By H. M. Hershberger
“We’ve got a fanfiction character on the loose, Agent Spaulding.” Fledgling hands me a dossier.
I kick my heels onto my desk. “And?”
Fledgling’s eyes widen. “And? Regulations state we need to hunt it down before it tangles the timelines, sir!”
“I know, I know. You’re not the only one in this dump who can read, kiddo.”
“I’m six months out of training.”
“And you’re still as green as grass.”
“Because you won’t let me do anything.”
I push off the desk and snag my badge. “I don’t need you to do anything, greenhorn. I’m this close to a promotion. Training a wet-behind-the-ears hobgoblin like yourself is pointless.”
Fledgling splutters. “I am not a hobgoblin. If you’d train me like regulations say you’re supposed to—”
“Geez Louise, bright eyes. Cut the chapter and verse.” I flick through the dossier. “Are you kidding me? A gem-cat? They’re sending their best field agent after a soggy bundle of fur some pink-haired teenager dreamed up? Never mind, you can come. I need entertainment.”
“FC’s are a threat, regardless of size or species, sir,” Fledgling quotes.
“Unbelievable,” I mutter. I rub my badge against my sleeve and inspect the purple lettering. S. Spaulding, Trans-Universal Character Union, Agent 3362.
Fledgling scowls. “Permission to speak freely, sir?”
“Permission denied. Let’s go.”
————
Fledging and I creep through the underdeck of one of the Solarian bookverse’s iconic solar yachts. I breathe in the smooth air that vibrates with the music of the party above and shoot Fledgling a smirk. “What does that smell like to you, tenderfoot?”
Fledgling raises an eyebrow. “Stabilized hydrogen and fuel cells, sir.”
“So tense, oh inexperienced one. Relax! Keep your peepers peeled for that stupid cat, and we’ll be in and out in twenty shakes.”
“Have you watched any of the Solarian films, sir?” Fledgling presses.
“Just the first one.” I finger the freeze-cuffs hanging from my belt. “If I read or watched all the media associated with every universe in our jurisdiction, I wouldn’t leave my desk. And if I don’t leave my desk, I don’t get promoted. And if I don’t get promoted, I won’t be free of the nasty little backwater called Fanfiction Forensics and the stuffed shirts in Management, and that’s not good for anyone’s sanity.”
“Sir—”
“Save it, rookie. I’m the one with the field experience here. You’re the dewy-eyed recruit who thinks chasing down teenager’s rogue pipedreams somehow restores balance to the multiverse.”
“But sir—”
“Less yammering. You’re distracting me.”
“Sir!” Fledgling squawks. “Behind you!”
A feline snarl rumbles through the hallway. I turn and my mouth goes dry as a nine foot moggy bares its teeth. “A word to the wise, Fledgling,” I murmur. “Run.”
The gem-cat springs, and we run like rabbits for the deck hatch. We burst onto a deck full of startled partygoers, an angry chartreuse kitty on our heels. Women scream and men wield breadsticks like swords. Fat bunch of good that’s going to do them.
“Sir!” Fledgling hollers. “Distract it while I get the cuffs on its leg.”
“Sweet sentiment, youngling, but I work alone. Watch and learn.” I wink at a girl in a lava lamp dress. “Mind if I borrow your scarf, gorgeous?” I snatch it off her neck, and she gapes. “Thanks a million, sweetheart. I owe you!”
The gem-cat yowls as it crashes into the buffet table, scattering trays of desserts everywhere.
“Here, kitty kitty.” I wave the scarf at it. “Come and get the yarn!”
Obsidian pupils narrow to slits. With a ferocious snarl, the gem-cat pounces.
I dodge the cat’s attack matador style and whip the scarf around its neck. It screeches and lurches to the side, swinging me onto its back. I cling to the scarf, bringing my five weeks of horse training to play as I fight the spitting feline for dominance.
“Sir!” Fledgling shouts. “Keep it busy. I’ll—”
“Watch the master work, cucumber—”
The moggy rears onto its forelegs and slams back to the deck. I shoot off its back like a bullet and slam into the polished hardwood with a whoosh of lost breath.
I wheeze for air, but oxygen remains elusive. Glowing pink eyes fill my vision, and any breath I had regained flees my lungs. “Nice…kitty…”
The gem-cat bares its pearly teeth. It leans forward, brine-tinged breath turning my knees to jelly.
Neither of us blink, and—
The cat lets out an ear-piercing scream and springs away. I gawp in surprise. There, on its ankle, are Fledgling’s freeze-cuffs.
A pair of hands heave me to my feet.
“Come on,” Fledgling chides. “Where’s that field experience, Agent Spaulding? We’ve got it on the hop!”
I raise a finger. “Let me catch my breath.”
“No time!”
I stare at the deck for ideas. Planks, planks, scarf, planks— scarf. Bingo.
“See the scarf, Fledgling?”
The rookie eyes the abandoned accessory and grins. “Yep.”
“Excellent.” I toss him my cuffs. “Tie those to it. I’ll play bait.”
“Yes, sir.”
“On three. One…” The gem-cat turns to attack again. “Two…” Its muscles tense. “Three!” We dive to the sides, rolling to absorb the impact. I snag a pair of peaches and entertain the feline with my juggling prowess while Fledgling flanks it, freeze-cuffs and scarf in hand.
“Oh, little kitty, behold my ditty…” I glance at Fledgling, fumbling with the fruit.
The cat’s eyes narrow and it whips around to glare at Fledgling.
Too late. The freeze-cuffs are already activated, tied in place with the scarf. It stiffens, unable to move.
A long sigh of relief escapes my chest.
I saunter over to Fledgling. “Passable, for a tenderfoot.”
Fledgling shakes his head. “Still planning on chasing the promotion, sir?”
I shrug. “Eh, desk jobs were never my thing. Seeing the stars, the wind in my hair, a promising apprentice, freedom—that’s my sort of life.”
Fledgling crosses his arms. “Oh, is it?”
I sling an arm around his shoulders, tugging him toward the transporter to call Containment. “Course it is, greenhorn. Of course it is.”
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Fun story! I like the banter between Spaulding and Fledgling.
The banter and action are top-notch!
“men wield breadsticks like swords.”
But of course, that’s what they were doing before they saw the cat
I love it! Comedy and cats for the win!
This is great – I love the characters, the story is funny and suspenseful — and a great ending. Bravo!
Love the dialogue and the slang – it’s so snappy and hilarious.