Havok Publishing
SS - Staff Saturday featured image

All Hail the Twinkie

By J. L. Ender

I whistled as I stepped from my house. Per usual, I was clad in my nano-suit, a second skin to protect me from harm. You couldn’t see it—to most eyes I looked like any kid walking the street. Well, any kid in a trench coat with goggles perched on his forehead. I had a new contract to fill. A new mug in town had offered to pay me with some kind of coconut macadamia stuff, which sounded promising.

Making my way across town, I slipped into the chosen alley, a broad path between two soaring brick warehouses. It stank with that sickly-sweet odor that trash always gets. Two dumb-looking dweebs stood near a dumpster. A pile of old electronics was heaped at their feet.

One kid was blond with an unfortunate array of zits. I didn’t envy his prom date, if he even had one. He had a gawky look to his stupid face, as if he couldn’t quite believe his surroundings. The other one had dark eyes and a stormy, brooding expression.

“You’re Stuffmaker?” The dark-eyed boy looked me up and down.

I nodded at the pair of twerps. “Let me see the payment.”

“Half now, half later,” the blond kid said.

“Sure, whatever.” I blew my bangs out of my eyes. “You want a gun or not?” No, Mom, it’s not cute if my bangs are in my eyes. I’m a man. Men don’t need bangs.

The dark eyed boy tossed me a little rectangular box printed with colorful animals.

Animal crackers. I’d been betrayed.

I caught the box one handed. “What in the name of Chips Ahoy is this trash?” I dropped the box in disgust. “I don’t do animal crackers. Where’s the good stuff?”

“A cookie’s a cookie, you dumb kid,” the dark-eyed boy said. “Now make us a gun. We got a busy night planned.”

“I work for cookies, not bread. You turkey sniffers better cough up something good. I do not like having my time wasted. I’m missing Octonauts for this.”

“What are you, like six?” the blond boy asked scornfully.

“Seven and a half!” I replied with indignation. (And yes, I can use indignation in a sentence. But we’ll wait while you look it up… Done? Okay.)

“Just make us the gun and we won’t beat the cookies out of you.” The dark-eyed boy snickered like he’d said something funny, as opposed to managing something maybe a level above stitching enough brain cells together to grunt like a monkey.

I laughed, reached into a pocket, and pulled out an Oreo. Twirling it along my fingers, I popped it into my mouth. “Go ahead and try,” I said, mouth full.

“We’re powered, you dummy. Not a good idea to challenge us.”

“I’m shakin’ in my boots, bud.” I pulled another cookie from my trench coat and dunked it into a glass of milk I’d stashed in another pocket. Is there a pocket dimension in my coat? Maybe. Or maybe I’m just real careful.

“That tears it.” The dark-eyed kid turned to stone.

The blond gaped at his friend, then created fireballs in both hands.

The blond threw a fireball. I held up a hand and caught it in my palm. The nano-suit protected me. I wasn’t invulnerable but taking down these turkey sniffers would be easy enough.

I threw the fireball at the stone guy. It fizzled harmlessly. Worth a try.

Stone guy punched at me. I jumped out of my nano-suit and rolled to the side, flopping onto the asphalt near the pile of electronics. The Mayor of Stupidville punched a rocky hand through a ghostly version of me created by the suit. Meanwhile, using my own superpower of transfiguration—I’m not pausing this time, look it up later—I made a ginormous, glowing purple and green gun out of the junk. Too big. I added a little antigravity fan to help bear the weight.

The stone guy turned toward the real me. Hefting the cannon-sized device, I blasted him into the far alley wall.

The fireball guy threw up both hands. “Sorry! I give up!”

I blasted him anyway.

Don’t get your undies in a bunch. I turned down the power. I’m a nice guy like that. I nudged fireball guy’s shin with my foot. A slightly rumpled plastic container lay on the ground near his feet. “Hey! You had my cookies all along!”

I ripped open the bag and took a huge bite of one, spraying crumbs all over the two boys. Not bad. It was no Oreo, but they were pretty good. Delightfully nutty, with a hearty aftertaste.

“Tell them Stuffmaker works for cookies.”

The fireball guy groaned.

“Ugh, tell who?” the Mayor of Stupidville asked, leaning up.

I grinned and dunked a second cookie. I rested the gun on my shoulder. It looked kind of like a giant Twinkie to me.

There’s a name: The Great Twinkie.

Leaving the idiots to bemoan their fate, I whistled as I left the alley with my new gun and a fresh bag of cookies.

Rate this story:

9 votes, average: 2.67 out of 39 votes, average: 2.67 out of 39 votes, average: 2.67 out of 3 (9 votes, average: 2.67 out of 3)
You need to be a registered member to rate this.Loading...

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

J. L. Ender is the author of the superhero series Steel Fox Investigations, as well as a number of novels and short stories across several genres. Ender has worked as a dishwasher, a beef jerky labeler, a warehouse worker, a shelf stocker, a greeter, a traveling technician, a laser engraver, a package handler, a copywriter, a graphic designer, a librarian, an editor, destroyer of worlds (in an unofficial capacity), a dispatcher, and a phone operator. You can find him on Instagram where he regularly tortures himself by trying to write even shorter fiction at 150 words or less.


More Stories | Author Website | Facebook | Instagram

Help fund author payments for our next anthology!

9 comments - Join the conversation

Leave a Reply to Leuke Cancel reply

 

Your Dose of Weekday Fun

Welcome to Havok, where everyone gets free flash fiction every weekday and members of the Havok Horde can access the archives, rate the stories, and contend for reader prizes! Join the Horde, or enjoy today’s story… we hope you’ll do both!

Havok Story Podcast profile pic

Archives by Genre / Day

Archives by Month