Havok Publishing

Tag - humor

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Two-Eyed Vermin

audio293874931.cyfile [saved on 9/3, 1:05]
This is Day 1 of the Heymon Project. The traps are set. My colleagues laugh at me for entertaining the notion that any heymons have managed to sneak into our woods, but we’ll see. According to my research, they are curious and adventurous creatures. I have little doubt they’re

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Lieutenants of Darkness

Eighty bucks seemed like a lot, but it was for Gerald’s thirtieth birthday, so I clicked “confirm” before I could regret those eighty dollars—which turned out to be $97.89 after shipping and tax. I was already on the receipt page when I started to worry how legitimate it was.

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A Recipe for Disaster

“Look at me, bringing home the bacon for my lady!” Fred hung his jacket in the closet and followed me into what used to be my kitchen. He excitedly inspected the enormous metal box that had replaced our cabinets, refrigerator, oven, toaster, blender, and microwave.

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Santa’s Little Foes

Oh, I can already taste our sweet victory! Just imagine the rush, the bliss! That old nudnik Santa will give us elves what we desire. No, what we deserve. Finally, we’ll have—
“They’re coming!” Pint Ree slides down the snowbank. His elfin ears are red with adrenaline, small hands shaking.

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Kudzu Killers

Kyle yelled as a tendril of vine lifted him off his feet, whirled him through the air, and deposited him in a breathless heap on the ground.
Gritting his teeth, he sprang back up and raised his axe. The vines drew back, their long cords moving like fingers, preparing for another assault.

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The Sword of Jol’Sen

“Of course, it’s genuine.” I rub my sweaty palms together in a vain attempt to relieve my tension. “This is a worthy trade.”
This is the one. Surely this old farmer will deliver me from my burden.
“Burden, am I?”
Orc fumes! Not a moment’s peace.
“This isn’t a jolly jaunt for me either, Master.”

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Radio Stars

“For cryin’ out loud, Arnie! Will you quit snapping selfies?” Liz rolled her eyes. “We’ve been sent to explore and catalog planet 4X9, not pad our personal photo albums!”
“We’re the first humans to set foot here. I’m capturing an historic event. Oh look—ancient ruins!” Arnie struck a pose. “The first anthropologist to find ruins on an alien planet.”

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The Devil Went Down to Costco

Lucifer glanced around, then surreptitiously shoved the box under his arm and hurried to the front of the store. He ought to just steal it, but he didn’t use his powers for trifling things if he could help it. Still, if Mephistopheles or one of the others saw him…

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How to Train Your Slime

Harold’s parents were allergic to most pets, but sometimes he brought animals home just to be sure. He made valiant efforts with kittens and puppies, and he tried a Gila monster on them that didn’t go over well.

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A Fool’s Quest

I creep down the ancient stone hallway, barely containing my anticipation. Months of tracking down clues, solving riddles and dodging hamster attacks are finally bearing fruit. Beyond the door at the end of the hallway lies the Donut of Time, last breakfast artifact I must recover before I can challenge the Hamsters of Doom and stop them from destroying humanity.

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The Stray

The doorbell woke Margaret from her nap. She grabbed her cane and tapped to the front door. Gravel crunched as the grocery delivery truck reversed down the drive. She waited until she was sure he was gone. He was a nice man, but he talked too much.
She opened the door and struck the box with her cane.

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Riding a dragon is the best way to travel—most of the time. “Karr, what are you doing? This is not Adron city!” I lean over as the dragon touches down on a grassy hilltop. “I’m stopping for a nap.” Karr slurs the last word into a yawn and his purple tongue curls like a cat’s.

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