By Ailsa McKellan
Lenny couldn’t help being the wisest man on Earth. Just as the rest of humanity couldn’t help being deeply and tragically ignorant.
He tapped his fingers against his carefully constructed booth as he sat by the vacant road outside his house.
You’d think the walking public would be curious to hear what Lenny had to say while he sat under his vivid red sign that declared Aliēnī veniunt! The aliens are coming!
Yes, it was in Latin, but it was bright red for crying out loud! Even if no one could read it, how could they miss it?
Lenny sighed. Maybe it was time for a new location. A place more open to his fervent call.
A couple of hours later, Lenny had set up his post at the corner of a busy intersection. Like before, the people driving ignored him, but that was to be expected of busy commuters. One-track minds.
However, most people on the sidewalk passed him by as well, snickering, rolling their eyes, or looking confused as they skirted around his booth.
“Come receive wisdom!” Lenny yelled over the whooshes of the cars.
An old woman stopped, but only because her dog had a desperate need to urinate on Lenny’s booth.
He tried to ignore the fact that he’d spent six weeks carving the intricate futuristic design on the part the beagle was desecrating.
The old woman didn’t stay to hear his great wisdom, and everyone else continued to pass him by. Never before had the phrase “casting pearls before swine” cut so deeply to his heart.
And then someone without a dog or any traces of cynicism wavered before him.
The young lady glanced around before approaching Lenny and his booth. She twirled a strand of her chestnut hair around one finger, her eyes fixed on Lenny.
“Is this for real?” she asked.
Lenny nodded solemnly. “I would never joke about aliens.”
She folded her arms against her chest as her nose twitched. “I figured that was what your sign’s about.” She squinted at his name badge. “Lenny the Learned?”
Lenny bowed. “At your service. And the service of all humans who wish to be prepared for the aliens.”
Again, the woman’s nose twitched. “You have proof of these aliens?”
Lenny studied the woman. He didn’t want the first one who saw his proof to be just anyone and her enuretic dog.
The front of the booth still stank from that encounter.
However, this woman looked genuinely curious, genuinely concerned.
If he didn’t act, he might never get another chance.
“Yes, I have proof.” Lenny gestured for her to come closer. Once she did so, he pulled a jerry-rigged portable scanner from underneath his shirt.
The woman studied it with serious eyes, her lips tight.
“This,” Lenny whispered, “can detect aliens.”
He pressed the center button until the scanner’s lights began flashing. The woman’s eyes widened, and she started to back away.
Green light shone across her skin. She stared at it. Lenny stared at it.
He’d tested the device on himself plenty of times, and it had always shone red. Always.
Lenny looked between his scanner and the woman. Her eyes flickered as she took another step back, nearing the busy intersection. “I have to go.”
He’d found another one. Only this one hadn’t taken the form of his pet rabbit, Lulu. This one had taken a human form.
Unbelievable.
“Wait!” He rushed around his booth and reached for the alien woman.
While Lulu couldn’t speak, this woman could answer his questions about the invasion. It was all so perfect!
“Stay away from me,” she growled.
Her hands glowed as she raised them toward Lenny. He felt himself flung backward into his booth, as if he’d been shoved.
But the woman hadn’t touched him.
“I told you it works!” he yelled to no one in particular. Or maybe to the whole world specifically. Aliēnī veniunt! He had been vindicated.
The woman surged toward him. Toward his scanner.
He clutched it to his chest, screaming, “I’ve found an alien! I’ve found an alien!”
“Keep your voice down!” she hissed, eyes flitting around nervously.
“Why have you come?” Lenny asked. “Violence is not the answer, Ms. Alien.”
She scowled. “I haven’t come to be violent. I’ve come to live in peace. If you leave me alone, I’ll be able to do so. And my name is Lulabelle Haveni.”
“My rabbit!”
Lulabelle smacked him. “That was a disguise! I’m still determining whether human or rabbit is best, and you are not helping!”
She drew away from him, hugging herself like a sensitive human would. “I didn’t come to attract attention. My planet rejected me. This was all I could think to do.”
Lenny rubbed his jaw, his stomach plummeting to the bottom of his right boot. “I’m sorry, but do you know what an alien invasion would do to us? We can barely survive the winter!”
Lulabelle’s eyes moved to his scanner. “How does one secret guest constitute an invasion? No one is following me.”
She sighed, eyes drifting to the sky.
Lenny had never really thought about it, but he’d always seen aliens as a figure in his calculations. Probability and then certainty, but always a data point in his vast mind.
Lulabelle met his gaze again. “I know I have no authority here, but please don’t tell anyone.”
Lenny looked at the scanner he still clutched to his chest. This was his moment to prove to everyone he was right. His claims could be validated.
Lulabelle’s eyes glistened.
This alien wasn’t a data point; she was a heart and a soul and a mind.
Lenny tucked his scanner in his pocket.
“Live in peace,” he said, raising his hand in the Vulcan salute.
Lulabelle’s face brightened. “Thank you, Lenny.”
Though Lenny shrugged off her gratitude, his heart felt bizarrely light as Lulabelle disappeared around a bend in the sidewalk.
It turned out, even the wisest man on Earth needed a lesson in compassion sometimes.
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