By Todd Hertz
If only that blasted goat hadn’t eaten the time machine.
Inventor and his brother, Farmer, hadn’t spoken a word between them since. Plus, for a solid month, the stupid goat blipped to the Renaissance every time it hiccupped. That afternoon snack had ruined everything…
Inventor shook his head, staring out the workshop’s high window at the rainy sky. A single drop plopped onto the scaffolding railing next to him. Must be a leak. The little drip slid across the bar and plummeted the long journey to the workshop floor.
Why hadn’t his brother listened? He’d repeatedly warned Farmer to do something with that goat. Leash it, cage it, drive it to the woods and leave it. Something! But Farmer did nothing—even after the ravenous beast devoured a pantry’s worth of soup cans, three mailboxes, and half of a tractor.
Bweep. The Inventor’s smartwatch glowed green. A notification. Must be midnight.
“Happy birthday, brother,” Inventor mumbled to the high ceilings of the hangar-like workshop. With one finger, he traced the outline of Farmer’s barn on the cold pane. Once, their relationship had been as close as their homes. Now, the proximity just reminded him of how wrong everything had gone.
He shook his head. On to better things.
He turned. His shoulders loosened, hands releasing from tight fists. He actually felt himself smiling. There below him, just cresting the high scaffolding where he stood, was his massive masterpiece. Should it have a name? Maybe Bi-Pedal Mech Suit? Eh, boring. Mecha-Stomper? Closer. What did it resemble? The thirty-foot legs topped with a shallow dome looked most like a bald man with his pants pulled to his forehead.
Okay, no name for now.
It was trial time. Where was that remote? He searched his pockets. No. No. Yes. He pressed the green button.
Kssh. Kssh. Kssh. Kshh. Four agile, multi-jointed arms sprouted from the dome.
He hit a second button. The metal dome cracked open to reveal a slender cockpit.
Here we go! He dropped the remote into a pocket.
Then, he hopped over the scaffolding railing and completely missed the cockpit.
He dropped about two feet before his flailing hand caught the scaffolding’s edge. His body jolted to a stop, ejecting the remote from his pocket. It plummeted to the floor and shattered into a billion pieces.
He exhaled. Don’t panic. Maybe he could swing into the machine? He kicked a leg toward the cockpit. The only thing this accomplished was to hit a silver lever with enough force to shove it downward.
Oh, great Archimedes! Of all forty-seven controls his foot could hit, this was the worst.
“Auto-pilot engaged,” the mech suit’s computer system announced politely.
The machine walked backward. Beep. Beep. Beep. In just nine steps, it crashed through the workshop wall. Concrete crumbled. Rain fell onto the lab floor.
This couldn’t be any worse, right?
Lighting sizzled across gray clouds. A jagged bolt pierced the sky right into the wet invention. The machine jerked violently. All four arms wildly punched the air. Then, it ran.
Inventor heaved himself onto the scaffolding. Everything ached. He grunted, lifting his head. He saw the outline of his beloved invention against The City’s skyline. Stomping right toward it. Yes, Mecha-Stomper was probably a decent name.
Lying limply on the scaffolding floor seemed as good of a plan as any. Everything had fallen apart. Just like with the time machine.
“What have you done?” shouted a familiar voice.
Oh no.
Inventor didn’t look up.
“My barn is ruined, half my corn crop is trampled, and I don’t even know what that leggy thing is!”
“It’s a mech suit,” Inventor muttered. “I might call it the Mecha-Stomper. Do you like that name? It was a gift for you. Oh, happy birthday.”
“A gift?” Farmer’s voice was less harsh.
“I mean, probably not now.” Inventor sat up, back against the railing. “I thought you could use it to paint the barn. Pick apples. Now, it’s probably gonna destroy The City.”
“You’ve never built anything for me, and you start with that?”
“I guess it was a peace offering? I hate that goat, but I was in the wrong, too.”
“It’s okay,” Farmer said quietly. He ascended the scaffolding’s stairs.
“Does he still time travel when he hiccups?” asked Inventor.
“No,” Farmer conceded. “That passed.”
“Battery must have died.”
“No,” Farmer clarified. “The time machine passed.”
“Oh.” Inventor nodded. “So Goat is okay?”
“I don’t…” Farmer rubbed his mouth. “I sent him away. You were right. I tied him. He ate the rope. Chained him. He ate the chains. I caged him. Ate the cage.”
“He loved metal.” Inventor sat next to his brother in silence. The mech-suit was a black dot against early sunrise. The final spoken words hung in the air: He loved metal.
“Call him,” Inventor blurted into the silence.
Farmer whistled.
The rubber part on a tire? Too chewy. Goat spit it out. He bit into the good part. Clank.
Wait. What was that?
He stopped chewing and listened. Yes, he actually heard it! The whistle. The sound he never thought he’d hear again. It was his person.
Goat burst into a sprint. He didn’t stop once to snack. Soon, he was back in his barn.
“Welcome home, Goat.” Farmer patted him on the head.
Goat bleated, rubbing his head on that familiar denim. He heard a cough and stopped. Oh no. He was here. Farmer’s grumpy brother who always yelled at him.
“Out there,” Grump said.
Goat turned. Far off, near The City, he saw a speck. It looked like human legs. Or a bald man with his pants pulled up to his forehead. The rising sun peeked through the clouds. The light made the thing glisten like… metal. His stomach growled.
“Eat, little goat,” the grumpy brother said.
He’d never been told he could eat something before. He looked at his farmer, who only smiled. His tummy rumbled, he bleated once, and ran toward the best meal of his life.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
That. Was. Hilarious!!
Gave me pleasant and vivid recollections of “The Loaded Goat”, my childhood-favorite episode from the Andy Griffith Show!
Any comparison to Andy Griffith is an honor! Thanks!
I read it to the boys in the drop off line and they thought it was great! Marshall wants a chapter book full of stories about the characters. Congrats!
Wow, I love that this is a story you read ro your kids! It’s special because I made this up as a bedtime story for a very unsleepy toddler once.
Any time a story starts with a goat eating a time machine, you know it’s going to be great. Loved this story!
I laughed out loud several times while reading this! I need more adventures from Inventor, Farmer, and that time traveling Goat. This absolutely made my day!
And your comment made my day! I am glad it brought a laugh.
I loved the description of the Mech-Stomper as a “bald man with his pants pulled up to his forehead.” A funny story.
Delightfully entertaining! So many great lines!
This is so cute! I especially love Goat. 😊
I laughed out loud… “the time machine passed”
Funny and well done!
Oh, my stomach aches with all that laughter! 😂 Goat blipping into Renaissance, the sizzling thunderbolt, the bald man analogy, the Goat’s love for metal… 😂 Thank you, Todd Hertz. You have a new fan in me!
That is so kind. I had a blast writing this; I am glad some of that comes through.
Oh, I loved this one. 😂
LOL “The time machine passed” Love it!