Suitor Showdown

By Maia Rebekah

Penny grins. “Today’s the anniversary of our first official date.”

“The day I nearly lost you.” I clutch my heart dramatically.

“What?” She squints at me. “I don’t remember that, Odie.”

I mirror her expression. “You don’t?”

***

I pulled my reluctant girlfriend into the church—Wow, how cool is it to call her my girlfriend?—and we were met with a wall of sound. DC Talk pumped from Trevor’s boombox, a big cluster of teens cheered around some dudes engaged in what looked like a candy-eating contest, and others around the room laughed and mingled.

Penny shot me an I-don’t-want-to-be-here look, but I gave her hand a gentle squeeze, and we ambled up to the raucous group. Jason, Luke, and Rudy were downing Reese’s cups like their lives depended on it, and their costumes made the whole scene even more ridiculous. Jason’s fake muscles under superhero spandex. Luke’s monk get-up, complete with bald cap and halo hair. Even Rudy in his football uniform.

“What are they doing?” I asked no one in particular.

A boy replied without looking away from the trio. “Whoever eats ninety-five first wins.” He must’ve sensed my confusion because he clarified. “Ya know, the ninety-five theses? Rhymes with—Oh! He’s gonna do it!”

Penny rolled her eyes, but her lips quirked in a little smile. I still couldn’t believe she’d agreed to come to our Reformation Day party. She was adamant that youth groups were pointless and immature, and this certainly wasn’t proving her wrong.

Luke, looking green, crumpled an orange wrapper over his head and leaned back, victorious and clearly about to vomit. Everyone lost their minds. Some guys lifted his chair and paraded him around the fellowship hall.

Trevor pulled me aside. “Hey Odie, I hate to ask you this with your new friend here”—he winked—“but would you mind making copies of tonight’s lesson? You’re the only one who knows how to work the printer.”

“Perks of being the pastor’s kid.” I sighed, taking the papers.

“Thanks, man.” The youth leader slapped my shoulder then turned to Penny. “Have you met my wife, Corey, yet?”

As Trevor led Penny away, I gave her an awkward thumbs-up and promised I’d be back in a flash.

A great battle was then waged in the secretary’s office. I kicked, punched, and begged the stupid machine, to the resounding answer of Paper jam. Clear to resume printing. After what felt like a decade, I returned to the party with a stack of what handouts the printer hadn’t devoured.

The pages nearly slipped from my fingers when I beheld the scene before me.

Penny sat at a nearby table, a glass of punch in her hand, and no less than four guys approaching her, each carrying two drinks. I would have been amused by the sight—one boy in a white sheet with several holes punched out, one Mario, and two John Calvins all racing to bring punch to a smokin’ hot girl—but she was my smokin’ hot girl. Everyone knew it, too. I’d been talking about her for months before I got the guts to ask her out. What were they thinking?

Two other boys sat across from her. Ben, cosplaying Moses, held her in pleasant conversation while repeatedly smacking Peter, who was dressed as a boulder, with his staff. Penny laughed at something he said.

A green monster—not the one Luke had encountered earlier—stirred in my gut and propelled me forward. I had only taken a step when Trevor cut the music.

“All right y’all,” he shouted. “Let’s pack up and make our way to the study.” When no one moved, he added, “There’ll be candy prizes for sword drills.”

This motivated everyone—well, everyone but Luke, who shook his head, groaning.

Clean-up commenced. I needed to do something to get those vultures off my girlfriend. Tablecloths were tossed, food was packed away. Someone started folding the chairs, and in that instant, I knew what I had to do. Positioning myself in direct line of sight with Penny and the wannabe suitors, I folded some chairs, leaned them against the table, then folded some more. Hole-y Ghost seemed to catch on, frantically standing and collecting his own hoard of seats. The race was on. Luther Luke, sick as he was, joined the contest too.

Ghost went first, hefting five chairs and toting them across the room to the storage closet. Impressive, especially given the sheet. Luke took a pitiful three.

I scoffed and began loading up. Two chairs went around my neck like a pillory. Heavy, but manageable. Then I strung four along my arms.

“Dude, he’s going for six,” somebody said.

I smirked, then I looked Ben in the eyes. He stopped hitting Peter. I grabbed another chair in each hand.

“Eight! He’s got eight!”

Focusing, straining every muscle, I took a step forward. The room fell silent. I met Penny’s curious expression with a wink then pressed on. Step after agonizing step, I trudged through the AXE-scented room. An eternity later, I set the final chair inside the closet and faced an eruption of whoops and cheers. I’d done it. My limbs burned, but victory was worth the pain. No one would dare come after my girl anymore. I found Penny, and she just rolled her eyes again, but her smirk told me I’d won.

The vultures conceded, grabbing their Bibles and following Trevor. For good measure, I steered us to seats far away from them.

Though Penny had clearly been uncomfortable when we arrived, she seemed to enjoy the teaching. She contributed to the discussion and even laughed at Trevor and Corey’s lame skit. She won every sword drill, and I wondered again why she’d chosen me.

As we walked to my car, she said, “You know, you didn’t have to impress me in there.”

I grinned wickedly. “I had to send a message.”

“You’re a dork.”

I bumped her shoulder with mine. “Sure, but I’m your dork.”

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Maia Rebekah is an SNHU graduate, an aspiring copy editor/proofreader, and a staff member at Havok Publishing. She’s a roller-coaster junkie who loves reading and writing Christian sci-fi/fantasy, hiking, playing board games, and listening to outdated Christian rock.

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