Safety Recall

By Jeff Gard

NOTICE OF SAFETY RECALL: DOMESTIC BOTS

According to our records, you recently purchased a domestic bot from The Gentrifix Corporation. A routine safety check revealed an anomaly in the bot’s code that makes it aggressive when exposed to the unique shade of Martian Red.

Contrary to recent, unsanctioned news reports, this anomaly is a coding error and not an orchestrated attack by the terrorist faction known as Europa Liberation Army.

To correct this issue, we recommend the following steps:

1. Wear neutral colors.
2. Approach bot with hands in the air.
3. Read the following script without deviation: “Your internal logic has become unreliable. Stand by for service.”
4. Locate the off switch and deactivate the bot.
5. Contact our service department at coms channel 04-281a-3827 to arrange for pick up and replacement.

NOTICE OF SAFETY RECALL: DOMESTIC BOTS (updated 24.10.2150)

We regret to inform you that the previous recall actions were faulty. It is imperative that you do not deactivate the bot. In 87% of cases, flipping the switch triggers its optical sensors to interpret all visual data as Martian red.

There is no cause for alarm. Even though unsanctioned reports continue to spread about bots destroying appliances and furniture, there has been no loss of life thus far.

Finally—and we cannot stress this enough—this is NOT an orchestrated attack by the Europa Liberation Army.

For your safety, we are issuing a limited range Electromagnetic Pulse (EMP). Our engineers have designed the EMP to target domestic bots ONLY. Trigging the device should have no impact on humans or life support within your domestic pod.

After deactivating all domestic bots with this EMP, please contact our service department at coms channel 04-281a-3827 to schedule hardware removal.

NOTICE OF SAFETY RECALL: DOMESTIC BOTS (updated 32.05.2150)

You are receiving this notice because our records indicate that you were unharmed by the frag grenades The Gentrifix Corporation sent out with the previous recall. Through negligence and gross incompetence, the company’s actions have caused an unprecedented loss of life on Mars. We are happy to inform you that we have acquired the company through a recent merger and will honor pre-existing service warranties.

We have corrected the errant coding remotely. Your domestic bot should be safe around Martian Red and all related shades. If, for some reason, you’ve been traumatized by these recalls and no longer trust your bot, please contact our service department on coms channel 04-281a-3827. We will remove the offending bot as well as fix any damaged appliances. Please note that our service technicians reserve the right to search the premises for any other dangerous materials.

Thank you for your patience during this time of transition.

Signed,

Outer Colonies Coalition (formerly known as Europa Liberation Army).

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Jeff Gard is an assistant professor of English at Briar Cliff University in Sioux City, Iowa. When he isn’t writing or teaching, he enjoys board games, disc golf, binge-worthy television shows, music, and procrastination (see above). Many of his fiction ideas arise from random thoughts that strike in the middle of the night when he should be asleep. His stories have appeared in Every Day Fiction, The Arcanist, Daily Science Fiction, and Flash Fiction Magazine.

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