Potato Panic

By J. L. Ender

The spaceship rattled again, the second violent vibration in as many minutes. Leaves fell from the trees above, and water from the large koi pond splashed my spacesuit. Vibrant colors danced and pulsed in the transparent dome of the garden’s ceiling, which offered a view of nearby space.

“Don’t trouble yourself.” The koi rolled its bulging eyes. “You’re far too slow.”

“I’d be an idiot not to try.” I resisted the urge to roll my own eyes.

“Well, let’s face it. You’ll be an idiot either way.”

“Shut it!” I pressed my gloved tentacles to my earholes, trying to blot out the persistent alarm and the persistent fish. “I’m trying to think here.”

“I thought I smelled smoke!” The koi laughed. “I know the thinky-thinks is rare for you. Don’t be alarmed.”

Our spaceship— basically a domed garden with engines— was in trouble. We had drifted into a dangerous nebula. If our shields failed now, we’d be calamari for sure.

“Where’s the rest of your people?” I asked the fish.

“Hiding, praying, rethinking their various life choices. Something along those lines.”

“Well, get them ready. We might need to use the escape capsules.”

“What are we gonna do, smart guy? Put on parachutes? We’re fish, ya moronic mollusk. We’re good for three things: we eat, we poop, and we—”

“That’ll do.” I snapped a tentacle, cutting him off. “Don’t you think the little ones might need comforting?”

“Only if they see your face!” Even in a life and death emergency, the koi couldn’t seem to control his acerbic tongue.

“Ha… ha. I’m going to the engine room to check the shield array.”

“Hold on. I’m coming with you.” The koi leapt into the air, stretched, and floated beside me. His golden scales gleamed in the emergency lighting. “Well? Let’s go. Unless you wanted to play Chutes and Ladders first?”

“Do we have Chutes and Ladders? Because, actually…” Chutes and Ladders had been my favorite game as a young cephalopod. I blew out a breath. “Never mind. Let’s go.”

We hurried toward an exit at the edge of the garden, a brass door set in a brick arch. It slid aside as we neared, revealing the guts of the ship. It didn’t take long to find the problem—a small potato with a wrench smashing everything in sight.

The flying koi’s jaw dropped. Eyes on the spud, I reached up with one tentacle and shut it for him.

“Back away from there, you… potato!” I yelled.

“Weak! Call him half-baked!” the koi cried. “A torpid tuber, a spastic spud!”

“We can figure out what to call him later.” I drew my laser pistol.

“What are you waiting for, then? Hash his browns!”

The two-foot tall potato turned and trained huge, white eyes on me. The eyes turned red and the potato thundered toward me on tottery, twiggy legs.

“Anytime there, chief.” The koi ducked behind me, swatting my arm with a fin.

I fired. The potato screamed as the blast struck, but rather than die, it just… cooked.

“Wow, you smell delicious,” the koi told the potato, peeking over my shoulder.

The spud stood, legs wobbling. “You baked me, and now I’m steamed,” it cried in a tiny chipmunk voice. “I swear you’ll rue this day!”

“Are you baked… or steamed?” I asked, suddenly very, very hungry.

“GRAHHAAHA!” the potato screamed. It leaped into the air, hurling itself right at my face. I fired again, and it fell to the ground.

“Noooo, now I’m twice-baked!” The potato hefted its wrench. “Tater Tots! Get him!”

“What?” As I slithered back from the twice-baked potato, more spuds emerged from behind pipes and machinery. The horde raised wrenches high. Their eyes turned red as they screamed.

“Where did they find so many wrenches?” the koi cried.

“Who cares?” I turned toward the door. “Run!”

We raced back into the garden. I slammed the door control. Too slow. It rumbled closed, but dozens of howling potatoes spilled through the narrowing gap.

“Now what?” the koi asked.

“Find some sour cream and chives,” I replied.

“Save the jokes for me.” The koi swatted my arm again. “You’re the captain! Do something captain-y!”

I contemplated my options. I could run for the ship’s bridge, climb a tree, or dive into the water, all of which would leave the garden vulnerable. The koi was right. I had to deal with this quickly before the nebula did us in.

I took a breath. “Why did you stow away aboard my ship?” I asked the spud squad in an authoritative voice.

“We just want to live where we can’t be eaten!” The small potatoes cried. “We’re tired of being food.”

“What a coincidence,” I said. “We’re leaving Earth for the same reason. Well, I am.”

“Hey, being decorative is no picnic either!” the koi cried.

We stared at him.

“People watching us, tossing junk into our pond. It gets old. How about I shove some bread crumbs in your face, kid? How do you like that?”

“Um, ok,” I said. “Moving on… we need to get out of this nebula, or we’ll all die.” I turned to the horde of potatoes. “Help me fix the ship and get out of here, and you can all come with us to the colony.”

The potatoes cheered—even the delicious-smelling one who had been twice baked. We quickly set to work preparing the ship and getting everything fixed.

As we left the nebula behind and all the little potatoes settled into sleeping bags laid out on the garden lawn, one tiny, foot-tall potato came up to me with a box in hand.

“Mr. Octopus?” it asked.

“What is it?”

The potato held out Chutes and Ladders. “I’m not tired. I was hoping we could play a game.”

The koi leapt out of the pond, startling everyone. “Dibs on the top hat!”

I shook my head. “Wrong game.”

“Yeah, well, I want to spin first.”

I sighed. “Ok, buddy. You can spin first.”

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

J.L. Ender‘s first published novel, Portal World, is available now. He has also released several short stories, including The Rocket Game and The Meek Shall Inherit. His new superhero series, Steel Fox Investigations, will begin January 2020. Ender has worked as a dishwasher, a beef jerky labeler, a warehouse worker, a shelf stocker, a greeter, a traveling technician, a laser engraver, a package handler, a copywriter, a graphic designer, a librarian, an editor, a dispatcher, and a phone operator. He lives in Ohio with his dog Bear.

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