell me again why we’re running from these people? And why are you driving my truck? Are we together or something?” Before Orange could answer, she grabbed her ukelele from the floorboard and broke out into a romantic song. Both the lyrics and her painfully off-key voice made him cringe.
Orange abruptly steered into a cornfield—an effort to lose their pursuers. In hindsight, he wished he had used the “witness prevention” gas on her, but it was too late now. Surely, her snoring was less grating than her singing.
But no, his weaknesses got in the way. Tall, blue-eyed blonde in her early twenties, wearing a short orange dress with teal and olive green accents—Orange couldn’t help himself. He wanted her to know he had saved her life, so maybe she would “thank” him afterward. Now he wondered if she would even remember it later, if they survived… and if the potential pleasure would be worth this pain.
Thud! A direct hit, followed by an electric crackling sound. The truck slowed despite Orange repeatedly stomping on the gas pedal. “Did we get away?” Harmony asked in a sing-song cadence.
Orange shook his head. “Disruptor charge. Everything electrical on this truck just got fried. We’ve gotta get out and—” Something overhead hissed. Looking up, Orange saw a metallic object had pierced the roof. It sprayed a sweet-smelling green vapor into the cab.
“Quick!” Orange commanded, already feeling woozy. “Open your door, we’ve gotta…” Too late. Harmony’s head was already drooping, her eyes fluttering closed as she fell asleep.
He wanted to break his window, but his hands wouldn’t cooperate. The gas was potent, and darkness was already overtaking him.
***
“What a great nap!” Harmony’s voice pulled Orange back to consciousness. “Now, where are we?”
As his grogginess faded, Orange recognized the corrugated metal walls of a grain silo. He tapped his belt buckle as he stood, fighting off dizziness.
Looking down on them were Oddball and Paws, former henchmen who had joined forces. They exchanged glances, as if waiting for the other to speak first. At last, Oddball broke the silence. “Well, Agent Orange, it seems you and your little girlfriend have come to the end of the road. In a few minutes, you’ll both be buried under several tons of grain.” He held up a remote control. “All I have to do is hit this button.”
Harmony stared at Orange with wide, desperate eyes. When he didn’t have an answer for her, she called up with a shaky voice. “But… why?”
“Because of what you witnessed, of course!” Paws exclaimed as Oddball gaped at her in disbelief
“But I don’t remember seeing anything!” she sobbed.
“It’s true,” Orange said. “Short-term memory loss. Anything she saw, she’s already forgotten…”
“Whatever,” Oddball said, pressing a button on the remote. From a chute above, grain began pouring into the silo.
“Swing low, sweet chariot…” Harmony caterwauled. Her voice was as far off-key as ever, exacerbated by her attempts to pitch her voice lower. The sound reverberated off the cylindrical walls, sounding even worse in echo. Paws howled in misery. Oddball covered his ears, dropping the remote into the silo.
Thinking fast, Orange ran over and caught it before it hit the floor. He pressed buttons until the downpour of grain stopped.
Inspiration came in a flash. “She’ll probably keep that up as long as you have us here!” Orange shouted over her singing. Harmony seemed to have forgotten that she was lamenting her mortal peril and had switched to a more upbeat tune midstream. Paws howled even more loudly, and Oddball cursed.
“Too bad you’re putting yourselves through this when she can’t remember what she saw,” Orange remarked. “She might even forget this if you let her go… and you wouldn’t have to hear her singing anymore, either. Yep, too bad.”
Their captors looked at each other. “If she saw nothing, we could just let her go,” Oddball said. “Especially if she might forget being here. But only if she stops singing!”
“Anything to make her stop that!” Paws howled.
“Let me walk, too!” Orange shouted.
“Fine, whatever! Just shut her up!”
“Deal.” Desperate to escape, Orange kissed Harmony on her mouth, feigning emotion to make his plan work. She tensed up but at least she wasn’t singing.
Just as Harmony reciprocated, Orange pulled back, alarmed and hoping she might forget. “All right, now you keep your end of the deal!” he shouted.
“All right, you win,” Oddball conceded.
“But only till we meet again!” Paws added. Quickly they exited the silo.
The master escape artist triumphs again! Orange thought, turning to Harmony. “Don’t worry about them. I activated a homing device as soon as I woke up. Special forces will pick them up before they make it a quarter mile.”
Harmony blinked. “Why would I worry about them? And why would special forces come?”
“Never mind. We need to figure out a way out—”
“Not so fast, cutie pie.” Harmony smiled, batting her eyelashes. “I don’t remember how we got here, but I don’t think I’ll ever forget that kiss.”
“Oh, well, I…”
She threw her arms around his neck. “Stay with me. I think I’m falling… I’m so happy, I could sing!”
As she launched into her ear-splitting version of a serenade, Orange’s eyes darted around. How am I going to escape from this?
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
It’s great to read another version of Harmony where her singing is anything but good. This was so entertaining and witty!
Thank you!
Wow, Orange, hoping to get “thanked” for saving a lady? You may be an agent, but you’re certainly not a gent.
He definitely isn’t, and it comes back to bite him! Thanks for reading it!
Just now looking up health problems from exposure to Agent Orange:
– Hodgkin’s lymphoma
– myeloma
– respiratory cancers
– soft tissue sarcoma
– death (if your name is Herb)
So given what I’m reading here, HARMONY! RRRUUUUUUN!! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!
Gives new meaning to “toxic relationship,” doesn’t it? Lol
😂😂🤣
“What a nap!” had me laughing. This story was a wonderful quirky addition to the Harmony collection.
Thank you, that’s the effect I was aiming for! I’m glad you enjoyed it!
Oh, my! What a story, and what an ending. Maybe death by grain would’ve been better??? Terrific; I love it!
They are definitely a mismatch. I’m glad you enjoyed it!
What a great and fun thriller story!
Thanks! I’m glad you liked it!
Creative story. I love the switch at the end where he now must escape Harmony. Guess his day really isn’t turning out like he planned. :-)
Thank you! I had fun writing it, and I’m glad you liked my take on your character!