By Sarina Dorie
How to Destroy the Underworld in Seven Days
Day 1
“You dragged me here against my will and tried tricking me into eating broccoli so I’ll be stuck here forever?” I asked. “Who is going to be seduced by vegetables?”
Hades dropped the broccoli onto the gritty cavern floor. “Your beauty bewitches me and dulls my senses.”
I stomped away.
I was never again going to get in a chariot with some god I hardly knew who offered a ride to Mount Olympus.
Day 2
“Pomegranates grow on trees, not stalactites,” I said. “I brought it in my carry-on. It doesn’t count.”
“The wording is clear, my dearest.” He looked up from his dusty tome of rules as he sat on his throne of black mist. “Anything you eat while here counts.”
“So I’m going to starve?”
“Souls do not require nourishment. As rulers of the underworld, nor do we. The more you eat, the longer you stay.”
It was a good thing he didn’t know about the spanakopita and grapes I’d eaten yesterday. “You don’t force people you love to stay trapped in a dreary pit.”
“I don’t make the rules…. Just so you know, I am happy for you to be by my side. Forever.” Hades left his throne and hugged me. “You will reign with me as Queen of the Underworld.”
“You want me down here forever? Fine. I’m going to make your life a living Hell.”
Hades tugged at his toga, his brow furrowed in consternation. “My life is a living Hell. But you add sunshine to my gloomy day. You are all that is feminine and beautiful—the spring of the world above, here to bring joy to my life.”
He wanted spring and all that was feminine? I would give him the spring maiden, trad-wife he wanted—and then some.
Day 3
While Hades was busy elsewhere, I used dehumidifiers to get rid of the fog. This left me with enough water from the basin to fill an immense bucket with soapy water. I grabbed some scrub brushes and enlisted the souls Hades ruled over to polish the brimstone. The souls raised their eyebrows at my choice of flower wallpaper, but I am a goddess of spring, so Hades would have to get used to it. I’d nearly gotten a quarter of the decorations finished before Hades noticed.
“What in all the pantheon are you doing?” Hades demanded upon his return.
“What’s it look like? I’m cleaning your filthy man cave.”
“But it’s supposed to be black and charred.”
“If you expect me to be cooped up here, it needs a makeover. These are the spring touches you asked for.”
Day 4
“Cerberus needs a chew toy,” I said.
“Cerberus doesn’t have chew toys. He has the dead to gnaw on.”
“Not anymore.” I whistled.
A happy, three-headed dog bounded across the polished floor, tongues lagging and tail wagging.
“Who’s a good boy?” I patted him on one of his heads.
Hades went pale. “What have you done to my beast?”
“I sent him to the groomer.”
“But he’s ferocious! How did you keep him from biting?”
“Chill. He went to Artemis’s obedience school first.”
“How is he supposed to terrorize and protect my domain?”
Cerberus lay down at my feet.
“He’s done with his days of terror. He’s going to be my protector.” I patted Cerberus on my back. “Also, he’s completely cave broken. No more piles of excrement for souls to step on.”
I was now the master.
Day 5
I held Hades’ filthy socks out away from myself and flung them at his feet.
“Haven’t you ever done laundry in the underworld?” I asked.
He shrugged. “Well, sometimes.”
“You can’t blame that stink on Cerberus anymore.” I shook my head in utter disgust. “You are going to the bathhouse today. And when you get back, we are going to have a long discussion about chores and hygiene.”
He stomped off like a passive-aggressive teenager being told what to do.
Later, he screamed when he saw I’d glued the toilet seat down.
Day 6
Charon looked more morose than usual, so I asked him if he liked his job.
He sighed. “I’ve worked for millennia, and I’ve never gotten a promotion. I work for commission, and with inflation, one coin per customer is hardly enough to make ends meet.”
I honestly felt bad for the guy.
“Hey, how about a spa day on me, buddy?”
His eyes lit up, then his shoulders slumped. “I can’t. The dead aren’t going to cross this divide on their own.”
“The dead can wait. If Hades has a problem, he can take it up with me.”
His smile was so full of joy, I couldn’t help wondering if there were others who needed attention.
Maybe I’d invite Orpheus and his dead wife over for cards.
Day 7
I drained the Lake of the Dead Spirits to plant a garden. The dead really liked picking flowers. One of them even made me a bouquet.
I installed a hot tub over the fire pits and had Charon advertise that it was free to everyone. It was great seeing all the souls look so refreshed.
But it was the last straw for Hades.
“This isn’t working out the way I’d imagined,” he said.
“Hey, I ate that fruit, so it looks like you’re stuck with me.” I reached for another pomegranate.
He snatched it up. “You only ate a little. Just five seeds.”
“I checked your book. Each seed equals a month,” I said. “I get to be in the Underworld for five months a year, bringing joy and sunshine.”
The Underworld wasn’t so bad with happy souls and no stench. I’d miss Charon and Cerberus when I left. And Hades had grown on me, in his misguided way. Plus, I was a queen here.
Lucky me!
Rate this story:
(4 votes, average: 2.50 out of 3)
You need to be a registered member to rate this.
Loading...ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Good on ya, Persephone! Strange gods lying in chariots distributing broccoli is no basis for a system of government. :)