By Rachel Dib
“I need to return my golem.”
Uri flicked his gaze over the man glowering at him from the doorway. Beside him stood an umber golem with glowing amber eyes. It waved its fingers.
Recognizing the golem, Uri pursed his lips. The clay figure had been purchased barely a month ago. It had also been one of Uri’s better creations—less impurities in the clay. He’d been proud of the golem and had secretly named it Tov because it was such a good specimen.
Uri glanced over the man criticizing his work. Typical merchant—standard height, hasn’t worked out much. If he decides to get aggressive over my policy, I can take him. He sniffed and turned his gaze back to his accounts. “Sorry, but we have a strict no returns policy. You were informed of that upon purchasing your golem.”
The man’s glower deepened. He marched toward Uri, slapped a sales receipt down on the countertop, and pointed to the disclaimer at the bottom. “But that policy only applies to working golems. Mine is defective.”
Uri glanced from Tov back to the merchant. “It looks to be in perfect working order to me.”
“Well, it’s not.”
Sighing, Uri leaned forward on his elbows. In the two decades he’d been selling golems, he had heard every excuse in the book for how one of his clay creations was defective. “It talks too much” was a common complaint. “My golem has taken up tap dancing in its free time” was probably the most humorous. His favorite, however, had been the woman who’d commissioned a golem to keep mice out of her storeroom. “It keeps trying to kill my dog!” she’d whined, proffering the rat-sized mongrel. Uri had taken one look at the ugly furball and said, “Well keep your dog out of the storeroom, and your golem won’t get confused.”
Only once had a golem ever met the standard for being “defective.” That one had belonged to a yodeling instructor. After two days, the poor golem had self-destructed rather than listen to anyone else sing. While Uri had personally commiserated with the golem’s plight, he couldn’t deny that choosing to turn itself into a missile of broken shards was indeed a defect. Luckily, no one had gotten hurt—well, besides the golem.
Uri pursed his lips. “Defective how, sir? Does it not stock the shelves when asked?”
The merchant hesitated. “It does.”
“Will it not sweep the floors then? Does the golem refuse to clean?”
“No, it cleans the shop.” The merchant glanced away sheepishly. “Very well, in fact.”
Uri scratched his chin. “Does it refuse to assist customers? Is that the defect?”
The merchant’s face darkened. “Oh, he assists them, all right.”
Tov nodded emphatically from where he still stood beside the door.
Uri straightened and flicked his hand dismissively. “Then I don’t see—”
“He assists them right out of my store!” the merchant snarled.
Well, that’s a new development. Uri tilted his head, eyeing the merchant. The man’s face was turning a rather unusual shade of purple. “Are these elderly patrons we’re speaking about? Or… ”
“Well, some of them are.” The merchant waved a hand. “But that’s not the problem.”
“Do explain your issue then, sir.” Uri sighed. “Because, the way I see it, assisting your customers with their groceries isn’t a defect.”
“It is when that clay contraption tells them the truth about the product!”
Uri narrowed his eyes. “Are you saying you tend to lie to people about your wares?”
The merchant paused, his mouth slightly ajar as he contemplated how his complaint sounded. “No… not as such.” He stood up a little straighter, gaining his bearing. “But neither do I recount all their faults either. That’s the risk one takes in any establishment.”
“Faulty equipment?”
“A product not working as one believes it should,” the merchant corrected.
“Much like the golem you purchased?” Uri lifted a brow. “I’m sorry, sir, but informing customers that you’re selling damaged goods sounds like a public service. Whether or not you view it that way is up to you.”
“But I’m losing profits!” The merchant spat. “I bought that golem to help with my workload, not lessen it! All my customers are heading to Allon’s Market down the street.”
“And I’m sure Mr. Allon appreciates their business.”
“But what about my business?” He cast a thumb over his shoulder. “That piece of junk is killing my margins!”
Uri’s gut wrenched as Tov’s shoulders slumped at the word “junk.” The golem didn’t deserve such condemnation for performing a community service. Clenching his jaw, he stared down at the merchant. “That, sir, is a personal problem, and one that has nothing to do with the sale. If you want my advice, start selling useful products instead of the junk currently littering your shelves.”
The merchant’s beady eyes looked as if they were about to pop out of his head. “How dare you!”
“No. How dare you, sir.” Uri pointed at Tov. “That there is a fine specimen of a golem, and you discredit him by blaming him for your personal faults.”
The merchant opened his mouth to object, but Uri cut him off with a finger jab to the sternum that rocked the man backward a step.
“If anyone is defective here, it’s you—trying to pass off damaged goods to unsuspecting patrons. I wouldn’t be surprised if that golem kept you from getting sued. In fact, if the worst that happens to you is losing a few customers, then I’d say you’ve gotten off easy!”
“You’ve got some nerve,” the merchant spluttered.
Ignoring him, Uri beckoned to Tov.
The merchant eyed the cowering golem. “Going to refund me after all?”
“On the contrary.” Uri pointed to a line in the service agreement that most customers overlooked. “I’m revoking ownership on the grounds of mistreatment. You, sir, have proven to be an unfit proprietor. You can see yourself out.”
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
What a fun story! There are some establishments I’d love to send that golem to!
Thank you 😊 yea…I know a few stores where people could benefit from Tov’s services too
Aww, poor Tov! I very much liked the ending! 💜
That you! I’m glad you enjoyed it 😊
I want to know what happened to the tap dancer!
I imagine it’s still tap dancing lol Thanks for reading!
Love the humor involved with the efficient world building!!!!
Thank you! Glad you enjoyed it!
Yaaay!! Good ending! I was hoping he wouldn’t have to stay with that snake-oil salesman. :D
Yes, Tov definitely deserved better. I’m glad you enjoyed it!
As someone who worked customer service, I identify so much with Uri. This was such a funny exchange, but very true-to-life in a lot of ways. I was so happy Tov didn’t have to put up with his unappreciative (and dishonest) owner any more. :D
I’m glad it was true to life but still gave you a chuckle! 😊
Great story, putting all creative examples. And the best part of saying he was not fit to own the golem is the best. It wasn’t the golem that was defective, it was the merchant.
Exactly! I’m glad you enjoyed it!
I’m glad Tov didn’t have to stay with that merchant!
Indeed! Thank you for reading!
An ethical golem, very cool.
Thank you, I’m glad you liked it!
Makes me wish I could adopt Tov and give it a good home! Thanks for the fun read!
Thank you 😊 I’m glad you enjoyed it!
Laughed thought this one! I felt so bad for Tov until Uri took him back. Merchant didn’t deserve him.