By Sam Sleep
I’m Frank Pepitone, from the Superhero Accountability Department. SAD is a subdepartment of the Preternatural Hero Force. If you find out you have superpowers one day, don’t hesitate to keep it to yourself.
The world needs more superhumans who mind their own business.
***
I swept the beam of my flashlight over the dry, flat walls of the cave. Artificial lights lit exits and windows in a surreal orange glow. We almost didn’t need the flashlights. Joy’s beam intersected with mine briefly as she scanned the tunnel with me.
She wore cargo pants loaded with PHF-issued Anti-Hero Cuffs and a pink shirt printed with a unicorn and a rainbow. Just for that visual assault, I made her carry the backpack. She didn’t seem to care.
“This is so cool. I’ve never been to Derinkuyu before,” she said.
I rolled my eyes. Always so enamored with new locations. Never focused on the job. “Just be glad the police were kind enough to clear out the tourists. I’m sure it’s a zoo in here otherwise.” It sure smelled like it. Dust and goats permeated everything.
“Have you seen any signs of an ambush yet?” Joy asked.
Because, of course she would ask such a stupid question out loud. Superspeed sometimes came with a slow head.
Pyro had laid an ambush for me every single time so far. This time I had Joy, but I wasn’t counting on her not to screw things up. The labyrinthine tunnels here didn’t make anything easier. There were nooks and crannies everywhere. I had counted five especially convenient hiding places. I held up five fingers. “Can you count to this many?”
As much as she annoyed me, she wasn’t as stupid as I wanted to think she was. And I had worked with her enough to trust her with this much.
She nodded once in understanding, then smiled and cocked her head at me. “You’re cute when you’re grumpy, Peperoni.”
If she was a man, I would have punched her. But chivalry, and all that nonsense. We were approaching a larger room anyway, so instead I just hissed at her, “Stick to the plan!”
We stepped out of the tunnel into a cavern lit in orange. There were various doors and windows, and a single off-center pillar holding up the low ceiling.
Some kind of clockwork contraption sat in the middle of the room. It looked like some kind of steampunk version of a classic action movie bomb. It was large enough for someone to hide behind. The pillar wasn’t quite.
I snapped my fingers and jerked a thumb over my shoulder. She dropped the backpack at my feet and disappeared back the way we had come in a blur of pink.
An orange glow flickered behind the bomb in the middle of the room. Pyro stepped around the machine, fists burning. He wore a flame print spandex body suit and a scowl, as if his stern expression would nullify the stupidity of his suit.
“Frank. I told you not to interfere with my work.”
I knelt to pull the fire extinguisher out of the backpack. It was one of those big, industrial numbers that could double as a medieval melee weapon. I stood, pointing it loosely in his direction. “Don’t call me Frank.”
He smirked at me, but it came across as more of a sneer. He didn’t seem too concerned about the fire extinguisher. Troubling.
“What happened to your trench coat? Doesn’t your drycleaner repair fire damage?”
I missed the trench coat, but I didn’t have the emotional energy to engage with that particular jab. “I don’t have time for this. Turn yourself in. I’m tired and I want to go home.”
He chuckled, extinguishing his fists. “Nah. I’ve got a better idea.” He proceeded to stand there, doing nothing. One hand was suspiciously behind his back.
Of course. He must have had some kind of silent alarm system. This was when the ambush was supposed to come in and trap me in here with him.
Nothing happened.
“Calling for backup?” I raised an eyebrow at him. “My alarm isn’t quite so silent.” I shouted over my shoulder, “Joy?”
She was at my side in a blink, cuffs hanging from one finger, other hand on her hip.
“Got ’em?” I asked, only glancing her direction briefly.
She scoffed. “There were only three. Got yours?”
Pyro’s surprise quickly twisted to rage.
Before I could answer Joy’s question, Pyro rushed me, bursting into flames. Time seemed to slow. I could already tell it was too late. There just wasn’t time to pull the pin and douse the inflamed maniac before he reached me.
Failure. Again. And I might not survive this time.
Suddenly I was pushed aside, and the extinguisher was violently ripped from my hands. Pyro sprouted white foam like a kernel of corn that had just popped.
Time returned to normal speed. I found myself sitting in the dirt against the wall. Joy stood above a mountain of foam with the fire extinguisher. She ditched the extinguisher and disappeared into the sludge.
I stood and dusted myself off.
Joy reappeared, dragging a choking Pyro by his cuffs.
She dumped him at my feet. “Man. I’ve got to do these Accountability missions more often. Do you always have this much fun?”
The relief passed, and anger set in. Heroes. Always stealing the glory. And the fun parts. “Darn it, Joy,” I said. “I told you to stick to the plan!”
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I really like this concept. I hope we see more stories about Frank and Joy in the future!
Thank you for sharing! I love superhero stories, and I hope we see more of Frank and Joy down the road. They make a good team…even if Frank dislikes everything about superheroes. :)