By John Leatherman
Having sent her stepdaughter Jo Bright on a goodwill tour of the far realms, Queen Regality consulted her hand mirror again. “With Jo gone, I’m now the fairest in the land, right?”
The mirror replied:
“Not to embarrass you, but alas!
Queen, those fairer would fill my glass.”
After briefly considering tours for all those women too, Regality called an emergency royal council meeting to share the mirror’s findings. “With polling like this, I’ll never be the fairest. What should we do?”
Her advisors trembled. Count Meyout looked away. Earl Eflight darted out.
Finally, Lord Browno stood. “The people know you’re beautiful, my good, gracious, and gorgeous queen—so beautiful that they feel hopelessly inferior. They simply need more context to understand your beauty.”
Regality smiled. “Excellent observation, Lord Browno, Sir! I know how to fix that. Princess Jo Bright usually sings at the September harvest festival. With her gone, I’ll be the main attraction. I’ll hold a daily contest with lots of handsome princes fighting over who gets to court me. That will show them how fair I am!”
***
On the first day of the harvest festival, Sir Remonious took the main stage. “Each day, three handsome princes will compete for a date with Queen Regality. First, they’ll race through a gauntlet of obstacles. The winner will receive one lifeline which he can use during the challenge round to carrier-pigeon a friend. Next, during the double-elimination round…”
Meanwhile behind the curtain, Regality consulted with her attendant. “Sir Vivor, to make me look more beautiful, we must control every aspect of this. I need to evaluate the princes before my people see them.”
The first prince, black-haired in a gray doublet, was Prince Shubert of Podiavania. He bowed low before Regality’s throne. “Oh, Queen, what an honor to meet you.”
Would an ugly queen inspire such devotion? Regality giggled. “Prince, please say more.”
Shubert pushed back Regality’s skirt. “Such lovely feet, too.” He pulled a glass slipper from his vest and laid it alongside Regality’s left foot. “They’re a bit large, though.” He looked up. “Would you consider shaving off a few bunions so this will fit?”
Regality scowled. “We can discuss that during the courtship ceremony.” She dismissed Shubert to the anteroom and murmured to Sir Vivor, “Make sure to rig the gauntlet against him.”
The next prince, brown-haired in a green doublet, was Prince Wartsworth of Amphibia. He bounded to the throne, then paused with a frown, scrutinizing Regality’s skin. “I was going to kiss you, Queen, but you’re so pale. Are you getting enough flies in your diet? That would really bring out the green in your skin.”
Regality cringed. “Let’s discuss that during the dinner date.” She dismissed him to the anteroom.
Sir Vivor nudged Regality. “Shall I rig the gauntlet against him too?”
Regality shook her head. “Not until we know how weird number three is.”
The last prince, blond in a blue doublet, was Prince Jack of Heartspade. He gave a slight bow, his soft curls bobbing. “Oh, great and beautiful Queen, my heart yearns to prove my devotion to you.”
Regality smiled, dismissed him to the anteroom, and whispered to Sir Vivor, “Can you get him to say that with more feeling?”
***
Regality waited for Sir Remonious to finish explaining the rules, then burst through the curtain. “Citizens, today’s gauntlet is canceled.” She paused, considering how she could avoid any association with those loony princes. “Two of the princes were so eager to court me, they… dueled in the anteroom and destroyed each other, leaving no remains.”
A peasant in the crowd shouted, “How’s that possible?”
“We may never know. I’m arranging an official royal inquest. But for now, let’s remember those handsome princes gave their lives to be with me. Sometimes I can still hear them shouting my name…”
Prince Shubert wandered through the curtain, scanning the floorboards. “Your Majesty, did I leave my shoehorn out here?”
A bullfrog hopped across the stage, and Prince Wartsworth chased it. “She’s mine, Shubert! I saw her first!”
Regality cleared her throat. “Irrespective of those two random non-prince cretins, I have a handsome prince pining for me! Please meet Prince Jack of Heartspade.”
Prince Jack came through the curtain, and the crowd applauded.
Regality turned to him. “Prince Jack, I will now present you with a ceremonial apple so you can proceed to the next round.”
Jack smiled. “Awesome. How many rounds until I meet your sweet stepdaughter, Jo Bright?”
Regality gasped.
Sir Vivor murmured, “Shall I get him the ‘special’ apple, milady?”
Regality sighed. “No, I have to fix this myself.”
She addressed the crowd. “Citizens, I put on this Regality show in hopes you’d forget about Jo Bright. When I had learned you like her more, I felt grumpy. I thought if I could bash her and doctor myself, I’d be happy, but I was asleep to what my people want. I’m summoning Jo Bright back home. I hope you can forgive me for being so dopey.”
***
Upon Jo’s return, she and Jack fell in love immediately. At their engagement party, Regality rose to make a speech.
“My stepdaughter, for your gift I’m giving you something that I hope you will treasure as much as I once did.” She raised her hand mirror. “Please show us all who’s the fairest in the land.” Without looking, she passed it to Jo Bright.
Jo Bright stared at the glass and shrugged. “Oh. Uh, thanks, Stepmother.” She held it up, showing an image of Regality. “Nice picture, I guess. You could have at least framed it.”
Regality gasped. “I don’t understand. That was supposed to be you, Jo. You’re back in this land, and everyone thinks you’re prettier than me. Why didn’t it say you’re the fairest?”
The mirror replied:
“Of your beauty, Queen, we were always aware.
But now, at last, we know you are fair.”
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The play on words here is excellent, the twist at the end really made me grin. Great story!
The puns had me smiling all the way through. A fun retelling of Snow White!
great ending!
Glad you enjoyed it!
(And in case the September connection seems weak, when do new shows usually come out?)
Hi John,
Loved the story. As usual, I love the unusual names. I liked that you added some poetry. I wish the poems had a few more lines but the way you ended was clever indeed.
Fun story.
This one had me grinning plenty of times and I so loved the ending! Well done.
Loved the name puns and jokes throughout this one!
Loved the ending, John! I had nearly forgotten that “fair” has multiple meanings.
That was a fun fairytale romp with a dash of wit!
Ahhh the wordplay here is phenomenal! Nice ending, too!